I wish I was dead...

Pissed

I'm angry today....and I need it to be ok that I'm voicing this. I was pretty good all wekk, wearing the fitbit, working out 4 days and tracking everything I ate, including the not so good stuff...and I had a pretty good week....and today the scale gifted me with a 3 pound gain. I didn't eat nearly enough extra to merit that....and I'm frustrated because it seems like I'm treading water or standing still. I know the fact that I ate salty stuff yesterday impacted that and I know that my missing periods affect that....but something's got to give~~!

Sad realities

My 30 year old brain and my 50 year old body appear to at odds with each other. I used to think that people who were so heavy that a short walk was an immense undertaking were embarrassing and so beyond me and the truth is, I am one of those people. I've been trying to run and increase the intensity to my workouts, because mentally, I feel like I can do it. But the first time I tried to d the c25k, my ankles hurt so bad I thought I'd die. When did I become like this? This past week was a good week, I made it to the gym twice and I went for walk/runs outside twice. I ate good mst of the week and tracked everything with my fitbit and lose it. But I Wei myself daily and my numbers all over the place....and not decreasing...what gives? This is what makes this journey so hard. And each time I'm re-losing the weight, it frustrates me more

Lazier than I thought

So...I finally bought a Fitbit - you can check them out here www.fitbit.com - it's this little clip thing that works as a pedometer, calorie counter, stair climbing counter and sleep monitor. For the longest time I've had the sneaking suspicion that I don't burn nearly as many calories as I think I do or as the weight loss programs I use guestimate so I decided to buy this little critter to really see. I wore it to bed last night for the first time and it was neat to see that I fell asleep within seven minutes and woke up 6 times - nearly every hour on the hour...but when I wore it today, it only claculated 4759 steps....only half of the 10,000 everyone should get...and I thought I was pretty mobile today...tomorrow I'm stuck in a meeting for a lot of the day but I'm planning on going to the gym so it will be interested to see what this thing says. It also figures out periods of activity and tells me if it's moderate or intense- there's 4 levels...wearing this thing is pushing me to move more...makes me want to hit goals...there are badges....I'm so competitve...I just don't want to be this girl anymore!

Not worth it

I keep feeling like I'm so not worth this effort...I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale - down to 251...over two pounds in 2 days....and I know it's water weight and I'm just so frustrated that I keep losing the same weight over and over again...how counter productive am I....If I added up all the weight I've lost to one mass weight loss....I'd weight 150 and be gorgeous...I did great all day...ate small meals...and then instead of going to the gym, I went to the chiropracter to help with my sciatica....and grocery shopping and to the buffet and ate tons of pretzels I made with a friend...probably 1200 calories....maybe not over for the day, but definately not smart choices....tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will tell myself I'm worth it...tomorrow I have a lunch buffet...I will blow it...I am powerless to change my life yet I'm in control of my choices...life is a struggle!

Disappointment

Today was my first real day back in the drivers seat....I planned most of my meals, drank lots of water, planned my activities...weighed in 253.4. I've gained over 10 pounds since I started taking better care of myself. But I was on the right track. I had a particularly stressful day....I have something to do tomorrow that I can't talk about but totally can change my life and not in a good way. I ate well today though! And on the way home, I kept thinking about stopping at McDonald's to soothe myself with french fries....and I thought to myself "food isn't happiness, food is fuel" and kept thinking that those fries wouldn't help me shed anything and I'd continue to be unhappy in this body...I was proud of myself for making it home without stopping. I cooked some turkey sausage, rice and pumpkin and had that for dinner, accounting for everything...I had lots of calories to spare...and then I ate 10 Townhouse crackers, one large piece of cake minus the frosting and an entire small package of Sour Patch Kids....so I wasted Day 1....that's the story of my life...I can count today as a loss or I can count this whole effort as a loss and never try again. I'll weigh in again tomorrow and the day after and face each day as it comes!~

Welcome to 30!

