Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I am an insensitive loser...

Life lately has been another exercise in lets all gang up and remind Megan of all of the ways she truly fails as a human being...I feel so lost and don't know where to go with all of this information. I wish I could start from scratch....be a different person....but I can't....lets start with the facts....
My husband doesn't really like me...he's referred to me as a child who always has to get her way, who yells too much, who bullies others...we're more like roommates than life partners. This is painful.
My employer/co-workers....they regularly share that I'm crude and loud and insensitive to others with my huge open mouth insert foot complex. I've also been told I need to dress better and look better.
According to my husband - my mother thinks I'm mean and yell too much too.
Gymnastics - I work with someone who is determined to discredit me and make me look bad at every opportunity...I feel useless there as well...
I feel defeated and beaten down. I feel like I need a fresh start.....but all of these people in my life already have an opinion and image in their heads about me...I'm riding uphill, in a snow storm, stuck in 10th gear....
Today just broke me completely....I was talking with someone from work...who told me that she and several other co-workers wanted to do Tour DaVita (I already signed up with some prodding from friends) but that the boss would not approve all of us to ride...now I feel awful for potentially taking the opportunity away from others. I never asked about doing it, I just signed up. I hate feeling like this...I hate being like this...
The ultimate me would be nearly 100lb lighter, would wear make-up, would dress fashionably, would be passionate yet reserved. I vow to do as much as I can to change my personality and appearance but I tihnk there's probably a bit of depression underneath that makes me want to hide, sleep all day and not shower for weeks, because it's too much effort. I want people to understand me...I didn't sign up for the bike ride to exclude people, I signed up because I feel passionate about it...it's really my thing...I spent $1000's of dollars on equipment, I like riding and the event is always special for me...but I feel selfish now...and that clashes completely with me...I am so lost right now, spinning circles..
I guess all I'm asking for is love, patience and exceptance...and a possible donation for this bike ride - please support me...
https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_2469/index.html

1 comment:

MaryFran said...

Yay for signing up for the ride! Ignore others....do it for YOU!

Just read this post. My heart breaks for you......mainly because no one should be going through what you are going through. BUT because I'm going through some of the exact same things. I could have written your post. Work? Yeah,I have issues with my job. (mine is that my job is mindless, boring and a supervisor nitpicks me apart). Husband? Yeah, things are not so peachy there for me either. Friends? What friends?????

So yeah, I'm there with you! If you want someone to talk to, I don't know the answers, but I do know what you are feeling. Email me. the best email is mfcstotler @ yahoo.com