Nervous

2012 is wrapping up in a rather anticlimactic way. Aside from having lunch with my husband's uncle, we've done nothing but watch TV/movies....and have no plans to do anything different for the rest of the evening. I just read some fb post and other news stories that have sombered me up....Each new year bring a renewed sense of resolve and of course I plan on jumping back on the food bandwagon...I've been eating like a wild woman the past 2 days...but I feel like change is coming...and not necessarily in a good way or bad way...it's been my experience that odd numbered years bring bad things...though I got married in '07...and lost my pumpkin in an even year...I just feel like life is very different from how I planned it, that I'm missing out on opportunities, that I'm holding myself back by not following through or making the tough decision...so I look forward to 2013 with trepidation...I don't know what it will bring but I hope it brings strength to me...strength to stick with my weight loss journey, to battle through whatever difficult times are ahead and to direct myself towards where I want to be...Happy New Years to all!

I've been slacking on posting and I apologize to anyone who still reads my blog...but I have an excuse....I've been at the gym....4 times per week....and eating much better and meal planning...so for the time being, I'm going to go with it because I am doing well and I am hoping to keep adding these little successes together to equal my entire story...Happy Holidays everyone!!

Today was a prime example of why I'm still fat. I had plans all day to go to the gym after work. I ate a little bad knowing I'd work it off and have a salad for dinner...except I skipped the gym, snacked while I made dinner and ate a cheeseburger and fries (made at home) pluse 5 single package of whoppers, 2 dove chocolates and two packages of fruit snacks. I feel gross and hopeless....and I don't know how to push through that. All I do is sabotage....I want to be a success story!!

The Plan

So...I came back from vacation and couldn't find my groove....I left it in Vegas...and then I got my period and went on a 4 day binge.....I was insatiable...but I was determined to face the music, sure that my weight gain would kick my butt back into gear....I was up 4 pounds, I'm down 2 of those. But I have a plan for December....I'm referring to the 12's of Christmas....Starting Monday, it is my goal to make it to the gym 12 times and to lose 12 pounds before Christmas morning. I'm even going to start a WW challenge for it too...12 pounds will put me into the 230's...a number I haven't seen since I lost my dad...and I was only there for a second and not in a healthy way. I am paying for WW but making stupid choices...so I will get through Thanksgiving, Black Friday and my birthday and I will recommit!! Does anyone else have holiday weight loss plans?

Recap of the Fall Challenge

I'm so glad I participated in the fall challenge!! I want to thank everyone for their encouragement and for giving me some new blog friend's. I draw a lot of inspiration from people on here and glad to see so many motivated women!!. Secondly, I'm glad this coincided with my decision to start WW. I just looked at a progress report though and I only lost 2.8 in the last 4 weeks. I know I shouldn't be disappointed, but I am. I guess I'd planned on losing 5 pounds per month....wasn't a crazy number but just ahead of a pound per week and I've fallen short this past month. I can't be surprised at myself though as I've not been the most faithful. I've tried to go back and track but I'm sure I'm missing little bits here and there....and I've been using more and more of my weeklies which means I don't lose as much. I guess I just need to refocus and keep trying....I can't wait to get through the holidays....they are not joyous for me!! Thanks again to all of the support from my fall challenge buddies!

Extreme walking

Week 7's challenge was to try a new activity or push yourself harder. Due to my usually time constraints,walking in my usual activity. While we were on vacation, we walked more than I've ever walked. I've been wearing my Fitbit for about a year and I've only come close to 20,000 steps once. I hit is several times and my weekly average was we'll over 10,000. I'm nervous to see this week's weigh in... It probably won't be great but I don't feel guilty about what I did because I was far more active than usual so I did something new and pushed myself harder!

Post vacation weigh in

Not too shabby!

245.6....3.4 pounds less than WW... Wish I could count this weight instead....