I just celebrated my 30th birthday... it's weird to think that's I've been alive that long! I realize now that I wasted my 20's on being fat.....I didn't let it hold me back because I'm not like that....but I spent a lot of time hating myself and wasting time and money on things....my husband threw me a surprise birthday party and I almost missed out on it because I felt uncomfortable in my body....I feel like there are fewer things that I want to do because I feel uncomfortable...I hate pictures, I hate social events...there's so much more that I want....and it's time to suck it up and do it....so here's what I want in my 30th year:
- to lose 50 lbs
- to stop wasting time adjusting clothing that doesn't fit
- to participate in life and not stop doing things because of my size or appearance
- get pregnant
- shock Karen by how much I've changed since she saw me
- shock everyone by my different body
- get laser hair removal
- wear a bathing suit and impress someone
- get compliments
- spend time on my appearance
- help my husband be healthy
- finish this house
- LOVE myself!!

I'll be blogging more - I need to! I need to be ok with failures but never give up on effort...I need to follow my allergy free lifestyle and go to the gym....I need to be a priority...for once.

Long time no see

I am so sorry I've been absent....I should be writing this blog for me, but I find greater success in knowing that someone else out there is reading it, and nodding and connecting to what I'm saying....that being said...is there anyone reading? A lot has happened....as with life, it always does....I stopped losing weight in the beginning of September...I also stopped following my allergen free diet....lots of eating out...I've felt lousy but I have no one to blame but myself. I keep saying that I'm going to go back to the right way for me to eat....I haven't been able to get back into it yet...but it's my plan. We lost our Tigger back at the end of August - it was a crushing blow but thankfully our kitten has filled the void. We got another kitten last night...it's an itty bitty kitty convention!! I'll try to be more present....please say hi!

Nothing fits

I never in a million years thought I'd be suddenly successful at losing weight. All of my previous attempts ended in 10 pound loses and ultimate failures....add in food allergies and I'm 20 pounds down. All of my clothes before the weight loss were starting to get tight, or were just right...I'd spent the last year or so beefing up my waredrobe for my current size....I figured that losing weight would make my clothes look and fit better....they don't. Everything is all stretched out or hits me wrong now. The saddest part now is that when I look at myself, instead of seeing all the good, I see how much more I have to go...I am planning on going to AZ in January to visit a friend and I'm hoping to really surprise her with my changes...she knew me when I was skinny and while I'm not aiming to be skinny again, I'm not longer headed for 300lbs....I hope I can keep this up!

Not Dead!

Well, the good new is I'm not dead...but that's also the bad news. I've been missing for awhile...obviously....somewhere in May I decided to join the gym, started changing my eating habits and decided to go back to Sensa....didn't make much progress, suffered and incomplete pregnancy and welcomed myself to the wonderful world of depression...while I was down in the depths, I had a conversation with a "friend" that was so painful that I decided to cut off contact with most...but I pulled myself together and my husband and I got a ton of work done on the house so we could host a 4th of July party - which went great!! I just got back from vacation - went to Kentucky for a Nascar race...but discovered on the day I left that I have significant food allergies...as in everything!! My diet has changed DRAMATICALLY~~ And as a result, I've lost 6.6 pounds in a week. I've been using Loseit which is an Ipod app for tracking calories and exercise....and it's been posting my results on facebook...not cool...but I've gotten lots of support and it's weird to see it that way...I rode my bike for 17 miles today which is apparently good for 1000 calories....so I'm hanging in there and if nothing else, these allergies will help me to be healthy again!

Weigh in

I lost two pounds this week - wooohooo!! But have you ever had one of those weeks where you felt like you lost more? A few days ago I weighed less than I did today. I've also noticed that when I work out like crazy and I'm sore, my weight goes up. I will just have to hope as the soreness fades, the scales reflect the true effort I've been making!! I feel like I've got it!!

The Current plan!

So on Tuesday I started the Sensa 10 day kick start and my official 6 month quest into the wonderful world of Sensa. I have to say that the meals have been delicious!!! I have been really surprised! And I'm not hungry...except when I come home...I've been snacking...and rationalizing it by saying that I'm only eating 1500 calories a day which is not enough...or I say I went to the gym today....either way, I feel in control and in charge of this...I'm going to the gym 4 days this week and doing yard work this weekend if it stops raining. I'm conscientiously trying to make the right decisions. I want this...I need this!

Joined the gym today - Planet Fitness. For $20 a month, I can use any PF in the country, unlimited tanning (I know, bad), unlimited massage chair, I can bring a friend to my "home center" and 1/2 off the drinks....I have tons of friends all over the state who have memberships and people who want to go with me...I am on board!! I have a 10 day Sensa starter kit, 6 months of Sensa and a desire to change my life....I just need to get through 6 more days of prednisone and start....I hate my life...and I am in control of my life...here's to me!!

