Liar

I am a liar....not usually....just in refence to the last post I wrote...I'm not doing ok...in fact, it's prolly reaching critical. I hate my situation...not living with my husband is definately taking a toll...it's hard to have a relationship when I'm staying somewhere else....but I love my mom and my cat and I don't mind making the sacrifice....I'm more concerned with myself. I hate me again....I hate how I look, how I can't lose weight, how I've let this situation allow me to balloon, but it's hard to cook when all you've got is a grill and a microwave and so we eat out all the time...and I don't make good choices. I'm in the angry state I'm in...so I do the opposite of what would change things...I'm also tired of the constant barage of comments from the awful people in my life that I can't change. I'm tired of being told I'd be pretty if I lost weight...don't even get me started...I'm trying to care, but its so much easier to say screw it and eat like crap. I assure everyone, as soon as I have a functional kitchen, it's on...and if I have my shoulder surgery, I'm going to be my focus for awhile....I need to save myself. We had mandatory blood work for work and everything came back high - my cholesterol, my blood sugar, even my BP which is normally low...In a very dramatic sense, I feel like I'm dying....

Holy shit - where'd the time go! I can't believe it's been two months since I've last blogged...it feels like an eternity...not much has changed...the house is still a work of art...and a work in progress....I'm still living at my mom's - one day I'll actually ive in the house that I've spent some much blood sweat and tears over. 2 weeks ago I dislocated my shoulder so I'm half out of commission...and not having a fully functioning kitchen has proved to be a challenge for me in terms of losing weight....by the time I live here tho, my kitchen will be gorgeous and I will be so totally sick of eating out that it's never going to happen again...hope everyone else out here is doing well - please say hello if you've stopped by!

Lost another blog I read, it's been made private....here's the address: http://seashorerose.blogspot.com/ .....if you're the owner, and don't mind letting me read, please let me back in!! I really enjoyed your story!

I've been slacking on the blog front...but I have a good excuse....we finally moved into the new house - well sorta. All of our stuff is there...but the house is definately still in demolition mode. My husband is living there...with a toilet in the half bath, tub that only works for baths in the full bath, no kitchen, no floors upstairs and only 2 rooms painted...there's a lot to go...and it feels like this will never be finished...I know I know...welcome to home ownership....I had planned on hosting Thanksgiving so we'll see...that's my goal right now. I haven't lost any weight...definately been slacking on that. I've moved back home with my mother because our cat can't be in these conditions...he eats everything and he's not supposed to be scared so for now...we're bunking at my mom's. Eating has been kinda sketchy...I haven't really gained, but I haven't lost either. My bike ride is in a month...hopeing to be a bit more settled by then because I need to pack...all of our stuff is stuffed in the garage. I haven't been riding either...starting Tuesday, that's the plan...ride ride ride...hope anyone who still reads this is doing well - stop in and say hi!

I am in agony. Yesterday was absolutely awful....and now I feel like I did the wrong thing....he still wasn't right yesterday morning, still wouldn't eat, but he took a drink. I brought him outside and offered him some grass, he tried to eat it....did I do the right thing? The whole ride over, he sat on my front seat just looking at me...I know I did the right thing...he's been sick for four years - twice daily insulin injections, blood glucose testing, scratched cornea twice which required him to wear a cone, 3 oral surgeries - including one where his chin exploded and one where all his teeth were removed, neuropathy which made walking difficult, vomiting, diarrhea - when I looked at it this way, he's been through so much...and never with a complaint....but he was so unique. I will never have a cat like him again...and it makes me so sad to think that I might have 50 or 60 years left here without him. He "talked" to me, slept between my husband and I, followed me everywhere, tried to hop in the bath tub with me and laid waiting on the bathmat, followed me into the office and sat next to me, pawing my leg so I could pick him up and he could lay on my desk with me, would lay in my lap.....I have never met a more interactive cat.....and now I don't know what I'm going to do without him...We buried him last night, I've never had to do that....I sat in the rain, covered in mud digging my hole....I spent a few minutes with him, then put him down in his box....they gave me a nice cardboard casket....I wrote him a letter on the top of it....I don't know what I believe in....I think I believe in God, though not organized religion....but I've been praying and now he's gone...is it because that was better for him? I like to think that when we die, our spirits go somewhere and we get the opportunity to exsist in our best times - my Dad would be able to breath and walk and do all the things he loved, my cat would have teeth and no diabetes....and I'd like to think at some point, I will be able to join them there....to have all my family back, all my cats.....that's my only consolation...today is tough...I thought it would be easier - it's not. I'm hanging in there though, what else can I do?

