Happy 91st Birthday Grandma!!!


It's just not the same without you....

My theme song

I caught a chill,
and it's still frozen on my skin.
I think about why I'm alone,
by myself No one else to explain how far do I go?
No one knows.
If the end is so much better, why don't we just live forever?
Don't tell me I'm the last one in line.
Don't tell me I'm too late this time
[Chorus]I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
Out here, nothings clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited
Disappear into the fear
You know there ain't no comin' back when you're still carrying the past
You can't erase, separate
Cigarette in my hand, Hope you all understand
I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine
[Chorus]I don't want to live To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
I won't be the last one in line,
I finally figured out what's mine
[Chorus]I don't want to live To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
And I feel like I'm breaking,
I feel like i'm breaking inside


This is how I've been feeling...

Self-reflection

I hate myself.

I know those are really harsh words and if I hate myself, no one else will like me, but it's truly how I feel.

There are several things lately that have sparked this realization. The first being my cat. I know, I know, enough about the cat...but I can't. I am so totally in love with my cat and am now trying to work through the grieving process. Today is a bad day for him, for us...he hadn't had a seizure since Sunday morning...I knew it was bound to happen....I was brushing him, boom...seizure....I think he was ok at night....I went to bed at 8, stayed up until midnight and then finally conked out....This morning though, he kept coming to lay with me, stand up and have a seizure, walk to the end of the bed, sit for a minute, come back, repeat....he's fallen a few times today too....He just stands up, then tips....but he doesn't seem in pain, he's still eating and drinking and purring when he's not caught in the midst of something else...I just don't know what to do....and I am not one for regrets so I need to be 100% on my decision. I hate myself for letting this rule my life, for being so emotional. And I hate that I really have no support. My birthday was Tuesday and thanks to the modern world of facebook, lots of people knew it was my birthday....about 40-50 people wished me happy birthday...but really only 5 or so were my true friends and 5 were family...sad that when I take stock of the people in my life, there aren't many. I have felt so alone this year...At my dad's funeral, hardly anyone came for me and still nearly a year later, no one asks about me, they always ask about my mom....I hate myself for not having a good network.

Lately, everyone's been sharing their opinion of me....and it hasn't been nice. I am loud, bossy, pushy, over the line...I'm just not a very good person I guess....but I feel that very few people invest the minutes it takes to really see through me....To see that I really hate myself, have zero self esteem, that I'm lonely and unsure of myself....that my exterior really doesn't match my interior...I am loyal, and passionate, and altruistic, I'm sweet and super sensitive....no one cares. Every day, someone tells me they don't like how I was during a meeting, that when asked about something I feel I have a good handle on, I'm a know-it-all....people asked me to help with insurance stuff, my boss tells me I shouldn't, even though she invited a colleauge of mine to help others....no one ever says thanks, or wow, you really know your stuff...or I couldn't have done it without you....I need validation...and not of all of the wonderful things I'm not...believe me, I'm my own worst critic....I know where I fall short....

And finally, on Tuesday, I had a sort of heart to heart with my trainer....he's a no-nonsense kinds of guy...he just lobs it out there....I really appreciate it but still it hurt....I hate myself so much that I put myself last, or not at all. I hate the way I look, I hate that I'm obese, that my face is round, that I have bad skin, that suddenly I have more zits than a 13 year old boy....I hate that I have a muffin top...and that all of my clothes make me look pregnant. I hate that my husband thinks I'm ugly and he's no longer attracted to me...so my trainer pointed out that I've been miserable at my job, miserable because of my cat, miserable with my life....but I still feel powerless to do anything...a huge part of me just wants to pack up and run...really, I'd love to move back to Philly and start fresh there...something about Philly is soothing to me...maybe because I really grew up there, I don't know...a part of me feels like once my cat is gone it will be like an albatross has been removed and I can start over... I just don't know what to do...

I wish I could speak less
I wish I could eat less
I wish I could motivate myself to take care of me
I wish my husband would love me
I wish I could love me
I wish anyone else would love me


I am sorry.