Return of the MOJO~

I feel like I'm finally getting my groove on!!! I went to PT at 6AM 3 days this week - and it was good!! I woke up early every day and didn't feel any more exhausted than normal. I forced myself to go to bed early. I spent a lot of time this week helping a friend edit her thesis...I'm proud of her - she did a great job!! Despite today being Easter ( Happy Easter), we made it to Lowes and bought a rake and I spent 2 hours outside raking...cleaned out my tulips and one bed of bushes and cleaned up the back of the house...what a mess!! I even found two men's sneakers and one little girl's shoe...then I moved into the house and emptied 3 boxes which meant reorganizing every cabinet....I am so exhausted...but then I made and ate dinner, made lunch for my husband and I and put away some laundry.....the husband has done some stuff on the house too...we're finally both working on it! I bought some more Sensa stuff....a carrying container, some chews and a 10 day jump start...May 1st - here I come!!! The lawn mower and the bike both made it to the shop for their tune ups so I should be mowing and riding soon...and gyming it....here's hoping this mojo continues!!

Lost MOJO

Somewhere along the way, in all of my planning and preparing, I had a failure to launch moment....as in I never did anything. I've lacked motivation on all fronts. Today I"ve been somewhat productive. I got up and made breakfast and lunch, took a shower, made it to Target for some storage bins and went through some boxes. There's now a pile of things that need to go up in the attic for storage and a very long list of very short projects that I'd love my spouse to get done! Things like hang my bulletin and cork boards, put up the curtains, finish painting the dining room....and we should be getting a dumpster soon with the neighbor so that will erradicate so much clutter in our house and yard. I've been trying to bag up garbage so there's less stuff but it also feels like I've been buying a lot of stuff and I still haven't unpacked most of my belongings. I'm hoping to finish organizing the office and closet so there's nothing in the office but the original 3 peices of furniture....if I get that done, my dresser can temporarily make it in here and I can unpack more of my clothes....I also bought totes to start organizing my health a beauty products....I just want this mess done! Starting tomorrow, I'm going to PT at 6am because I'm tired of racing to make it there after work and not getting home until 7 or 8. I've also layed low with the social obligations. I'm feeling rather burned out for the same reason. If I can sustain getting up that early, I'd like to try going to the gym early too. May, I've decided is Sensa month so hopefully between going to the gym in the AM and the Sensa, I can get back on track. No gains but definately no losses!!

Things have been a bit different since starting the fruit and vegetable challenge at work. And in a good a way...My goal is to try and eat 9 servings of fruits and veggies so I'm eating so much more than usual....which makes me feel like a fat ass until I really think about the calorie content..here's what I ate today - does this sound crazy or actually healthy? Breakfast: 2 clementines 1-6oz fat free strawberry yogurt 1 pkg of instant oatmeal with fiber Lunch: 3 cups salad with peppers, cukes, onion, celery, carrots, ff feta, ff croutons, 1 piece deli ham, craisins and low fat raspberry dressing 2 mini bagels with 2 tbsp whipped cream cheese 1-100 calorie pkg of almonds Dinner: 1 cup onions and pepper strips 1 cup brown rice 2 breaded chicken strips - cooked in stir fry Snack: 1 cup potato chips I know the potato chips are bad...but it was the last of the bag. I don't know. The thing that's sticking with me from my current diet book reading is getting rid of High Fructose Corn Syrup. By no means a novel idea and it's something that lots of diets recommend but suddenly it's become important to me. Obviously the easiest way to get rid of HFCS is by eating more fresh stuff which is what this challenge is pushing me to do...I'm hoping in the process I'll lose weight too...

Today is one of my great friend's Tracy's birthday so I made her dinner. Almost everything is healthy except the potatoes and crescent rolls....the salad is a capri salad - lettuce, carrots, celery, peppers, cucumber, onion, fat free feta, fat free croutons and light raspberry vinegrette. There's also about 3 oz of bonesless skinless chicken breast and sauteed green beans. There's no comment on the crescent rolls but I made the potatoes with 1% milk and low fat butter. And I got in more than 9 servings of fruits and vegetables for my contest. Weight was at 255...what a surprise!