After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has come...it's been a rough month for our cats....my precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is lethargic...it breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....

Sad

Today I'm sad, and anxious...an uneasy....things had been going relatively well with our new house and our lives...I certainly wasn't complaining...but yesterday it all fell apart with my husband's sweet cat becoming terrifyingly ill...$800 later, and I've spent our appliance money...the cat has a newly diagnosed cardiac condition, asthma, allergies and maybe a parasite....of course none of this is official....x-ray and labs came back clear but he's been breathing really fast and has an irregular heart beat. My cat hasn't been feeling well either. Between the two of them, there's been a lot of vomit and mellow cats...it's breaking my heart...and making me nervous....to top it off, my husband is having his wisdom teeth out, which isn't a big deal, except when things feel fragile and this could really mess things up more...the only bright moment has been this evening when my husband finally finished laying the subfloor upstairs and I finished spackling one room completely and have moved on...we are getting there ever so slowly! I have jury duty Friday too...isn't life grand....pity party had..I'm moving on now!
"I'm willing to do anything To calm the storm in my heart I've never been the praying kind But lately I've been down upon my knees Not looking for a miracle Just a reason to believe"

Big Fat Failure

Hi all...I've been in hiding....not really hiding, but working on our "new" house. And it's made me a mess!!! I hate it....I hate myself, I hate my husband....I hate floors, and walls and grass...and if one more person says "welcome to homeownership, where your work is never done and you'll always want to change something" I might kill them! We bought a fix-me-upper....we knew there'd be work...we just didn't realize how much! Last night we removed the last of the hard wood floors upstairs - we're replacing them with laminate flooring as the hardwoods were wicked old and buckling. We've also removed all of the outlet covers and trim from upstairs. Once all the plywood has been layed, I can finish spackling all of upstairs...and we can paint. Once the painting is done, trim is replaced, new outlet covers put on and new lights installed, we can start moving our upstairs furniture. Except I'm not keeping any of my office furniture because it doesn't fit or match and our bedroom furniture is huge....but when we finally finish this house, it will pretty much be brand new minus two floors and most of the walls....we are not changing anything, ever....please tell me I'm crazy if I write that I'm taking on another project. My eating has been shit....I was doing so good, using Sensa....but I'm exhausted. Every day I get up and I go to work - at least a 45 minute commute each way too...and then I go to some random MD appt and then to the house. I have been stopping and eating junk on the way to the new house because I know we won't eat dinner until at least 9. And then dinner is usually carby and fatty too. I keep justifying it by reminding myself how hard I'm working, how sweaty and dirty I am at the end of the day....but I should be using this as an opportunity to eat nothing but veggies and sweat off all these fat cells. I've lost nothing this month...and now I'm sitting here, avoiding hopping in the shower, waiting for my husband to come home from working his second job so that we can get ready to go to a wedding reception in half an hour, that's half an hour away....leave pretty quickly and go to the new house to hopefully get the last of the wood layed....I'm beat!

We bought our first house today!