I snapped today...it was bound to happen. We had a meeting very early this morning with one of the docs I work with that I find really challenging. The meeting didn't start off well because the md was being difficult and I was struggling. Kitty has been having seizures and falling down...I am struggling with what to do....he is so happy, purring non-stop....eating, drinking, going to the bathroom. He walks fine too. But suddenly, he stands up and starts twitching, and then sometimes falls over...I know his time is fast approaching, but I don't feel he's there yet. And I feel like such a fool for being so attached.....but this cat and I have bonded in an indescribable way and I know that no matter how many cats I will have in my life, he will always be my favorite pet. My first cat will always have a place in my heart as well, but her personality just didn't suit what I'd imagined as a little girl. And of course, I love my other cat...but my pumpkin is just special! My husband's about to lose his job. The building that houses his business was foreclosed and is being auctioned in 10 days. We already have bills that far exceed our income. This hit, during the holidays, is not welcome. My mother in law put down one of her cats yesterday, it hit really close to home. So any way, at work, I cover 3 clinics and it's wearing me down. I have two bosses, one for my primary clinic and one for the other two I cover. My primary boss is out on maternity leave and my other boss hates me...in fact I think everyone does....so much negative feedback, about all different things...and yes, I realize that if that many people are saying something about me, I probably have a problem...but a lot of this is personality....I am who I am...so the boss that hates me calls me out about the meeting this morning...I was cold and abrubt.....I wish I just never spoke, it's hard to withdraw when you're normally so open...yet no one really knows me...and I lost it...about covering 3 clinics, about the cat, my husband, my year, how my company took away my paid time off because they thought I cheated the system but gave it back and I still don't really have any time off....so I was supposed to work sunday since we're closed Thursday and she told me I couldn't go to work...she was banning me...but I want to go to work...and she's taking away the third clinic because the social worker I share it with had a shift in her other case load. I feel like all I do now is cry and wait for my cat to die....I think I hate me...

Hanging in here...cat is still hanging in too...though the past few days have been bad. Today was just a bad day and I'm finishing it out with a headache...I'm about to go to bed and it's not even 8:30....I've been cooking dinner every night, except the weekend and I've been bringing lunch and dinner. I've been seeing my personal trainer at least 1x per week. Because of my work schedule, I won't have a day off until thanksgiving and since I'm hosting it, it's not much of a day off...my birthday is next week and I've got to be honest - I'm not even interested...I just want to finish this year...

The last 6 months in review

This is my new bathroom - the one that took me over a month to complete. It used to be blue, like the color of the save button below. And the walls were never prepped before, so they were full of holes and pock marks. I used an entire jar of spackle just to fix. I had put up a rubber duckie border...it looked really cute...but I started re-caulking the tub because the caulk was moldy...and there the project began. The cabinet above the toilet is new, there's a picture and towel rack around the corner next to the sink and the leaf theme is new. I love it!!

My latest Suzie-Homemaker endeavor. A friend had two boys and everyone I know is pregnant....so now I figured out how to make diaper cakes to go along with my regular cakes.

My two precious boys....

My newest ink....I know Serenity is spelled wrong...I went back, it's been fixed...The banner on the angel has my dad's name and on the bottom, it says '43 and '09....his birth and his death. I know it's missing some of the punctuation but I have to go back anyway to have the i in serenity re-colored....It's an homage to my father and yes, I know the serenity prayer is from AA.

My baby....all smashed up....no pictures of the new car yet....

Me, two Michigan girls, and Lisa, our pharmacy rep...that's Lake Michigan in the back! It was beautiful...I miss Steph and Brandi and Lisa...and wish I could do nothing but ride a bike...

Me and Erika, the first day...hence the smiles.....she's a great friend, but also my lead social worker and my tentmate!~~

Our trip to Mystic Aquarium - my treat to myself for passing my licensing test and a nice summer day.

And the last two - from 2007 and my wedding....I came in to look at my dress, all spread out and there was my baby, just hanging out on the train....I wish I could go back to that day. And lastly, my tomatoes, from my gargen, that I turned into sauce!

I'm sure I've lost all my readership...what little I had....I'm barely holding it together here....I keep saying that I'm going to get my act together and really kick this thing in the butt. It hasn't happened yet. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around it....and nothing annoys me more than my lack of commitment....but I don't want to keep writing posts about failing...I came home my bike ride, tried to commit and instead decided to re-do our bathroom. A month later and it's still not painted...the goal this weekend is to finish it. Last week, a classmate of mine committed suicide. He was well liked and a police officer with lots of community ties. I went to his wake, it was like a high school reunion, only no one recognized me...and not because I was suddenly more beautiful than I was in high school, but because I was 100 pounds heavier....I went grocery shopping so the house is stocked with good food and I went back to the gym Tuesday.....I've been busy beyond belief, and I have tons more stuff to do....one of these days I need to commit to myself...I'm not there yet.....but I'm working on it!

I've been slacking...