I didn't get selected for Win, Lose or Blog....booo.....but I fully intend to support those who did and will definately apply next time....

T-24 hours

Starting tomorrow, I start another attempt at changing my life, at putting me first, and doing something to keep me alive. I still don't know if I'm picked for Win, Lose or Blog - but I continue to hold out hope. My Colorful Choices challenge starts tomorrow - for those who don't know what it is - my work is sponsoring a challenge where you eat and log as many fruits and veggies as possible for about 6 weeks...I'm using that as a motivator to swap out carbs...I also decided that I'm going to challenge myself to something else. As anyone who's chronically dieted, I have amassed a huge collection of diet books. I secretly think each one is going to teach me something new or be the cure...the same thing I've done with each new diet product. So I'm challenging myself to finally read these books - write a review and maybe even try the techniques the following month. The first book I'm starting with is "The Eat this, not that NO diet diet". I also have 6 months of Sensa which I did well with when I tried it for 2 weeks...I think after this month, I'll go back and really commit to the 6 months....I don't know why I've allowed myself to continue to live like this, especially because it makes me miserable. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Amping myself up

Signing up for Colorful Choice contest at work: check
Lining up trainer to assist with exercise: check
Making plans with a walking buddy: Check
Hearing back from Win, Lose or Blog: still waiting

My current plan is to jump into the weight loss thing 100% on March 28th...one more week...I am maintaining a weight of 255 right now...and I'm ok with that...but I'd love to lose at least 50 lbs by the time I do my bike ride - That's 6 months from now and while I realize it's a stretch, it's still do-able and even if I fall short and only lose 30lbs...I'd be satisfied....I'm watching all these people around me have success and it's time I do the same...

Life is not a spectator sport!

And I need to make physical changes....especially since I have lots of other plans that involve my size....so here's to hoping I get selected for Win, Lose, Or Blog and I can rock and roll this spring/summer!

We went and did our taxes today - what a bummer! We thought buying the house would help us out when we did our taxes because we've had to pay most years and pay alot...we still do...so I'm bummed. And yesterdays weigh in wasn't sparkling...today was an ok eating day but I'm still awake and I'll prolly dig into my girl scout cookies...did you know those are tax deductible and are considered a charitable donation? I applied for Win, Lose or Blog...and I'm really hoping that I get selected...I've already thought of good stuff I'd write and how I'm going to lose the weight and I'm trying to get my CrossFit buddy to train me for this...I'm hanging in there though...just waiting for the next round of motivation to hit~

Being the Example

I don't generally think of myself as someone anyone would aspire to be like or think that anyone would think of me as a role model...but the reality is - I am...and I haven't been setting a good example. I coach gymnastics - I work with about 25 girls - most of whom like me and look up to me. And lately I've been looking back at old pictures from when I started working with them and more recent pictures and realize I look like crap. I coach in a sport where body image is everything...and I'm giving off the wrong image. I want the girls to be proud of their coach, not embarrased by how big their coach...so I am motivated, for my girls....

Welcome Back

To the real world that is - went to the doctor on Monday for my 6 week follow-up. He is happy with the way things have progressed and I'm cleared to return to work - with the sling, for four more weeks...but I can go slingless at home and when I drive and NO MORE WEDGE. But...I can't drive my car because it's stick...so I've had to trade cars with people - I miss my car =(. Yesterday I went to work...it's been exhausting...too much social interaction...I know - I'm a social worker...but to go from nothing to 100 people in one day...phew - I'm pooped. But I've made real efforts to look nice and bring food...I weighed in today 255 on the nose...I've been teeter tottering back and forth with this weight for a few weeks...but I feel a breakthrough. I did a ton of grocery shopping so I have great food in the house and my period is coming more and more regularly...so I think once that passes (showed up for my first day back at work) I will have a true loss. I just want to hit the 240's...it's been almost 2 years...I don't care how long it takes, or how many pounds come and go as long as they keep going and I keep being focused...

Re-energized!