Round 2

Round 2 - and so begins a second month along this lifelong journey to be the size of everyone else. I weighed in at 256.2, a total loss of 4.6. I have mixed feelings about this - I always do....I knew on Thursday or last week, after the previous disasterous weekend, that I was not going to hit my goal of ten pounds....so I did what I always do....whatever I felt like. My weekend eating wasn't all that great and I wasn't physically active, other than 4 hours of practice. So on Monday, I faced the music...I was up. But the smarter part of me is embracing the 4.6 that is gone. That's 4.6 that hopefully will not return. And 5 pounds in a month is a reasonable and sustainable loss. This morning, I was down another pound, still a bit above my recent lowest weight. I have been much more vigilant and resumed drinking water and using my Sensa...already feeling a difference. I am seeing my trainer for the first time in many months and hoping to squeeze in some cycling tomorrow....I'm back on track and looking to lose another 10 pounds this month....if I always shoot for ten and come up with 5, I will still get there!!! There's no timeframe....~!

Under the category of TMI - I got my period yesterday. I've been crampy for the past few days but thought nothing of it and then yesterday, here it is!! I am almost exstatic about this!!! ;) When I get my period, weight loss seems to happen easier. The scale has been kind to me the last 2 days, so much so that I often need to check my weight and sadly, the second weight is always the same 254....my goal was to be at 250 by Monday and that does not appear attainable....It's ok...whatever weight I'm at on Monday will be better than a year ago and I'm going to set another 10 pound goal for the month. My ultimate short term goal is to weigh 235 for Tour DaVita...though less would be nice...but that's about 10 pounds less than last year and like 25 from the first time I did it. I am bound and determined to be smaller...and reach for that goal in smaller increments. Please donate to my bike ride - it's tax deductible...Thanks!! https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1977/index.html

Sensa is great...loving it so far...by the end of last week, I was down 1.6. Went away this weekend for a 72 hour gymnastics meet where I knew the food would suck - it did....I didn't see a vegetable from lunch on Friday until yesterday. I'm still trying to get my eating back on track but it's getting there.....I came home and I was up 4 pounds...I didn't drink water either....today I was the same as last Monday so hopefully tomorrow I will be back around where I was...I'm exhausted....cat was ill last night....we're buying a house and closing hopefully this week...who knows! But I'm hanging in....if you're feeling brave...say hello...I'm feeling lonely!

HELP ME.....I want to eat everything under the sun!!!! Sensa is great...it really curbs my appetite and cravings but I forgot to sprinkle it on lunch and I've been hungry ever since....I've lost 1.6 this week so far and hopefully some more will come off in the next 3 days. I will be away this weekend so don't miss me!

Great eating day today...only 47 grams of fat total....that's way less than normal...calories still high- around 2000. I showed a loss today. Only .2 but it's reassuring that I'm doing the right things. I started a trial of Sensa today and I like it....it makes me less hungry and fuller quicker...unless that's my brain telling me that because those are the desired results. Either way it's a win for me....I...I don't know...I'm feeling it again this week...maybe in preparation for this weekend's disaster...here's to another pound gone by next Monday...I have 2 weeks to my goal and still 5 lbs to go...even if I don't make it there, I'm heading in the right direction!

Scared

I'm scared...it's really hard to put my finger on why....but it's directly related to my weight loss....I'm scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared that I'm going to be in this constant state of fear and self-loathing and self-destruction....I'm scared that I'm not scared when I should be...this week will definately show a gain...and not because I was eating excessively, but because I was eating poorly...but I've made some great changes like getting rid of full fat cheese and making sure to bring most meals to work, drinking water and limiting myself to one glass of diet soda, finally trying spinning and loving it!! But I'm still clouded by fear, fear that was re-inforced when I spent a day at an eating disorders conference, fear that that's me...I have an eating disorder...not the standard bulemia, definately not anorexia though I jokingly say I wish it were like mono-get it for a bit, let it work it's magic and away it goes, and I don't even have binge eating disorder...I fall into the EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified...the terrifying part is that there's not one good treatment or medication....I just have to find what works....but what works never works long enough for me. My biological mother died at age 34 from obesity related cardiac issues...I am going to be 29....I look at my life in terms of how many years until I'm the same age as my mother, will I live to be that same age, will I ever look good again - I'm afraid to look good...this fat blanket sheilds me...no one cares about me, I'm barely glanced at any more and for me, who's so outspoken, that's a good place...but what if my weight is holding me back from job opportunities, from making new friends, from truly feeling well, and from starting a family....why can't I be afraid of all these things when the ice cream calls my name, when a menu has salad and french fries on it and the french fries inevitably win...Today, I don't know...but I will keep hoping that tomorrow I will know...

