Doom and gloom

It's raining right now, and dark. I just turned on the heat, and we're half way through May. I'm not sure if I'm cold because it's cold in here (it's 68 degrees) or because I'm not in a good place. Things continue to be difficult. Most days are OK, today is not a good one. It's only been 3 and a half months since I lost my dad and I find that right now, each day becomes more difficult. I miss him more, not less and now all I see is the things I'm missing out on....like I don't get to celebrate Father's Day anymore...though I know I will always celebrate him. Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut. The last time I got my hair cut, it was three days before he died...and while I sat there, I knew that I was getting my hair done for my father's funeral. Things with the cat have also been a challenge. I know he's fine, in fact, he done better than most cats. He'll be 13 in August and he's been on insulin for almost 3 years now. But every day, I'm terrified to come home because I'm afraid he'll be dead or something else bad will have happened...I watch his every move, analyze everything...stupid things, not stupid things. The other day, our two cats were fighting while I was at work (my husband was home so he told me about it) and before bed I went to fill their food dish and there was blood all over it. I thought it was from my cat's mouth since he had all his teeth out....later on I discovered that my kitty's nose had been scratched and the blood was from him rubbing his nose trying to pick up food....but things like that make me a mess....I come home and force myself to go to bed early, sleep is the only reprieve I get. It's my defense mechanism.....I'm just tired of feeling crappy....and I know it takes time....but I am so sad and depressed and it's hard to be motivated for anything....so thanks for bearing with me....