Weight looks like it's coming back down...and I am getting amped to get some of my freedom back starting on Monday!! I am plann ing on setting fitness goals like walking so many miles or riding so many miles on the bike...just to get some kind of daily activity in sounds heavenly right now!! And I want to be able to be a bit more productive with the house. I've already been putting away tons of stuff and selling things on ebay...it feels good to throw things out or find homes for things....I just hate living out of boxes! And cooking continues to bring me joy and it's been nice to be able to do some of that...I'm still slowly finding boxes that contain the contents of my kitchen...but it's nice to be unpacking things! Hopefully our bedroom will be done in the next month of so...it would be lovely to have all of upstairs done! I still need to go through all of my clothes - and start storing the winter stuff and pulling out the spring stuff...and selling the stuff that doesn't fit...it's all about downsizing! Even though we bought a house that had more room, I'm finding it far more satisfying to use things up and get rid of junk! So I'm looking forward to next week, when I am more able to come and go as I please and finally settle into a routine with my husband since we also finally live under the same roof!

Up two pounds this week - again not surprised....part of my desire to drop this weight is so that I am healthy enough to get pregnant....I have PCOS and I am trying to figure out how I work...so I think TOM is approaching...I know TMI...I am starting to get a bit stir crazy at home...I'm running out of projects to do...days that I have obligations, I wish I had no plans and days I have no plans, I want someone to come rescue me. Once I am cleared to drive, I am returning to the gym even if I do nothing more than walk or play on the stationary bike....I am ready to resume normal life, life living with my husband...and I'm ready to fill my life with healthy happy activities for me...HELLO ROUTINE!

Taking Stock

All of this drama circling around me has me re-evaluating the things in my life...the things I do...the "friend" who started all the drama about my bike ride appears to be mad at me - that's what got me thinking...I don't work in a very nice place...I would like to change that...I realize that every workplace has it's drama...but I've never been as miserable. And I'm responsible for a lot of it...there are things at work that drive me crazy and usually when something bothers me...I go find someone to commiserate with me...which either starts people talking crap or gets me so fired up my day is shot...it's not worth it...my new plan is to go to work - be cordial, engaged...but closed...no more disclosing information about me, no more plans to hang out...but I also need to put myself first...a couple of people brought to my attention that signing up for the ride without asking/discussing was me going with my gut and putting me first and people were trying to make me feel bad= the truth - probably....but I tend to internalize everything, take everything personally, and apoligize....it's time to get over that....you don't like me, fine, you don't care about what happens to me, fine...but I'm not here to make it ok for you any more...so my new plan is to go to work, and leave and do things for me...like exercising...I always rush home to see my husband, to have dinner ready...what for? The spouse is not any happier to see me and I'm missing out on things that are good for me...I'm missing out on me..I just need to spend less time with others and more time with me..and finally...the issue of friends...yup...don't really have any...more like acquantances...so there are probably 5 people in my life I'm going to hang onto...the rest can carry on their lives without me....and I need to be ok with that...I don't need all that acceptance, I don't need the backstabbing...and if you really care about me, you'll make just as much effort to be a part of my life as I do...thank you very much!

I'm feeling better...writing all of that out was good for me...being home alone with my thoughts has been rather painful and cathartic...I don't really like myself all that much, and truthfully, no one really does. But I am committed to changing myself for the better. I am committed to losing this weight, I am committed to being more introspective. I am committed to doing the right thing. And I know there will be tough times and pitfalls...but I can get through them...and find people who like me for me...this week I am down to 254.2 - I only have 4.2 to go and 2.5 weeks - totally attainable....and since I've committed to this ride...I must commit to myself...let this be the last time I've said I'm going to do it...just do it!

I am an insensitive loser...