So lately everything all over Yahoo Health that deals with weight loss has said if you're fat when you get pregnant, you're going to seriously screw yourself up and that new baby...I have started to get the itch to start for a family....as it stands now, I am too heavy to get a period...I am about 5-10 pounds til I should start getting it...and I'm starting to get back into the work-out jive...went for a walk on Saturday and gardened all day Sunday....eating wasn't even out of control...weight loss this week was 1lb...which was there I was aiming...I'm shooting for another down this week too....putting me at 6 gone...4 more til my mini-goal of 250....

Had ice cream twice today....pretty sure that's a diet no-no. Breakfast was a piece of whole wheat toast, a banana, some egg whites and veggies....lunch was a veggie platter, grapes and some Trader's penne ala vodka....had a toasted almond ice cream bar and then went to this fantastic ice cream place down the street....bad!! Dinner was a salad from subway...prolly not the worst eating, definately not the best, but I'm hoping to pull out at least a 1lb loss....getting there!!!!

Slacking already....

I promised to post daily....and I've failed...but I'm still here...today is a good day...yesterday - not so much...official weigh in was 257, putting me down 3.8. I weighed today and got 3 different numbers so I'm not counting today...last night I ate like crap...I loved me some McDonalds....went to work in the AM, sad day, called out from my second job to accompany my husband to his friend's house because the friend's mom just had surgery....we brought her a balloon. This was all after my husband rescued our neighbor who's car died....and on the way home, his clutch died...expensive repair, on top of just buying a house.....so we got towed after standing in the rain and now my husband has been riding his motorcycle and it's been cold and rainy...I ate well today though...bought a microwave omlet maker so I made an egg white omlet with veggies and had a yogurt. For lunch I had a lean pocket and some potatoes and broccoli smart ones dish (hello sodium!!) and for snack had some blackberries and sweet potato chips (not at the same time) and I just had dinner - veggie fried rice and mandarin chicken from Trader Joe's (I know - more sodium). I've had about 64 oz of water but I have gymnastics practice so I'm hoping to drink at least 20 more....hopefully by Thursday I will have flushed all this salt out....how are you?

Eating out=no good

I've come to the realization that eating out is totally no good for me! I know, duh~ I went to 99 with my husband Friday night and we shared the steak and cheese spring rolls....I knew those were no good for me but whoa!!! So I figured I was being good by getting the chicken fajitas - I don't really like sour cream or all the salsa stuff so it was basically chicken, peppers, onions, lettuce, cheese and a shell...I made 2 and brought the rest home...holy 1400 calories!!! Yesterday, the only thing I ate was food from Olive Garden.....yikes....4 bread sticks, one salad and the 5 cheese ziti al forno is 2000 calories!!! I did have an NSV though, I drank like 100 oz of water since I knew I was going to be high on sodium and I'm down to one coffee and one diet soda a day....I was in the gym for 4 hours yesterday too so I got a little workout. My husband brought me home dinner and I didn't eat it until now. He got me a salad, bread and spaghetti from our favorite italian joint....I just had the piece of bread, salad and a small bowl of spaghetti....I'm sure high in calories....but I only ate a little bit and I'm full - I think my tummy is shrinking....I'm also taking my metformin which my dad always said killed his appetite...and I'm down 4 pounds this week....I know I need to be more strict with my food...especially during the weekend...but it feels good to be invested in myself!