I'm back from my bike ride. I had an awesome time, rode 155 miles in 3 days, including riding all the miles the final day- about 65, but I think it was more. I made some new friends, caught up with Tour DaVita friends and came home thoroughly exhausted. Bought a car the next day - I have a black 2001 Civic. I love it! I've spent the last 2 weeks working on it, it's getting a make-over but after next weekend, it'll be hott!! I got a huge tattoo too!! It covers all my back above my bra line. It's the serenity prayer with an angel and butterfly. The angel has my dad's name and dates too. And the serenity prayer was for him too, it was what was on his prayer card and a homage to a time in our lives where we really connected. I really miss my dad and wish he were still here.....with the holiday approaching...it's been hard. My cat was really sick last weekend and I thought I'd have to put him down but he appears better. I've been stocking the fridge with really healthy stuff...bought several diet books. I'm getting my butt in gear. I'm going back to the trainer 3x week starting this week - I needed last week off. And I'm thinking about going to spinning in the mornings....I'm tired of saying I want to lose weight, I'm tired of reading others in the same place....if anyone wants to join me....I'm looking for a buddy and MaryFran, I'm going to get back to you...I have no more planned trips and no vacations so it's smooth sailing until Thanksgiving - which I do the cooking and we eat low-fat so no worries!! I'll post pictures soon - I haven't uploaded them yet! How is everyone else doing?

Weigh in for the first week put me down a little over 2 pounds. I'm ok with that...this week I got some lower numbers but I haven't eaten all that good this weekend at all!! I'm just not feeling it. Car was totalled on Friday...still now wheels...hopefully this week. Awaiting word on a loan so I can afford said wheels. I leave Saturday morning for my bike ride...I'm starting to get excited...I didn't ride as much as I'd hoped though yet somehow I feel more prepared....just trying to survive...

Was doing good, writing daily posts....got into a car accident on Friday...car is totalled...I'm ok...wishing I'd died, but OK. The car was bought by my dad for me when I moved home to go to undergrad. It's a Civic...but it was fairly new and a 5 spd. He taught me how to drive stick...and when he died, my mom and I traded cars since she couldn't drive it...I felt like a piece of him was always with me....I want to fix it...but they're going to want to scrap it....my husband wants me to buy it back from the insurance...which I will....but I'm hoping I can take it to a shop and get it fixed, instead of looking for a new car. My kitty hasn't been doing well either and I think he's not going to be with us much longer...so all in all...things are looking pretty grim here....I've done nothing but mope and sleep all weekend...I'm feeling pretty blue...hope everyone else is having a good Labor Day weekend.

The jist...

So here's the abbreviated version of yesterday's post....Tuesday - I ate like crap and commented on how it wasn't the greatest start to losing weight....thought I did bad yesterday but when I typed it all out, not too bad....stepped on the scale this morning...down 3 pounds....feeling overwhelmed by all of the things I want to do in anticipation of fall such as weed my gardens, turn some of my less than stellar soil and dump my potting mix into it and ebay/amazon/goodwill all of the clothing and other stuff laying around the house. We're looking to buy a house sometime in the next few months and I really want to have less stuff....today my eating was so-so....we had a lunch in-service and I just had Boston Market for dinner...I haven't worked out this week...the rest has been nice. I'll be in the gym nearly every day starting next week so I'm really hoping to end the year a bit less....how's it going?

This is harder than I remember it being

Damn....I just typed a whole post here...a good one too and I had an error...grr....

Starting Anew

The damage - 249.2...up about 10 pounds from my lowest this year. I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to maintain my loss and possibly add to that, but it is what it is and I need to move forward.
The plan - use Fitday to at least track my daily eating. I am doing my bike ride in less than 3 weeks so I'll be training hard for that. I'm going to start seeing my trainer 3x per week and I burn about 500-1000 calories with him...and I'm back to gymnastics full time starting next week so that's more activity.
I'm hoping that all of this will translate into some weight loss!!

I passed!!!

My months of studying have finally ended in the result I was hoping for - I passed. I am now officially a Licensed Clinical Social Worker!! Tomorrow is day 1 of my challenge to lose 20lbs by New Years....I lost a bit this year and I'm hoping to lose a bit more...of course I choose a day in a week where everyone wants to celebrate...tomorrow we're having a party for one of my co-workers who's a first time grandma and I'm going out to dinner to celebrate...who knows what else this week brings but I'm really hoping to kick this in the butt!!! My bike ride is in 20 days too!! It's not too late if you want to be my email buddy (MaryFran...I'm going to get back to you one of these days!!) Thanks!