10 things I love about me

This weeks challenge is to love yourself and say ten things you love about yourself. This is a tough one for me because 100% of the time, I don't like anything about me. I'm not rolling in self esteem. So, here goes...
1. I like my feet. I know this seems weird since many people don't like feet to start with but they're my favorite body part on me. They are long and lean, easy to dress, always fit. I have a tattoo on my left foot and it looks cute in sandals. So that's a safe body part.
2. I am generous. I will give you money, the shirt off my back, my last free moment...whatever you need...it's yours!
3. I have a great sense of humor. I can make most people laugh and I love to tease people. Laughter is definitely good medicine.
4. I can bake and cake decorate like it's no one's business. I am by no means the greatest, but my cupcakes and cake make people smile and I like making people happy.
5. I love the way my eyes change color. They can be blue, grey or green and any shade in between. They always give me away.
6. I love my teeth. They're all in there, mostly straight and generally white. My husband says I have chicklet teeth!
7. I have a great memory...hope it sticks with me because it's nice to remember where you met someone, a personal detail, the reason why you're doing something or how to get somewhere.
8. I love that I look like my parents, because I'm adopted and I love the story that allows me to tell. My past has helped to make me who I am.
9. I love that I love sports. I like to work out and be active. I love to be involved in sports and love my gymnastics team. I wish I had more time to be involved with more activities.
10. I love my motivation. When I want something I go after it. I stick with it and I achieve it.

How bout everyone else - how are your lists coming?

247.6....that's what the scale says today. Not sure I believe it since I had a gain by WW standards but I will take it!

What I am thankful for

I am thankful for my pets. These two girls filled a huge hole in my heart after we lost our boys. They make me smile and laugh but they also stress me out....they are my family and i dont know what I would do without them!

Crappy weigh in

I found out today I didn't get the job transfer....things have been just plain yucky and my eating hasn't been the greatest....so I'm bummed...my WW weigh in was better but I'm keeping it honest....hopefully Saturday's weigh in looks better.

Week 4

Well here I am, 4 weeks into my current weight loss journey and this may be my most successful attempt. I don't know what's made this time click, or why WW even works for me....except it is. For the first time in a few years, I am hopeful that I can change my life. And that is good right now since I feel hopeless for so many other reasons. So let's start with my WW weigh in - I'm down to 249.4....250 seems to be the number I get stuck at so if I lose a little this week or even maintain, I'm finally under it for more than a flash. .4 pounds and I've lost 10 pounds....4 pounds and I've lost 5 percent....so tangible. My challenge for this week's fall challenge is to talk about what my plans are for the next 4 weeks...unfortunately and fortunately, my next 4 weeks include a weeks stay in Las Vegas....I'm hoping that doesn't ruin my weight loss but I'm fairly confident that I can even manage to lose! My goal for the next 4 weeks is to increase my activity. I'm not going to the gym, or working out with my trainer friend or even walking/running/hiking/biking....I need to do these things most days...I've noticed that I lost a bit of weight in my arms and I look flabbier...I have a ton of weight to go so I'm afraid I'm going to look like I've melted when all is said and done so my goal is to earn at least 15 activity points each week. Hope everyone else is doing well!

Opps so I didn't read the week 4 challenge completely...I needed to have 3 goals. So here they are:
1. At least 15 points of activity per week
2. Only use activity points and not points plus points for the week (this excludes my vacation week)
3. Show a loss after my trip to Vegas!

3rd weigh in

It says 248.6. I don't really believe it but I have been having some bad days and haven't been eating much. At least there's some positive... I think I'm missing something tho.... Was there something I was supposed to do, or something due for next week?

Finding the ray of sunshine on a cloudy day

I recently applied for a transfer at work as I work nearly an hour away from home. The perfect opportunity arose and I finally felt confident to go for it. I had my interview yesterday. It was wonderful. And then it all crumbled. I made a big mistake, one that can't be corrected and it snowballed from there. I will probably have a corrective action against me and therefore would be unable to transfer. I have other reasons why this transfer was the next great step in moving towards my goals. So I'm am stuck in my current location/position and now have to do some soul searching about whether or not I want to stay where I'm at or look for another position. I'm too emotional right now to figure out anything that deep but I have decided to focus on my other job and my life outside of work...I need to make myself help to counteract all of the negativity I feel at work.
Anywho...I was in an awful mood this morning so I went to weigh in and decided to skip the meeting. I kept telling myself that I just wanted to lose 1.4 to say that I'd lost 5 pounds...I've just been feeling unsuccessful...it's hard to brag about 3 pounds...especially after 3 weeks. So, I hop on the scale and the woman says 4.6. So I'm thinking I only lost one pound. I was so dissapointed. I looked at her and told her as much, saying I wished I'd cleared 5 pounds. She was like, no, that's what you lost this week, you're down 8.2 total. It's hard to be joyful when so much about my job is in the air....but this was my ray of sunshine for today.

Hungry

This week I've been starving. I'm making good choices and working out but I'm still over my points most days. I still have 35 points plus left until tomorrow but I used activity points. I really want to lose 1.4 this week to say I've lost 5 pounds but I feel like this is taking forever and I'm afraid I'm not tough enough to make it.

