Taking Stock

All of this drama circling around me has me re-evaluating the things in my life...the things I do...the "friend" who started all the drama about my bike ride appears to be mad at me - that's what got me thinking...I don't work in a very nice place...I would like to change that...I realize that every workplace has it's drama...but I've never been as miserable. And I'm responsible for a lot of it...there are things at work that drive me crazy and usually when something bothers me...I go find someone to commiserate with me...which either starts people talking crap or gets me so fired up my day is shot...it's not worth it...my new plan is to go to work - be cordial, engaged...but closed...no more disclosing information about me, no more plans to hang out...but I also need to put myself first...a couple of people brought to my attention that signing up for the ride without asking/discussing was me going with my gut and putting me first and people were trying to make me feel bad= the truth - probably....but I tend to internalize everything, take everything personally, and apoligize....it's time to get over that....you don't like me, fine, you don't care about what happens to me, fine...but I'm not here to make it ok for you any more...so my new plan is to go to work, and leave and do things for me...like exercising...I always rush home to see my husband, to have dinner ready...what for? The spouse is not any happier to see me and I'm missing out on things that are good for me...I'm missing out on me..I just need to spend less time with others and more time with me..and finally...the issue of friends...yup...don't really have any...more like acquantances...so there are probably 5 people in my life I'm going to hang onto...the rest can carry on their lives without me....and I need to be ok with that...I don't need all that acceptance, I don't need the backstabbing...and if you really care about me, you'll make just as much effort to be a part of my life as I do...thank you very much!