Help me x2

Hi everyone...I'm back from vacation...it was good, I'll post pics soon!! I need help though....today was supposed to be the day that we had to have our fundraising money in by....I'm short by $100....please, if anyone could donate $5, it means everything to me...I'm riding in honor of my dad..who dealt with kidney disease and who I miss terribly...who I'm sure if proud of me for doing this again, so please help, pass this on to anyone you know who'd help!! Here's the link to donate!! https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

The second thing I need help with is I need a diet buddy...I am serious about kicking off another weight loss effort...but I'm looking for a blog buddy, an email buddy, a facebook buddy and AIM buddy...anyone who's willing to talk to me nearly daily to discuss my day....I have an ulterior motive (not a bad one!) that I'll share with the lucky one...but I'm looking to shed some serious weight between now and next spring...thanks!!

For every good day I've had, it seems a few bad have followed...Lately it feels like everyone's feeling the need to be super critical of me...I can't seem to do anything right...and I'm ok with criticism..it makes me a better person...but the constant barage of it is wearing me down. Training is going well...I finally bought a bike and I love it!!! My weight is up and down but I feel like I'm looking different. My dad's birthday would've been Friday - he would've been 66. I really miss him.... My hubby's best friend is getting married on Sunday and we're going away on vacation Monday...can't wait! How is everyone else doing?

Jealous

I am jealous of everyone who has summers off.
I am jealous of everyone who still has their parents.
I am jealous of everyone who makes more money than me, has less debt than me.
I am jealous of everyone getting married now, despite the fact that I'm married and love my husband.
I am jealous of all the first time home buyers while we're still trying to get our affairs in order.
I am jealous of everyone who's household has two full time wage earners.
I am jealous of everyone who's passed the LCSW test.
I am jealous of all my fellow riders who have new bikes when all I have is a busted mountain bike....
I am jealous of a lot of things....and am struggling to move forward when it feels like everything is pushing me back!

Thank you and HELP ME

First I want to thank the 7 people who still read my blog...and thank you to the handful of lurkers as well. It is nice to feel heard and share a common struggle...speaking of struggle...I am eating everything in sight! I have been training with my trainer now for a month and a half and I feel so totally different but I haven't lost any weight...and part of my problem is that I'm eating too much. I just went shopping tonight and the house has food but my life has been crazy....went to a concert, had a picnic, went to a team party, working two jobs, going to the gym and getting home late...the excuses are innumerable...this week I have a training session tomorrow and work before and after, Wednesday I have work then going to a chiropractor, Thursday is work and a training session and Friday is a white water rafting party for one of my gymnasts...Saturday I have off for once and hope to spend with hubby and Sunday I'm going to the circus....somewhere in there I need to study. Finally...just reaching out there...I still need more donations for my bike ride....for the actual group and for myself....I'm trying to buy a nice bike since this is something I really enjoy and I need to pay for my airfare...so if anyone is willing to donate, here's my link: https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

Just wondering....is anyone out there still reading my blog...I feel lonely =(

Dandy....

Things are going well here. I've been studying my brains out....the cats seem to think my study materials are for them to lay on....but they move with some encouragement. I had a great weekend with my husband and a productive one. We went for like a 5 mile walk and I picked wild flowers and I spent hours yesterday cleaning and cooking. I even went through my clothes that don't fit because they were too small and have some "new" pants. I completed one month of my personal training and my trainer had me do the same exercise I did the very first time...he timed it the first time - I took 10:30 off....I'm feeling good...life is moving forward....I'll be posting pics soon!

Stood up

So today I went to the gym for my Thursday training session....I expected it to be pretty intense today since all I did on Tuesday was run. Jon said I needed to burn off my weekend celebration...and that today's workout would be tough. I did my warm up, stetched and waited....went downstairs...Jon left to go to a fundraiser....but I'm proud of myself. Normally, I would've said, Well I worked out a little bit, got a sweat, might as well leave...but instead I stayed and rode the bike for 6 miles, and a great time and then sat in the sauna for 10 minutes, took a shower, picked up dinner, which I didn't eat, went to my mom's and here I am...I'm proud of myself...
I also won Cammy's give-away so I'm wicked excited! Yoga here I come!

Happy Anniversary

Today is my second wedding anniversary with my husband...and nine years since we started dating. We spent the whole weekend together, taking day trips and I feel refreshed. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but time to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting pictures from visiting the mansions in Newport, RI later....until then - have a nice evening!

