Scared

I'm scared...it's really hard to put my finger on why....but it's directly related to my weight loss....I'm scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared that I'm going to be in this constant state of fear and self-loathing and self-destruction....I'm scared that I'm not scared when I should be...this week will definately show a gain...and not because I was eating excessively, but because I was eating poorly...but I've made some great changes like getting rid of full fat cheese and making sure to bring most meals to work, drinking water and limiting myself to one glass of diet soda, finally trying spinning and loving it!! But I'm still clouded by fear, fear that was re-inforced when I spent a day at an eating disorders conference, fear that that's me...I have an eating disorder...not the standard bulemia, definately not anorexia though I jokingly say I wish it were like mono-get it for a bit, let it work it's magic and away it goes, and I don't even have binge eating disorder...I fall into the EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified...the terrifying part is that there's not one good treatment or medication....I just have to find what works....but what works never works long enough for me. My biological mother died at age 34 from obesity related cardiac issues...I am going to be 29....I look at my life in terms of how many years until I'm the same age as my mother, will I live to be that same age, will I ever look good again - I'm afraid to look good...this fat blanket sheilds me...no one cares about me, I'm barely glanced at any more and for me, who's so outspoken, that's a good place...but what if my weight is holding me back from job opportunities, from making new friends, from truly feeling well, and from starting a family....why can't I be afraid of all these things when the ice cream calls my name, when a menu has salad and french fries on it and the french fries inevitably win...Today, I don't know...but I will keep hoping that tomorrow I will know...