Monday, July 12, 2010

After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has's been a rough month for our precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....


Sassy said...

Your pumpkin is beautiful and it sounds like she's been such a special family member and blessed you with many happy memories.
I know your pain. We had to put down 3 cats within 1 year and only one is left and he is terribly lonely. You loose a little piece of yourself with each loss. What you are feeling is normal and I hope that you have comfort and peace in the times that you shared. In time, the ache will be less, but your Pumpkin will never be forgotten or less loved.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
You do deserve to be happy.
You deserve good things in life.
You will be happy.
You will have good things in life.
I believe in Karma, but good karma is much much stronger than bad karma.

P.S. I really hope you don't mind me commenting...I lurk and felt like I should comment.

MaryFran said...

Girl, I am right there with you, crying for pumpkin and crying for your loss. It's not easy.

I also feel like you, that for the last however long, life has just been kicking me and kicking me hard. But I just read a blog and it encouraged me to focus on the good. So instead of focusing on the bad...focus on all the good times you had with pumpkin!!!