For the record

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone....but I feel I need to talk something out....I've been trying to be very introspective lately...and it's come to my attention that I don't have as much personal support as I'd like....but I was talking about this with some people and they were telling me that it's because I don't talk about my feelings much or try to reach out....so I've been trying to do that on here....but maybe I'm expressing too much....or using really deep words....
I know that when I'm talking about my dad or my cat I talk about deep grief and I guess that makes people feel uncomfortable or like I'm on the edge. But for those that do not know, I am a social worker....so that language, that way of expressing myself is normal. I am depressed, I am grief-stricken, I am anxious....but I am also in control. I will be the first person to recommend therapy to someone, as I am a therapist myself by training, but I don't feel I need it...I am progressing through the stages of grief and trying to move forward. I've also had a bad experience as a youth with therapy and just can't jump back into that. But I appreciate everyone's concern and comments about therapy. And I know this sounds defensive...I'm working on that...but I just want people to understand why I use such strong words and that I'm going to be ok...this is a process and with my dad, it's only been 4 months...and with my cat....I just want to make sure he's having the best life possible and I'm not keeping him alive for me....that's he happy and as healthy as he can be. Thanks!! Please leave comments if you still love me!

Who's Right

I have a weird debate - thought of it last night after looking at my picture online. So here it is - when I look in the mirror every morning I think I look OK. Yes, there are days when I look crappy....but for the most part, I feel well covered and that I look decent. But then I see pictures of myself, online, just from my camera and think that I look horrendous. The first picture in my last post, I look like I'm wearing a life vest under my shirt...But then people tell me I look like I'm losing weight or that I look good and that I'm too harsh on myself. So which image is right? I don't know....I'm feeling like I look better so I think I'm ust going to go with that!

The Man!

Had another training session today - #4.....he is kicking my butt!! But I love it!! And I can't wait to see how good I'm going to look! The first picture is before I started working out....I look awful....the second picture is after. It took a few moments to take the picture and I was dripping...he was so grossed out!

Over the top and struggling to normalize

I'm having a hard time....as usual....with my cat. I love my cat, more than anything, and probably a little bit unhealthily....but I am a true animal lover....but every day, I'm afraid to come home, to check his blood sugar, to see if he went to the bathroom. I am obsessed with his every move...And it's killing me. It leaves me so uneasy. He just went to the bathroom and got a bit on him so I wiped it off....there was a tiny bit of blood, prolly because the food I gave him for the last two days had too much fiber in it....shouldn't be a big deal, but I immediately got nauseous. I come home and randomly check his blood sugar, twice last week it was low...and I couldn't eat....I was never like this before, but since my dad, I've become fixated on my cat....and I don't know how to fix it....he's not fine and he'll never be fine and he doesn't seem to mind all of my attention but I'm tired of how it makes me feel....and I'm tired of anticipating losing him....I wish I could say it's helping me not to eat, but it's not, anymore....when I hit my low weight, it was because I was throwing up non-stop and going to the bathroom from nerves....I just feel like this year has been a non-stop nightmare....and I want it to settle down....I'm sorry that this blog is so scattered....I hope one day I'll be able to look back at it as it's serving as a journal and see some hope, some positives, but most days, I'm not there!

Training Session 3

I am surviving my personal training...and it is kicking my butt....I sweat so much I need to wear 3 shirts, I use my inhaler faithfully and I still stink at the end...but you know what? I feel good! I finally burned off all the lactic acid and dead muscle tissue so my weight is going down....and I feel like my body is changing....I feel good. Jon is letting me take a picture together on Thursday so I'll post it then!! Hope everyone had a great memorial day!~

Personal Trainer

I had my first personal training session yesterday. I was so proud of myself...I got there on time, used my inhaler beforehand, brought water....I was ready!! And then the workout started....my trainer is insane!!! He's training me to do crossfit...there's a website www.crossfit.com. It's a combo of weight lifting, gymnastics, martial arts, you name it.....and I hurt something fierce! Here's the link to donate to my bike ride....I forgot to add it. https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

Doom and gloom

It's raining right now, and dark. I just turned on the heat, and we're half way through May. I'm not sure if I'm cold because it's cold in here (it's 68 degrees) or because I'm not in a good place. Things continue to be difficult. Most days are OK, today is not a good one. It's only been 3 and a half months since I lost my dad and I find that right now, each day becomes more difficult. I miss him more, not less and now all I see is the things I'm missing out on....like I don't get to celebrate Father's Day anymore...though I know I will always celebrate him. Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut. The last time I got my hair cut, it was three days before he died...and while I sat there, I knew that I was getting my hair done for my father's funeral. Things with the cat have also been a challenge. I know he's fine, in fact, he done better than most cats. He'll be 13 in August and he's been on insulin for almost 3 years now. But every day, I'm terrified to come home because I'm afraid he'll be dead or something else bad will have happened...I watch his every move, analyze everything...stupid things, not stupid things. The other day, our two cats were fighting while I was at work (my husband was home so he told me about it) and before bed I went to fill their food dish and there was blood all over it. I thought it was from my cat's mouth since he had all his teeth out....later on I discovered that my kitty's nose had been scratched and the blood was from him rubbing his nose trying to pick up food....but things like that make me a mess....I come home and force myself to go to bed early, sleep is the only reprieve I get. It's my defense mechanism.....I'm just tired of feeling crappy....and I know it takes time....but I am so sad and depressed and it's hard to be motivated for anything....so thanks for bearing with me....