Week two

Here's my weigh in and my previous post was about my new recipe... I'm having a good time and this was perfect timing!

New recipe for the fall challenge

I admit I wasn't all that creative because we have so much food in the house, I didn't feel like shopping. But I've never made mashed cauliflower. I just took a head of cauliflower and boiled it. Then I mashed it. I used about 2/3 cups of light butter amd garlic sea salt, pepper and chives. I finished it off with a sprinkle of parmesan. It's yummy!

I owe a picture for the fall challenge. I'm down a bit more but I just wanted to stay honest!

Week one - done!!

So I'm trying to post my first week's weigh in...it's not working so well...it won't let me add my picture...the scale said 256.2...I guess I'll have to add it later!! How'd everyone else do!

Honesty

I'm feeling unsettled today...this was not a good weekend. My week was pretty nerve wracking too. I found out that two dialysis clinics close to my house were looking for a social worker. I love what I do but my daily commute is 68 miles more days, 84 at least one day....I am spending hours in my car per week and ruining my vehicles. I am tired of the commute. There are also a million reasons why this change would be good for me...but I was afraid to tell my boss I applied for a transfer, and afraid I won't get it so I spent the end of the week a mess. When I finally told me boss, she was really supportive...and I am hopeful to get this opportunity to change. What pushed me over the edge today is my little black kitten. She turned one on Thursday. I'm really thankful she made it to one. When we were trying to get her fixed, she failed her pre-op blood work and EKG. She has a liver and heart issue...and there's no clue about what her life expectancy is...it broke my heart...I was hoping for many years of lively cats but apparently I am supposed to love this broken baby. She displays no signed of being special...except today. She was sitting outside on my lap and she started panting. She stopped immediately once I brought her inside but I don't know what caused it...which made me think of her heart issue. I always become a hot mess when it comes to my cats...but of course, once I'm out of sorts, I move onto other things. I think about holidays with my super elderly grandmother and I'm afraid of her...because she choked and was in the hospital...I wish I could embrace this time with her but it makes me unsettled. Then I think about having a baby and how frustrating it is not getting pregnant. I started using a fertility monitor and it hasn't said I've ovulated...I'm feeling hopeless. I had bloodwork done but I'm afraid to call the doctor about it. I just get so down...and hopeless...and so strung out and I don't know what to do to fix it. I'm plenty busy but I always find time to marinate in ugliness...I will end this on a bright note...I had my first official WW weight in...down 2.4. Of course I was dissapointed it wasn't over 5 pounds...but I know that's not the right attitude...I'm looking forward to Saturday!

Day One

So I just posted my day one weight for the fall challenge.
If you want to know more about the challenge, click here. It's my end of the day weight but the same as my WW weigh in... Hoping to see good numbers on Saturday...

Welcome to Weight Watchers....

Today I joined WW....after years of slanderous talk about how stupid it is to count points and go to meetings, I can no longer deny the millions of people in the world who have had success and the handful of people in my immediate circle who have had great success with the program....and I've gotten sick of losing the same 20 pounds over and over again...I wasted my 20s by being a blob who hated her life...I'm nearly one year into my 30s and I don't want to make it to 40 resentful that I didn't accomplish everything I ever wanted to....I weighed in at 259...eww....and my points seem quite high....I didn't actually think I was going to start today but I'm paying for it so why waste it...I'm looking forward to a month from now and being able to say that I've finally lost weight!

Stepping up to the Challenge

So I've decided that it's time to challenge myself. I've hosted a challenge, but I've never actually competed. I'm also planning on signing up for Weight Watchers...the one diet thing I've never tried but so many people have had good luck with it....so I'm stepping up to the challenge....bring it!!

Keeping it going

How do you kep the motivation going....every morning I start out great. Today for example, I packed my food for work (shake for breakfast + vitamins, grilled chicken salad for lunch, cut up fruit for snack plus a fruit bar and some fruit snacks) and I brought my gym bag...my plan was to go workout after work....but lunch time arrived and I was fantisizing about potato chips...and I'd eaten all of the food  I brought...so I went to Walgreens and got a diet soda, a string cheese and some baked lays and then ate that plus my salad and decided I wanted ice cream....just a small serving...and I've thrown my plan to go to the gym out the window because I don't feel like it. Also, my husband and I have been waking up feeling stiff and sore so I'm trying to force him to go matress shopping tonight....I can't do it anymore....but between yesterday's lackluster weigh in 254.8 and feeling bummed....I have no motivation. And most nights, I go on facebook, only to find someone else is pregnant and so I go to bed with plans of fixing myself...and then fall flat on my face. And I want a baby more than anything but I can't seem to stay committed for more than ten minutes....how do you guys do it?

