Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Over the top and struggling to normalize

I'm having a hard usual....with my cat. I love my cat, more than anything, and probably a little bit unhealthily....but I am a true animal lover....but every day, I'm afraid to come home, to check his blood sugar, to see if he went to the bathroom. I am obsessed with his every move...And it's killing me. It leaves me so uneasy. He just went to the bathroom and got a bit on him so I wiped it off....there was a tiny bit of blood, prolly because the food I gave him for the last two days had too much fiber in it....shouldn't be a big deal, but I immediately got nauseous. I come home and randomly check his blood sugar, twice last week it was low...and I couldn't eat....I was never like this before, but since my dad, I've become fixated on my cat....and I don't know how to fix it....he's not fine and he'll never be fine and he doesn't seem to mind all of my attention but I'm tired of how it makes me feel....and I'm tired of anticipating losing him....I wish I could say it's helping me not to eat, but it's not, anymore....when I hit my low weight, it was because I was throwing up non-stop and going to the bathroom from nerves....I just feel like this year has been a non-stop nightmare....and I want it to settle down....I'm sorry that this blog is so scattered....I hope one day I'll be able to look back at it as it's serving as a journal and see some hope, some positives, but most days, I'm not there!


Felicia said...


I have no great advice. You have already said that you recognize that your behavior is not healthy so that leaves me with sending you "Dont worry be happy" hugs and vibes.

Have you thought of maybe finding someone professionally to help you work through the feelings you have about losing your Dad? I am a bit scared for you for when the time does come with your cat.

I know how you feel about the blood levels and the fears as I go through that with Bear but I have also managed to get myself to a place that I know he is living the best life I can give him and when its time its time.

I wish I had something to say that would make it all just be better. But know I am thinking of you ok!!

Chin up!!

*BIG long distance HUGGLES*

SeaShore said...

I'm sorry your cat is unwell and that it is causing you so much stress.

Looking into grief counselling might help.

Take care.