Friday, May 7, 2010

Scared

I'm scared...it's really hard to put my finger on why....but it's directly related to my weight loss....I'm scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared that I'm going to be in this constant state of fear and self-loathing and self-destruction....I'm scared that I'm not scared when I should be...this week will definately show a gain...and not because I was eating excessively, but because I was eating poorly...but I've made some great changes like getting rid of full fat cheese and making sure to bring most meals to work, drinking water and limiting myself to one glass of diet soda, finally trying spinning and loving it!! But I'm still clouded by fear, fear that was re-inforced when I spent a day at an eating disorders conference, fear that that's me...I have an eating disorder...not the standard bulemia, definately not anorexia though I jokingly say I wish it were like mono-get it for a bit, let it work it's magic and away it goes, and I don't even have binge eating disorder...I fall into the EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified...the terrifying part is that there's not one good treatment or medication....I just have to find what works....but what works never works long enough for me. My biological mother died at age 34 from obesity related cardiac issues...I am going to be 29....I look at my life in terms of how many years until I'm the same age as my mother, will I live to be that same age, will I ever look good again - I'm afraid to look good...this fat blanket sheilds me...no one cares about me, I'm barely glanced at any more and for me, who's so outspoken, that's a good place...but what if my weight is holding me back from job opportunities, from making new friends, from truly feeling well, and from starting a family....why can't I be afraid of all these things when the ice cream calls my name, when a menu has salad and french fries on it and the french fries inevitably win...Today, I don't know...but I will keep hoping that tomorrow I will know...

5 comments:

Debi said...

Hi Megan,

Im Debi... I came across your blog by looking for other weightloss blogs. I just want you to know I can relate to how your feeling. Fear is a big crippler...you have to find a way to fight it.
I just want to encourage you to keep striving for what you know is good for you.
You are at a good place when you can send your thoughts out in the world for others to view. If you can build a network of people who support you, you will find you can do anything you put your mind to.
Take this journey your on one step, one day at a time.
=)
Debi
Second Journey

Gina and Ethan said...

Hi Megan-
I am Gina from Utah... I came across your blog by hitting next blog. I am on the same Journey as you! It is Super tough and people that don't have issues with weight don't understand! Feel free to lean on me for support... I am a month and 1 week in and 10 lbs lighter! YOU GO GIRL!!!
GIna
life time dieter!

MaryFran said...

Girl, weight loss is freakin' scary!! I have also let fears sabatage my weight loss efforts more times that I like to admit. Fight down those fears and focus on what you want out of life and dont' let the fears stop you.

Weight loss is something that you will constantly be adapting and adjusting to fit your ever changing life. Something that worked for me 2 months ago may not work today! Adaptation.....learn and adjust....moving on!


I don't know if it would be considered an eating disorder, but I am an addict. I am addicted to food....to the act of eating. Plain and simple. I eat to get that rush of pleasure that one gets from a really good bite of food!

MaryFran said...

Girl, weight loss is freakin' scary!! I have also let fears sabatage my weight loss efforts more times that I like to admit. Fight down those fears and focus on what you want out of life and dont' let the fears stop you.

Weight loss is something that you will constantly be adapting and adjusting to fit your ever changing life. Something that worked for me 2 months ago may not work today! Adaptation.....learn and adjust....moving on!


I don't know if it would be considered an eating disorder, but I am an addict. I am addicted to food....to the act of eating. Plain and simple. I eat to get that rush of pleasure that one gets from a really good bite of food!

ericadanya said...

Awwwww...I feel your fear. And fear is motivating, right? These are lifelong changes. I am feeling it with P90X right now...fighting to change 28 year-long patterns. It ain't easy and it breaks your self-esteem (what little of it there is!!). It feels like it can crush you. I get it. Hang in there :)