Trying to get my groove

I did really good last week, had a so-so weekend. My husband took my car apart to fix it and realized it needed more parts so I have no car this week. I've been getting up at 5 to bring him to work and then dragging myself to work. It's really been bad for my weigh ins because I usually wait an hour before I weigh in. I only saw a .6 loss this week, even though it was more during the weekend. I am putting together all my stuff for Tour DaVita...I'm putting my flyer I made for my work on the bottom of this post. I'm starting my training with my trainer on Tuesday. We're doing something called cross fit and he's agreeable to training me up to 3 times per week. I went to the local bike shop, which is huge and awesome to start pricing some nice riding stuff....and sadly...I need personal donations in order to get the things I really need. I need about $200 to get my shoes and petals which is a must and I want to get them now to become used to them...

And the bike I found, $600....so I'm working on it!
Megan, the Social Worker, is doing Tour DaVita again this year!!!

This year’s ride is in Michigan. The ride is September 19th – September 23rd. The ride is 250 miles, starting in Greenville and ending in Grand Haven. All funds raised go towards the Kidney Trust. Please see Megan if you want more information or if you have any questions!
I look forward to representing my clinics and CT!

My first blog award

I have received my first award - from Weight by the SeaShore. I am honored. Here I was thinking that my blog wasn't read by anyone, and I got this lovely surprise. I am continueing to do well. I emailed my trainer so hopefully in the next few days I will have a training schedule with him. I am in the process of trying to purchase a nice cycling bike so I can do my cycling training. I am also out to buy shoes. The website for my ride is awesome this year. www.tourdavita.org. If you want to sponsor me, it says sponsor a rider. I'm under G. I made all three meals every day this week, except today because I was at a meeting. It feels good to do that. I bought the premium version of Fitday so now I can sync my online account with my desktop account. So all is well and I'm feeling pumped!

Here are my five Super Bloggers:
Mary Fran
Heather
Felicia
Dottie
and
Angie

The Super Blog rules:
~ Tape it up on your blog somewhere.
~ Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!
~ When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Changing

I am changing my blog today - so welcome to the new layout - which isn't impressive, but I feel I need to change it. I'm also going to be changing my blog list. Too many people don't update their blog anymore and I need some new reading material. I'm also going to try to be better about leaving comments. I need to drum up some more readers.....I feel lonely...but I still love to write about my journal. It keeps me accountable and keeps me motivated. Speaking of motivated, a friend/colleague of mine works with me as a personal trainer and since I'm doing this race and I need all the help I can get, he's agreed to help me pro-bono....so I'm hoping to be a hottie again, sooner rather than later. I'll be posting more about my bike ride, with pictures from last year, some current stats and a picture and hopefully some progress between now and then. I've been doing good on the food front, already down a pound this week and it's only Wednesday...well I'm off to make dinner - steak, red potatoes and asparagus - all on the grill since the sun is shining today!

Motivated

I am feeling motivated....that's one for the records. Today has been a busy day. I went to work today with all of my food planned. I am back to using FitDay which I really like. After dinner, I'm under 2000 calories which is a milestone for me, considering I was eating around 3-4000 calories a day normally. I think I have a buddy but I'm open to more. I signed up today for Tour DaVita - a 250 mile bike ride across Michigan in September, raising funds for the Kidney Trust. I wasn't going to do the ride, with my year being the way it has, but I can't think of a better way to honor my father. So I'm going to ride in his memory. I just tried on last years jersey and it barely fit....I look like a sausage....yuck.....so I want to lose the 15 pounds by August 1st and if I can gain more in the following two months, I'd love it!! I need to do this...so it's on!!!

Blogville Buddy

I am looking to start kicking butt and losing weight again on Friday, but I need help. I'm looking for an email buddy. One that I can send emails back and forth about what I'm eating, what they're eating, exercise and so on....and maybe a little friendly competition. I'm looking to lose 15 pounds by August 1st so if someone has a similar goal and is looking for a partner - please respond!

