Friday, November 27, 2009

Self-reflection

I hate myself.

I know those are really harsh words and if I hate myself, no one else will like me, but it's truly how I feel.

There are several things lately that have sparked this realization. The first being my cat. I know, I know, enough about the cat...but I can't. I am so totally in love with my cat and am now trying to work through the grieving process. Today is a bad day for him, for us...he hadn't had a seizure since Sunday morning...I knew it was bound to happen....I was brushing him, boom...seizure....I think he was ok at night....I went to bed at 8, stayed up until midnight and then finally conked out....This morning though, he kept coming to lay with me, stand up and have a seizure, walk to the end of the bed, sit for a minute, come back, repeat....he's fallen a few times today too....He just stands up, then tips....but he doesn't seem in pain, he's still eating and drinking and purring when he's not caught in the midst of something else...I just don't know what to do....and I am not one for regrets so I need to be 100% on my decision. I hate myself for letting this rule my life, for being so emotional. And I hate that I really have no support. My birthday was Tuesday and thanks to the modern world of facebook, lots of people knew it was my birthday....about 40-50 people wished me happy birthday...but really only 5 or so were my true friends and 5 were family...sad that when I take stock of the people in my life, there aren't many. I have felt so alone this year...At my dad's funeral, hardly anyone came for me and still nearly a year later, no one asks about me, they always ask about my mom....I hate myself for not having a good network.

Lately, everyone's been sharing their opinion of me....and it hasn't been nice. I am loud, bossy, pushy, over the line...I'm just not a very good person I guess....but I feel that very few people invest the minutes it takes to really see through me....To see that I really hate myself, have zero self esteem, that I'm lonely and unsure of myself....that my exterior really doesn't match my interior...I am loyal, and passionate, and altruistic, I'm sweet and super sensitive....no one cares. Every day, someone tells me they don't like how I was during a meeting, that when asked about something I feel I have a good handle on, I'm a know-it-all....people asked me to help with insurance stuff, my boss tells me I shouldn't, even though she invited a colleauge of mine to help others....no one ever says thanks, or wow, you really know your stuff...or I couldn't have done it without you....I need validation...and not of all of the wonderful things I'm not...believe me, I'm my own worst critic....I know where I fall short....

And finally, on Tuesday, I had a sort of heart to heart with my trainer....he's a no-nonsense kinds of guy...he just lobs it out there....I really appreciate it but still it hurt....I hate myself so much that I put myself last, or not at all. I hate the way I look, I hate that I'm obese, that my face is round, that I have bad skin, that suddenly I have more zits than a 13 year old boy....I hate that I have a muffin top...and that all of my clothes make me look pregnant. I hate that my husband thinks I'm ugly and he's no longer attracted to me...so my trainer pointed out that I've been miserable at my job, miserable because of my cat, miserable with my life....but I still feel powerless to do anything...a huge part of me just wants to pack up and run...really, I'd love to move back to Philly and start fresh there...something about Philly is soothing to me...maybe because I really grew up there, I don't know...a part of me feels like once my cat is gone it will be like an albatross has been removed and I can start over... I just don't know what to do...

I wish I could speak less
I wish I could eat less
I wish I could motivate myself to take care of me
I wish my husband would love me
I wish I could love me
I wish anyone else would love me


I am sorry.

5 comments:

Felicia said...

*SUPER BIG HUGS* I have no magical words of wisdom other than I am thinking of you and that you will work through this. Ok and those aren't even that magical. You made your wish list now full fill it!

Move some place with Verizon *grin* then you could text me your sorrows ( ok so its my newest addiction HAHAHA )

Chin up butter cup! As crappy as you see it, its always fixable!

Here for you!
*huggles*
=0)

SeaShore said...

Some of the things on your wish list are within your control. Decide if you truly want them, and then just do it.

I am sorry about your kitty. It is such a tough decision. You need to do what's best for you & the cat.

Take care.

Mrs. Hanson said...

HI! Thanks for stopping in to my blog! It looks like you've got a lot that you're dealing with on your journey. I often have the same thoughts as you when it comes to friends and family. Perhaps I have isolated myself, I don't know... but, it's not easy to deal with!

I'm sorry to read about your cat. :( I have never been one to be attached to animals, but I understand that those who are, really are, and it's never easy to see them going through stuff like that. Remember, this is your blog, and you place to write what you're going through, and if it's your cat that you need to write about, then those that love you and care will not mind reading about him!

Take care!!
Jennifer

Twix said...

Sorry about your kitty. :(

I hear you about the hubs. And how you feel about you.

I echo that last bit, all 7 lines.

We have to be our own warriors. We have to fight for us. Somehow, but WE MUST.

(((((hugs))))))

MaryFran said...

Oh girl, I'm so sorry that I haven't been online to read your blog. I read your post and my heart broke. I read your post and I was just nodding my head going, yes, yes yes....that's me. EVERYTHING.

I don't claim to have the answers, because I really do not and I'm struggling just like you. But recently I came to understand that my happiness has to start within me. It's not easy when life seems to be falling in around me. But I am trying to stop and and do something for me...something that makes me happy...taking care of myself. I don't think it's going to be an overnight fix, but I'm hopeful that within time, I'll learn to love myself again.

Just remember, you ARE worth it!