Down another .4 today woot woot!!!! I did so good today, wasn't hungry and barely ate....breakfast was an oatmeal packet and an applesauce, no snack, lunch was a garden salad from panera and a half sandwhich totalling on 440 calories and 19 g of fat - oh and a tiny apple! and then in the afternoon I had some crackers and a kaughing cow cheese...I've been home a half hour and already demolished a big piece of bread with butter and a small piece of that desert I made - it's not calling my name...hubby should be home soon and we were planning on going out to eat....yuck...my mouth needs to lock at 6pm....

Update - I just inputted all my food into Fitday....hated to but I'm only at 1300 calories and 45 grams of fat....which leave me enough to enjoy dinner!!

I went to the buffet tonight, and survived....wasn't all that good, but I don't think I've affected my loss....hoping to survive the weekend - that's what always kills me...but I need to keep doing this, to make a difference in my appearance, and my life!

The daily post....3 days in a row!! A record for me....Had an awesome day yesterday, then decided I wanted some popcorn, the whole bag, with added butter...shoot me now....I need my mouth to have a door that shuts on it's own!! Thought I was doing great today...somewhere crashed and burned...started the day with a banana and cream of wheat, lunch was rice chips, a ham sandwhich with 3 pieces of ham, one piece of cheese and a tsp of light mayo and a cup of strawberries....for afternoon snack I had some animal crackers, dinner was a grilled chicken breast, 1.5 cups broccoli and 15 tater tots and a few small pieces of bread with butter....but I made this yummy smores desert and had a large piece of that....putting me over 2000 calories...weighed myself today, down to 258.4....small win for me....I've been drinking water, taking my pills and vitamins and I'm hoping that todays 4 hours of house cleaning helped burn off dinner...slowly but surely I'm getting back into my groove!

Re-committed

Part of re-commiting to this journey is going to be blogging daily...I've let that slip to...I've let go of everything, except food which has been flying freely into my mouth! Today when I got home from work, I wanted to binge so bad....just plow through anything on the counter....but I was good today...for breakfast I had 1c cheerios with 4 oz of 1% milk and a banana, for snack I had the last of some chex mix so that temptation is gone, for lunch I had a nice salad and two small whole wheat dinner rolls, for snack I had a small piece of angel food cake and a 100 calorie Special K bar (my two afternoon snacks were spread out a bit) and instead of binging, I popped a serving of peanuts while I made dinner - I had turkey keilbasa with grilled onions and peppers with some sweet potato mashed potatoes...I made a seperate less healthy meal for my spouse because he won't eat sweet potatoes or peppers. I've done two loads of laundry and taken a shower and because I only cooked for myself, I have food left over for another day. I've drunk about 50-60 oz of water today and I'm going to gymnastics practice so I will drink more then and I am hoping to go to bed early tomorrow so I can be productive at home. I've decided to weigh myself daily for the first little bit because I need either encouragement or a kick in the rear....I can not celebrate small successes because I allow myself to cheat...but today was a good day, the second day or the rest of my life and I was already down 2lbs...just water and tomorrow I could be up, but for now, I'm looking forward to going to practice for 2 hours and coming home to some fruit and sleep....here's to looking forward!

Disgusted

I am so disguested with myself...I have let myself get back to square one...well minus 15 pounds but that's nothing to write home about. I went to buy a bathing suit on Saturday because I was having a swim practice with my gymnastics team and didn't feel like digging mine out...and nothing fit...I was just about ready to check out maternity....my stomach has gotten so huge...I agree to do my bike ride again and this is not how I want to look. So today, I gave up food again...hopefully for good! And I'm getting back into my gym groove....I just feel lousy and my hubby and I just bought our first house so now seems as good a time as any to embark on a new journey....I spend all of my energy trying to improve the lives of others but no energy on trying to improve myself...I physically feel sick, emotionally feel sick and just look lousy...so please, read my blog, leave comments, suggestions....keep me going!

