Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brutal Honesty

I warn all who are thinking about reading this post, that it's going to be depressing, sad, upsetting....but I'm not in a good place, and I'm physically all alone right now and I need to share...


I feel empty right now, all the time, to the core. I always knew that I wouldn't have my dad nearly long enough. I knew it as a small child, because my parents were older than everyone else's, I knew it when my dad got diagnosed with COPD, and then got worse and I knew it 5 days before my dad died....But I thought I'd come to terms with it, as well as one could facing this inevitability. But it didn't happen the way I planned it. I walked into his room the day he died, broke down and just said enough...my mom and I looked at each other and within minutes, he was gone. My life has all but stopped. Support from those closest to me is all but stopped. Everyone asks how my mom is doing, no one asks about me. Probably because I'm too honest. No one really wants to know the truth. I feel nothing...but pain, and sorrow and despair. I have no desire to do anything, work, live, anything...my husband let it slide, but he thinks I should be over this by now - he doesn't know...he isn't a feeler and he hasn't been through this. The only time I feel something is when I'm doing something that my dad would've wanted me to do...like today, I picked up his car from my best friend who'd done a bunch of work on it...the car he bought 7 year ago, for me, because I wanted a civic, a 5 spd - my mother couldn't even drive it and when I lived with them, I never let my dad either. But now the car is mine and I can't bear to part with it, he taught me how to drive it, he's in it...I've felt my dad twice now....I know this sounds creepy....I was watching P.S. I love you, not a good movie for someone who's lost someone close to them, but I'd seen it before so I knew what was coming, and in a really sad part, I felt my dad's hands around my heart, squeezing, not painful, just an "I'm here" - I could feel his fingers, ones that we'd commented on how they didn't look like his as he was passing....and I felt him last week, when I had a doctors appointment at the hospital where he died. This time it was more gentle, he'd probably heard me tell my mom that he's scared me....I miss him and I don't have any idea how to fix myself. I think myself and everyone else thinks I know how to handle this because I'm a social worker and I have tried to be introspective and cope....but this is heart-breaking...





And when I think things can't get worse, they inevitably do. I have a 12 year old orange cat. He is on insulin as he is diabetic. But, he is the sweetest cat in the world. The whole time I was going through the stuff with my dad, he was with me. Anytime I needed to just reach out and touch something, he was there. When I was sad, he would meow, when I cried, he came and laid with me.....But I wasn't a good pet parent. I knew he had bad dental disease and I delayed having it taken care of. Two weeks after my dad passed, the cat had mouth surgery. He now has two teeth, the rest were too bad. I spend the first few days after his surgery terrified that I would lose him too....and when I thought we were in the clear, his eye started watering and weeping, he'd scratched his cornea, a week later, it wasn't better but worse. The poor cat was stuck wearing a cone for nearly two weeks. That was a week ago. He was doing great, no problems....on Sunday, he started bleeding from his ureter, he now has a UTI. Because he's diabetic, he probably has stones, which can block his bladder and kill him within hours if he can't pee. He seems fine, happy, purring, eating, drinking, peeing ( I've become obsessed, watching and listening to make sure it goes ok). He senses my unease because when I'm home, he's with me constantly....I realize that he too will not be with me long enough, all of his medical conditions will invariable shorten his life. But I am not ok with that...and I'm trying to be but I need him, he has been my rock, my quiet companion through this awful time in my life but he deserves a break, a chance to just be a normal cat...and I want a break...
I do not feel I am any more worthy than anyone else of a break, but I am breaking...I've been talking to my dad, to God and I don't even believe in organized religion, but I want someone to know I'm agonizing, and that I'm doing my best to continue...I'll end with a quote from my favorite movie A Walk to Rememer " I do not need a reason to be angry with God". I feel that sums up where I am. Thank you to anyone who read through this...

6 comments:

SeaShore said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. People who have not been through what you have have no idea. It might help you if you could find a survivors or grief group where you could talk about your feelings with people who have also lost loved ones. Start by asking your doctor, or calling a local mental health clinic. Maybe you've heard of something through your line of work?

It's going to be a long, rough haul for you, and you need support. Can you talk to your mom? If not about how devastated you both feel, then at least to share memories of your dad?

You have my sincerest sympathies. My late common-law husband had COPD.

I hope your kitty gets better. I do understand that. Years ago, my sister passed away, and it felt like the only creature in the world that kept me grounded was my cat, Cuddles. She was like the tenuous thread that connected me to the sane world. Two months after my sister died, Cuddles died. No one understood how I could mourn a cat while I was mourning a sister. I think you can feel how I felt.

Death sucks. It just sucks. The passing of a loved one is the worst feeling in the world.

I hope you can find the solace you so desperately need.

Take care.

Felicia said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough road right now. I wish I had some great words of comfort that would make things all better. You will make it through this though and will see a bright side again.

Hang in there and be sure to take care of yourself ok!!

Thinking of you!
*huggles*
=0)

Cammy said...

I'm so sorry for your struggles just now...

Losing someone you love so much isn't something you ever 'get over'. You CAN get through it, but never over it. A good step is to let your feelings out, just as you did here.

Personally, I think it's great to do some of the things you think your father would enjoy knowing you do. By my beliefs he is whole and healthy again, not struggling to breathe, and he is smiling with every day you make it through.

~**Dawn**~ said...

I'm very sorry you're having such a tough time. Grief is a unique experience for each person & in each instance, and while there's no right or wrong way to do it, sometimes we need some guidance. If you had a church, I would suggest seeking out the pastor for some guidance, but there are all kinds of groups you can join or counselors you can turn to, as I'm sure you know. It can be difficult to make that first step, but you know that your dad would want you to take care of *you*. It's never about "getting over it" but rather working through the whole process. I hope that you find some peace & comfort, where ever and how ever you go about it.

ericadanya said...

I haven't read your blog in a while...as usual I am here if you want to talk...I do believe your Dad is here, just in a very, very different form that those of us left behind cannot possibly begin to understand. What a powerful and positive influence he still continues to have on you Especially as reflected in your determinism for your weight loss. I feel you there in that struggle girl. 35 so far is so amazing. I am still at the same old weight (eating better, no exercise!)...thinknig of you and sending big hugs ((((((())))))))

Wei Sic Meow said...

Oh hon, I'm so sorry for your loss. Let yourself feel it, there is no right or wrong way to handle this other than how you are. I lost my mother almost 3 years ago and there isn't a single day I don't think about her and miss her, but it has got easier. I too believe our parents never really leave us. I feel my mother sometimes beside me, guiding and comforting me when I need it and the emptiness no longer feels as painful as it did at first. Listen for your dad's voice, feel his love, remember the good times, don't fight your feelings, and also lean on people for support, there is no shame in that. Hang in there. It's a rollercoaster of a ride but you will get through it.

*hugs*