Life lately has been another exercise in lets all gang up and remind Megan of all of the ways she truly fails as a human being...I feel so lost and don't know where to go with all of this information. I wish I could start from scratch....be a different person....but I can't....lets start with the facts....
My husband doesn't really like me...he's referred to me as a child who always has to get her way, who yells too much, who bullies others...we're more like roommates than life partners. This is painful.
My employer/co-workers....they regularly share that I'm crude and loud and insensitive to others with my huge open mouth insert foot complex. I've also been told I need to dress better and look better.
According to my husband - my mother thinks I'm mean and yell too much too.
Gymnastics - I work with someone who is determined to discredit me and make me look bad at every opportunity...I feel useless there as well...
I feel defeated and beaten down. I feel like I need a fresh start.....but all of these people in my life already have an opinion and image in their heads about me...I'm riding uphill, in a snow storm, stuck in 10th gear....
Today just broke me completely....I was talking with someone from work...who told me that she and several other co-workers wanted to do Tour DaVita (I already signed up with some prodding from friends) but that the boss would not approve all of us to ride...now I feel awful for potentially taking the opportunity away from others. I never asked about doing it, I just signed up. I hate feeling like this...I hate being like this...
The ultimate me would be nearly 100lb lighter, would wear make-up, would dress fashionably, would be passionate yet reserved. I vow to do as much as I can to change my personality and appearance but I tihnk there's probably a bit of depression underneath that makes me want to hide, sleep all day and not shower for weeks, because it's too much effort. I want people to understand me...I didn't sign up for the bike ride to exclude people, I signed up because I feel passionate about it...it's really my thing...I spent $1000's of dollars on equipment, I like riding and the event is always special for me...but I feel selfish now...and that clashes completely with me...I am so lost right now, spinning circles..
I guess all I'm asking for is love, patience and exceptance...and a possible donation for this bike ride - please support me...
https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_2469/index.html

And my weight today is 255.4...up .2 from last week. Ya know what though? I'm ok with that....I was a little surprised to see a 10 pound weight loss last week - thought it was a fluke, so this proves it was not. Last week I wasn't as good about my food choices as I could've been. I was excited because people were visiting me and taking me out for appointments so we ate out a bit and I did a lot of snacking....for the past 2 days I've been really good and I've been rewarded by slowly dropping weight....I have 5 pounds to lose is 4 weeks - I think I can do it!

Tour DaVita

It's become an annual tradition for me to participate in Tour DaVita - every year has been wonderful and a real challenge. This year it's in Connecticut and I have so many mixed feelings about it. I want to do it because it's local, because I enjoy cycling, because I can use my own bike, because I want to complete it 100% this year but I'm hesitant because I don't know if I can ride, especially with my shoulder, because I am making a wedding cake for a co-worker and the wedding is the first day and because it somehow doesn't feel as special since it's here because everyone local will be doing it and that takes away from me being unique...I'm guessing that I'll end up doing it....but so many mind games...stay tuned for tomorrow's weigh in!

Anniversary

Today is the second anniversary of losing my Dad - he's missed out on 2 years of my life. Some days it feels easier - this isn't one of them. My grandma's in the hospital today too - not good timing at all. Everything seems too similar to my dad. The only good news for today is my weigh in - 10 lbs. I'm not sure how much of it is legitimate but the number this morning was somewhat lower than pre-surgery weights - I'm at least hoping to keep this up!

Weighed in yesterday - scale said 265. Boooo =( I'm pretty sure that a lot of the weight is from the swelling in my shoulder and my apparatus. So I guess that means my weight will go down, in my favor too! I feel like all I've been doing is eating, but that's probably because I'm not doing much else. What I have been eating has been healthy - lots of fruits and veggies. Hopefully by next week, my weight will be going down!

Today is my last day before surgery - I don't even have a surgery time yet. And, we're supposed to have pretty yucky weather tomorrow. I don't want my surgery delayed though - the recovery is already long and my leave from work is already set up...grrr....I got good news and bad news at the dr thursday - good news - only have my arm immobilized for 6 weeks; bad news - has to be at a 15 degree angle for those 6 weeks, 24 hours a day....so I'm going to look dumb...I know, I know...what else is new =). I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and try to post it...I'm aiming for 15 pounds in thos 6 weeks - I know it's a huge number but I tend to lose fast the first week or 2 and I don't eat much when it's too much work - Hopefully I'll be able to continue to blog....it may be a bit before I'm typing but I'll keep visiting everyone!! See you soon!

Sometimes looking forward means looking back too!

I did one of these for 2009/2010 - I think it would be good to see what a difference a year makes!