Nearly another month has gone by....and I've been lousy at posting. The weather here has been wet and gloomy which sort of mimics my mood. The house buying is going well.....we're just waiting on getting our mortgage finalized and the closing but I have so much to do...I need to lock myself in the house for a week, but I don't have much time 0ff so it's been a crunch. My eating has been attrocious but the numbers haven't changed much. I feel like I'm powerless to make good choices when my life is so chaotic but I know that's a big cop out. Right now, I'm just waiting to get into my new house with my brand new kitchen and start fresh....that's what this move feels like - a fresh start! Hope everyone else out there is doing well!

OMG....

Lots of great stuff going on over here...this year has such a different vibe! My husband and I are in the midst of buying our first house....nothing is a done deal yet but we've made an offer and had it accepted and we're waiting to schedule our inspection and contractor meeting because the house is foreclosed and has somethings that need to be addressed first...the kitchen needs to be re-done, the bathroom...walls painted and repaired...but I am so in love with this house. My family is doing well. My kitty is still alive and doing well after two months of seizures...he hasn't had one since X-mas, knock on wood!! I still have a job...I am in a good place...weight wise, no change. I've been dieting like a good girl and no luck with losing anything...but I'm still trying and not giving up. Once we buy the house, I won't be able to afford food so that will be my next diet!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Clearly I've been slacking

I've been meaning to write this post for several days...but I just haven't been in the mood to string together several coherant thoughts. Today I weighed myself, and I'm down a pound since last week and that's something to celebrate. It only took 6 weeks for my body to recognize that I was depriving it....but I'd like to point out some NSV's that have going on over here! I have been drinking coffee every morning now for the past 6 weeks. I know most people think this is either no big deal or not a good idea but there are several reasons why this rocks for me!! 1. It's a habit, and it's stuck and it's given me a good routine 2. I drink it with ff half and half and 2 sugars so it's less than a 100 calories but I'm willing to put it in my daily calorie budget (The same coffee from DD is 170 calories!) 3. I read a recent report that said drinking coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning can actually improve your metabolism and is a good way to start your day - so this coffee thinkg is working out for me. My second NSV is vitamins....I'm not always compliant when it comes to medications....I'm supposed to be a few - I take none....one is my asthma medication that I haven't been taking for about 6 months...I just can't afford it and it hasn't affected me in the slightest and I've been working out without it and I'm fine, one is a trial medication, none of them are life threatening...I've never been good about vitamins or supplements though....Steve was better about it but we've discovered that he's allergic to the fillers (we think) or maybe something in the multi-vitamin formula so I've been playing around with that stuff....so now every night I've been mixing this Vitamin C powder into some orange juice and we take acidophilus, fish oil, a Vitamin D/calcium chew and a metamucil heart health pill...this habit has stuck as well. The final NSV has been to use a program call LoseIt with my ipod touch...it's free and it tracks food, exercise and weight! I love it!! So I'm down 2.6 total since Jan. 1st...not that great but the losses have really only been coming these past few weeks and my period has returned! I feel good!

It's been a year since I lost my dad...it's out of the way, over....I really thought losing him would help me get my butt in gear, and it did at least in terms of training for my bike ride. And 2010 is going to be my year...but I can't seem to lose any weight. I have made some major changes and haven't lost an ounce...but the truth is, that I haven't been all that faithful. A few good days, a few bad...and bad isn't even bad by before's standards...so it's frustrating...I'm not ready to eat 1000 calories and go to the gym twice a day....I wish I were that girl, but I'm not...and I'm crazy busy with gymnastics...which feels like a waste, it's killing my self esteem, because I let it, because I take things personally, because I hold myself responsible....I need....something and I'm still trying to find it. Slowly the house is getting clean and organized. Soon I'll be selling off all my old stuff, soon we'll be switching the office and the bedroom, soon I'll feel motivated....I feel like my life and really living is just on the horizon...I'm not there yet but I'm heading in the right direction!