I went to the gym today.....it's been a long time since that happened....and it felt good! I wish I were able to be unemplyed temporarily....It would be so easy to focus on this weight loss thing....I'm still not eating that great, but I'm working on it. I bought the new version of Fitday and really like it. I'm toying around with buying a premier membership so I can link my online and at-home version. I'm trying some different suppliments to help with this cholesterol thing and I think May 1st is going to be my official start date - giving me exactly 3 months to shape up! I do not want to be on a cholesterol med at 27. Well I'm going to go take a nap...procrastinating from doing real work....

The plan

I'm working on "the plan". I found a PCP and he gave me a lab slip to re-check my cholesterol in several months...so my end date is August 1st. I'm in the process of coming up with some goals though, like to workout/ be active half of the days, to cut my dietary cholesterol to less than....to use FitDay again, which I think I'm going to sign up for the premier membership tomorrow when I get paid....I'd love support, suggestions, even a partner so bring it!

I'm here~

Hey everyone - I'm doing good, still here. Kitty is doing well too! I just came back from Virginia, went to my first Nascar race - it was cool!! Bad for the diet though as my friend wanted to eat all the junk in the world...I was up like 10 pounds...
I'm back down 5 of those now and most of it is just water weight. I went to the new Yankee stadium too which meant a lot to me as my dad was a die-hard Yankees fan. Hope everyone else is doing well!

My new plan is to work on my health....well, it's not exactly a new plan because obviously losing weight works on my health. But I had a bunch of labs drawn, and the results weren't good. My cholesterol came back high....only borderline, but still high. And I already have a bunch of risk factors for heart disease, I'm over-weight, my biological mother died of a heart attack in her early 30's, my cholesterol is high and side affects of PCOS put me at risk. So I went to the book store and bought a book all about cholesterol and what to do to lower it....no surprises....eat less, work out more....but I don't want to die....and after working in health care, I don't want my body modified any more than it already is....I like owning original equipment...so tomorrow, it's back to FitDay, back to the gym, back to meal prep....to continue to lose weight and hopefully neck time I have my cholestrol reading done, it will be good. My OB is probably going to put me on metformin so that should help with my blood sugar and weight loss, my dad lost about 70 pounds on that....and I have an appt with a primary in two weeks to look more into this....so hopefully I'm well on my way!

Another badge, 35 pounds gone, actually a little more than that. I wish I could say, "Oh yeah, I finally found sometihng that works and it's this...." but I've really just joined the stressed out, overly anxious, too depressed to eat diet...I was told today that my cat probably has a year to live, maybe less....another blow in too short a time. I wish I could say "time - out". For every one thing I have to look forward to, something over-shadows it. I was just laying in bed with the cats and my husband, it should've been comforting....it made me sad....I look at my cat and think I'm on borrowed time...thank you to anyone who still reads this pathetic blog...I know my numbers are dwindling.....one of these days I'll finish my blog roll....have a great rest of the week!

Brutal Honesty

I warn all who are thinking about reading this post, that it's going to be depressing, sad, upsetting....but I'm not in a good place, and I'm physically all alone right now and I need to share...


I feel empty right now, all the time, to the core. I always knew that I wouldn't have my dad nearly long enough. I knew it as a small child, because my parents were older than everyone else's, I knew it when my dad got diagnosed with COPD, and then got worse and I knew it 5 days before my dad died....But I thought I'd come to terms with it, as well as one could facing this inevitability. But it didn't happen the way I planned it. I walked into his room the day he died, broke down and just said enough...my mom and I looked at each other and within minutes, he was gone. My life has all but stopped. Support from those closest to me is all but stopped. Everyone asks how my mom is doing, no one asks about me. Probably because I'm too honest. No one really wants to know the truth. I feel nothing...but pain, and sorrow and despair. I have no desire to do anything, work, live, anything...my husband let it slide, but he thinks I should be over this by now - he doesn't know...he isn't a feeler and he hasn't been through this. The only time I feel something is when I'm doing something that my dad would've wanted me to do...like today, I picked up his car from my best friend who'd done a bunch of work on it...the car he bought 7 year ago, for me, because I wanted a civic, a 5 spd - my mother couldn't even drive it and when I lived with them, I never let my dad either. But now the car is mine and I can't bear to part with it, he taught me how to drive it, he's in it...I've felt my dad twice now....I know this sounds creepy....I was watching P.S. I love you, not a good movie for someone who's lost someone close to them, but I'd seen it before so I knew what was coming, and in a really sad part, I felt my dad's hands around my heart, squeezing, not painful, just an "I'm here" - I could feel his fingers, ones that we'd commented on how they didn't look like his as he was passing....and I felt him last week, when I had a doctors appointment at the hospital where he died. This time it was more gentle, he'd probably heard me tell my mom that he's scared me....I miss him and I don't have any idea how to fix myself. I think myself and everyone else thinks I know how to handle this because I'm a social worker and I have tried to be introspective and cope....but this is heart-breaking...