1. Was 2010 good for you? It was a painful year emotionally, but a year I grew. And we bought a house so we're moving in the right direction!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Buying our first house
3. What was your worst moment of the year? The day I lost my beloved Pumpkin - July 13th =(
4. Where were you when 2010 began? At home watching movies with Tracy and Steve
5. Who were you with? Just me! My hubby came up to bed around 11:30
6. Where were you when 2010 ended? Passed out in bed!
7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2010? I did better this year than in years passed but gave up too quickly when other things happened.
8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2011? Take care of the things I've been neglecting, primarily myself, so I can move forward with my life.
9. Did you fall in love in 2010? Nope, I already have my love!
10. Did you make any new friends in 2010? I met some really neat new people but not necessarily became friends with them. I did get a bit closer to some people in my life so I guess you count those as new friends!
11. What was your favorite month of 2010? September.
12. Why this month? Tour DaVita!.
13. Did you travel outside of the US in 2010? No.
14. How many different places did you travel to in 2010? Washington, Maryland and Massachusetts.
15. Did you miss anybody in the past year? I miss my father every day.
16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2010? Love and other drugs.
17. What was your favorite song from 2010? Broken Wing.
18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2010? Two concerts.
19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2010? Aaron Lewis - saw him twice.
20. What was your favorite book in 2010? Dear John.
21. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets....
22. What was the biggest lie you told in 2010? I've had to change myself to be fake in a lot of situations - I'm not proud of that but it's definately important to take the high road sometimes. 23. Did you treat somebody badly in 2010? I should be kinder to my mother....
24. Did somebody treat you badly in 2010?Yes, but I don't want to talk about it.
25. What was your proudest moment of 2010? Riding more of Tour DaVita than I ever have!
26. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2010? I yelled out something to a friend in a store and I didn't think anyone else was around - I was wrong...
27. If you could go back to any moment of 2010 and change something, what would it be? I need to sharpen up my open mouth insert foot reflex - I tend to piss everyone off...and I always regret it ...
28. Where did you work in 2010? I work at DaVita.
29. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2010? The Secret Life of an American Teenager.
30. Favorite Band(s) of 2010? Shinedown, Nickelback
31. Favorite Food in 2010? We ate a lot of take out - it used to be my favorite!
32. Favorite Drink in 2010? Diet soda, which I know will kill me
33. Favorite Place in 2010? Washington State - it is so beautiful and so different from CT
34. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2010? Myself - and sometimes it's the hardest person to be around
35. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2010? Jon - my trainer....strange as it sounds, he reads me pretty easily and calls it like it is....no bullshit with him...and he pushes me to do for me and be a better person
36. Favorite trip in 2010? Washington
37. Favorite stores in 2010? Lane Bryant and the Kitchen Collection
38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2010? My cat and my house....
39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2010? Tour DaVita and buying a house
40. Funniest moment(s) in 2010? Hard to pick....

Motivation/Inspiration

I have to say, that it's been very liberating to not have a New Years Resolution - I am proud to say that I'm not lumped in with the 100's of people who just joined the gym, or bulked up on veggies....good for everyone who did though, I admire your commitment. I've been reading lots of blogs this week - I need to some new blog friends - and I see lots of people who are committing to change this year. I am too - just 18 days into the year....and I'm finding reading everyone's stuff to just help me to build excitement for my own quest. I'm not setting crazy goals, I'm not setting more than one - as it stands now - I want to lose 15lbs between my surgery and March 1st. I will do an official weigh in on Jan. 17th. I want my blog to be entertaining, motivating, a window into my little life - I want it to be positive and supportive and I want people to enjoy it, enjoy me...I'm really looking forward to beginning a relationship with myself, for myself - Please join me!

New Years 2011

I'm sure the world of blogging is gearing up for 2011 with promises to change.....I too, have made promises for this year, but unlike years past - mine don't start today. Obviously vowing to lose weight for the new year has not worked for me in the past, so I'd be rather foolish to think it would this year. 2011 looks very different for me...there are lots of things I want to accomplish and while 2010 wasn't the easiest year by far - I grew more in this past year than I had in many prior. I want to continue that...that one's easy. And I do want to lose weight for 2011...once and for all...but I'm not going to get swept up in the Resolutions. This year I have an impending surgery - January 18th to be exact. That is going to be the start for me. I'm calling this year the year of repair - time for me to get my shoulder fixed, to fix my weight - along with my weight comes my blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. I am using the next 17 days to plow through the home improvement and set up my life with my husband and really be ready to dedicate myself to well, myself =). I am hoping to be far more active with blogging than I have been in the past. We shall see - typing is going to be a challenge. Please leave comments if you stop by, it's been rather lonely here =) Happy New Year!