525,600 minutes

That's how many minutes there are in a year. That's how many minutes I've been without my father. It's been a long and painful year for me. On New Years Day, I felt a relief that 2009 was out the door, today, I feel relief that I've made it to 1 year. I would do anything to have my father back, anything...and this day doesn't feel special, it feels empty....a year ago, it was one of the worst...a day similar to today - the sun was shining...I'd like to think my dad was floating up to where ever he was headed....he didn't get there for a few days....I felt him get there...Daddy....I miss you, more than anything and I love you, even though you're not here to receive that love!! 7/31/1943-1/26/2009.

Gems and Beads Catalog - who wants it?

I don't know how I got on the mailing list, but I got this fabulous 1275 pg catalog called Fire Mountain Gems and Beads and it appears to have everything in it....I know someone out there is really into making jewelry and would totally benefit from this, so I'd like to pass it along...any takers?

I want it

There are some mornings, once I'm awake, that I think about this weight loss journey and I want the weight loss so bad I can taste it. Because I was thin until I graduated H.S., I have had a taste of what I'd look like. I think I'd probably even look better now than I did then...and I want that...but then a day like yesterday happens, where I eat like crap and I'm discouraged. Losing weight is so just so damn hard. One bad day can ruin your weigh in, not enough water can ruin your weigh in, missing a day at the gym ruins your weigh in....and when you're already disappointed in yourself, it doesn't take much to give up. So this post is to remind me that I want it....and even when I mess up, that desire to be thin still rages on and if I listen to it, I will het there someday...no hurry!!

I made it to week two. No loss this week. I read an interesting article that suggested that you weigh yourself frequently as it boosts accountability...so I weighed myself yesterday, was down a pound, ate well all day, had a great workout and today, when it counts, I got nothing. But I modified the Special K challenge to include more real foods and it appears to be working. I've done a bit of journalling, have been reading my positive thoughts book and today got a sexy new hair do....unfortunately, my house would benefit from the same amount of attention I'm giving myself.

And in the TMI category - I just got my period again so I'm assuming that my personal neglect was the culprit and now that I'm taking better care of myself, my body is happy!

First week

Yesterday I was reading some of my old posts....and I determined that 2008 was my weight loss year. It's when I got really active on here and I lost, a lot rather fast....and I used FitDay - which has pretty much been the only thing to work for me. I am reporting a loss this week, only .6. But I am getting my bearings in this journey yet again. I went to the gym twice this week so that's a start. And unfortunately, when I start working out with Jon, the training is so hard that I do significant damage to my muscles and it takes quite awhile to even out - it's hard to flush that waste....but I will be seeing significant changes in my body. I'm still enjoying Special K and awaiting the ability to plan the next two weeks...I still have another week before I get two more weeks. I have had some dietary indescretions but I am skating that fine line between not caring and allowing myself to live. I can do this!
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders"

Doing well here - loving the Special K challenge...supplementing with some additional food because, sadly, the bigger you are, the more calories you need and right now, 1200 calories or so isn't cutting it. Went back to the gym yesterday, two more training sessions this week. Major mood improvements because IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY!!!