And when I think things can't get worse, they inevitably do. I have a 12 year old orange cat. He is on insulin as he is diabetic. But, he is the sweetest cat in the world. The whole time I was going through the stuff with my dad, he was with me. Anytime I needed to just reach out and touch something, he was there. When I was sad, he would meow, when I cried, he came and laid with me.....But I wasn't a good pet parent. I knew he had bad dental disease and I delayed having it taken care of. Two weeks after my dad passed, the cat had mouth surgery. He now has two teeth, the rest were too bad. I spend the first few days after his surgery terrified that I would lose him too....and when I thought we were in the clear, his eye started watering and weeping, he'd scratched his cornea, a week later, it wasn't better but worse. The poor cat was stuck wearing a cone for nearly two weeks. That was a week ago. He was doing great, no problems....on Sunday, he started bleeding from his ureter, he now has a UTI. Because he's diabetic, he probably has stones, which can block his bladder and kill him within hours if he can't pee. He seems fine, happy, purring, eating, drinking, peeing ( I've become obsessed, watching and listening to make sure it goes ok). He senses my unease because when I'm home, he's with me constantly....I realize that he too will not be with me long enough, all of his medical conditions will invariable shorten his life. But I am not ok with that...and I'm trying to be but I need him, he has been my rock, my quiet companion through this awful time in my life but he deserves a break, a chance to just be a normal cat...and I want a break...
I do not feel I am any more worthy than anyone else of a break, but I am breaking...I've been talking to my dad, to God and I don't even believe in organized religion, but I want someone to know I'm agonizing, and that I'm doing my best to continue...I'll end with a quote from my favorite movie A Walk to Rememer " I do not need a reason to be angry with God". I feel that sums up where I am. Thank you to anyone who read through this...

The Munchies

Help me!!! I've been attacked by the munchies!!! I have been insatiable....and I hate feeling hungry. I think it's related to a medication and I'm seeing the doctor on Friday but this is ridiculous. I just googled munchies and everything is related to marijuana....I am not smoking it....I just wish I could get rid of the hunger cravings. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to beat the munchies, other than locking myself away?

Hello All....I am still alive. My life continues to be rocky...but I refuse to sound like a downer...I am trying to be optimistic. I just earned a new badge. I'm down over 30 pounds....wish it were more but it is a start. I lost all my blogs on my blog roll and I'd like to build it back up. If you'd like to be added, please leave a comment!!

100th Post!

I purposely haven't blogged in awhile because I knew this would be my 100th post. I wanted it to be quirky and smart, something to recapture anyone who's continued to read this for the past year....and I found my motivation waning....and couldn't think of anything that would leave a mark.
And then my life suddenly came to a screeching halt. My father died 6 days ago. He was only 65. He had been living with a terminal illness but was doing well.....he had his first hospitalization over New Years and spent the following three weeks feeling great! And then two weeks ago, he asked me to bring him back to the hospital because his leg was swollen and he had a fever. That whole day, everyone asked him how he felt and he kept saying he felt fine...a few days later....he's gone. It's been an awful week....and now that the dust's settled, life needs to restart. And I don't feel ready for that. In fact, I don't feel anything like I used to anymore...
The day before he got sick again I weight 256...up two pounds from the start of the year. The day after he died, I was down to 242....today I'm at 250....I want to get healthy for my dad....he would've wanted me to be happy and healthy....he wouldn't want my weight to hold me back from anything....so starting tomorrow....I am going to work on myself for myself, in honor of my father. And I am honored that my father could be a part of my 100th post!

New Years, New Me!

Almost at 100 posts!!! I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've caught up. Let me give you the low-down on my life!

Last year, I started the year at 273. I finished the year at 254. I lost 18.5 pounds and 9 inches....I haven't been very gung-ho this year, but I'm working on it! I'm doing the same stuff I was doing last year so hopefully it continues to be successful.

My dad was very ill (as in, I thought we were going to lose him). He's doing much better now, he's home and happy, most of the time. I got my weight down to 251, but not the healthy way... And on the same day, my husband's best friend had a baby 9 weeks early. Baby is doing great, even though he's a peanut!

I have been going to the gym and eating healthy.

I re-did my blog and lost my widgets. I saved my old code, so I could put them back in, but I just can't seem to figure it out. Would someone please help me! Leave a comment and I'll send you my current code and my old code...The thing I miss the most if my old blog list....I haven't done very well keeping up.

My resolution for this year, is to knock off another 20 pounds, keep going to the gym and participate more in blogville!