To close out 2009

1. Was 2009 good for you? Not in the slightest and I am thankful that it is over!!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Sitting on Presque Isle, in Erie, PA where my Dad grew up, with my husband watching the sun set and feeling very connected to him.
3. What was your worst moment of the year? The day we stopped life support for my father.
4. Where were you when 2009 began? Upstairs doing shots with the neighbors.
5. Who were you with? Justin, Vicki, Paul and my husband.
6. Where were you when 2009 ended? At home with Tracy and Steve watching movies and drinking wine.
7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? Not at all.
8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2010? See previous post.
9. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, I already have my love!
10. Did you make any new friends in 2009? I met some really neat new people but not necessarily became friends with them. I did get a bit closer to some people in my life so I guess you count those as new friends!
11. What was your favorite month of 2009? December.
12. Why this month? Because the year ended.
13. Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? No.
14. How many different places did you travel to in 2009? Michigan, Virginia and Pennsylvania. 15. Did you miss anybody in the past year? I miss my father every day.
16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? P.S. I love you.
17. What was your favorite song from 2009? The one I posed lyrics to in my previous post.
18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009? Two circus demonstrations, one community theater presentation, and two concerts.
19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? REO Speedwagon, Styx and .38 Special.
20. What was your favorite book in 2009? My Sister's Keeper.
21. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets....
22. What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? That I was OK - I'm still not ok.
23. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? I should be kinder to my mother....
24. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? No more so than usual.
25. What was your proudest moment of 2009? Finishing the last day of Tour DaVita - in honor of my father!
26. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? I don't embarrass easily...
27. f you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? I would have spent more time with my father in January, but I didn't know I was going to lose him...
28. Where did you work in 2009? I work at DaVita.
29. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009? ER.
30. Favorite Band(s) of 2009? Shinedown, Nickelback
31. Favorite Food in 2009? I need to stop liking food all together
32. Favorite Drink in 2009? Diet soda, which I know will kill me
33. Favorite Place in 2009? my bed
34. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2009? My husband
35. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2009? Jon - my trainer....strange as it sounds, he reads me pretty easily and calls it like it is....no bullshit with him...and he pushes me to do for me and be a better person
36. Favorite trip in 2009? Erie
37. Favorite stores in 2009? Lane Bryant and the Kitchen Collection
38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2009? Aside from my father, my cat....
39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2009? New Years Eve
40, Funniest moment(s) in 2009? Not nearly as many laughs as there should've been but I finished the year out with a friend of mine pouring vinegar down some guys jacket...and he didn't even know it!

My wish for 2010

Every year I make the same New Years Resolution - to lose 100 lbs by the end of the month...or some other weight loss resolution....I never made one for 2009. But 2009 turned out to be the worst year of my life...and yes, I do realize, I will have another year down the road that turns out to be just as awful...but losing a parent, getting into an accident bad enough to total your car, your 91 year old grandmother flipping her car and a terminally ill cat can throw you into a tailspin. So I spent the month of December eating my way into oblivion and doing some soul searching. It didn't help that the entire month, 5 or 6 people decided to chew me to shreds....my self-esteem is shattered. Pretty much everyone hates me. I hate me....when I wrote that post about hating myself, I hadn't even had some of those devasting conversations yet. So...I decided that 2010 is going to be about me...because for once, I think I'm worthy. And this year I've made a few resolutions:

1. To put me before anyone else
2. To read several self help books and really work on myself so that other find me more bearable.
3. To lose the weight, and not always come up with excuses to fall off the wagon
4. To spend at least 15 minutes a day on my personal appearance
5. To become a gym bunny

My plan is to start with losing 16 pounds this month - the first month is always the easiest. I am doing the Special K challenge...or at least trying to....I'm not off to a good start, but I'm definately minding my intake and hope to post at least a small loss this week. I'm only going to weigh myself once a week, anything more than that and I beat myself up for .5. I am planning on going to the gym at least once a day, most days....I will be meeting with my trainer 3x week and I'm at the gym at least 2 other days for work....even if it's something little. I bought two self help books "Helping me help myself" and "Too nice for your own good". I'm going to start there. I've been trying to be a bit more introvert, speak less, work harder but quieter....this will be a tough one. And finally, to spend more time on myself. I don't dress well and I don't fuss with my appearance much. I used to be quite a pretty girl, and parts of me are still asthetically pleasing...but it takes much more to look good now. So, I'm going to use lotion, make-up, blow dry my hair, use products, take bubble baths....I also want to get back into blogging...I've missed it. I'm cleaning up my blog list today and slowly, I think I'd like to build it back up again. I'm also journaling. I used to journal like it was going out of style. Again, making excuses. But it's easy to carry my journal and jot things down while I'm feeling them and analyze them later. bottom line is, If I don't love me, no one will...so here's to 2010 being a year of transition!