Doing good

So I've been doing the Lyf program for most of the week...5 days now but I'm feeling great. I'm waking up easier in the morning, not stomach sick....was down nearly 6 pounds but I'm sure that was from the stress of my kitty having surgery. She's doing really well too. I ate pizza last night and a garlic bread with cheese....the scale was not friendly this morning...when I think about it though, it has less to do with how bad it was for me and more to do with me being completely allergic to it...I'm such an idiot for eating it. For the past 2 weeks I've been mostly clean and I think ultimately that's made the biggest difference. I just keep getting frustrated that this isn't a smooth easy process....but anything worth fighting for and having shoulnd't be easy right? I just need to keep perservering.

Day 1 Lyf iCHOICE

Yes, it's only day one but as an accomplished and frequent dieter, I can tell pretty quickly if I'm going to be able to tolerate it. The first shake of the morning wasn't too bad. I mixed it with apple juice but I'm going to try it with other juices. The carb and fat inhibitor....well....pretty yucky...but I added crystal light to it and was able to get it down. The vitamins were fine and I didn't throw up which is my usual reaction so that's a plus. I've been drinking a bunch of water and going like crazy which, because the shake is a fluorescent green, now my pee is too!! But if in 30 days, I've lost at least 10 pounds....then it's a win and I'll take it. I'm looking to read some new blogs now that I'm back in the saddle....some inspiration if you will....if anyone has any good ones, please pass them my way!!

Well my weights this week have been all over the place...in fact they're increasing....which is pissing me off because I've been eating nearly clean....small minor oppsies...nothing like before...and last year weight fell off me when I ate clean, this time, not so much....I'm doing ichoice starting next week. It is a program run through lyf.com....one shake, one vitamin pouch and a carb and fat blocking drink that are supposed to detox you of sorts....I have a 30 day package I stole from Groupon...something has got to work!

Day 2

Well I've made it to day 2....of the rest of my life....did a bit better today. Went for a nice long walk today....Was rewarded with an increase in my weight today...can't avoid weighing...I am obsessed....but I am also trying and feel like each day is a step in the right direction!

Updated

So I updated my two weight tickers..and the blogs I read. I've survived day one with only one minor detour. I ate pretty healthy and managed not to eat everything in site. I was primarily allergy free. I took my vitamins. And had a protein shake. And worked out with my trainer....I wish every day was like today....

Lost and Found

A common thread for most of the weight loss community is periods of great success and periods of failure....I have had both and often remarked that I find it fairly easy to lose 20 pounds but incredibly difficult to string together those efforts. My employer is requiring me to work with a wellness coach, provided by my insurance to achieve a goal. The goal I set is to eat clean for one week, starting tomorrow. Last summer I ate clean for 2 months and lost a bunch of weight, seems like a no brainer right? But nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. So tomorrow I embark on my first week of eating clean again. I go to my dr on Saturday to start to figure out why I am unable to get pregnant. Tomorrow becomes the first day of the rest of my life. My husband made fun of me today while we were shopping saying that this was the millionth try....and I just responded I'm going to try again...because if I don't try....I'm dead.

Down 2.6 this week....hopefully I can have multiple weeks of losses, even if they aren't big and I can feel successful....losing weight is so unrewarding....things need to move faster in order for people to keep it up....

Opps....

Again I've been slacking.....I don't know why I can't focus. I have all of these great ambitions and reasons to do this, I have all of these great tools and when push comes to shove, I just take the high road. I have two contests going on right now....one is between a coworker and myself and everytime we work out, we put a dollar in a jar. The first one to $100 wins. The loser has to buy the other one lunch when we go out to spend our prize money. I'm up to almost ten dollars over nearly 3 weeks....but exercising hasn't been my problem....it's been my eating. I know that realistically I just need to follow my allergen free diet and the weight will pour off....I don't know what my hold up is. The second contest is with a second friend of mine...similar rules....$0.25 for every workout....must either checkin on FB or text pictures....we both use a fitbit....and $1 for every pound lost...weekly weigh ins texted on Mondays....at $20, we go out and do something physically active and the other provides the meal....I'm trying to convince my husband to do something too....if anyone out there wants to wager with me....I'm game - let me know!

Not keeping up my end of the bargain

I told myself that I was going to blog more this year than last year, I was going to lose weight, I was going to make an effort to look better....I have such drive and no follow through. I haven't blogged in six weeks....don't worry you haven't missed much. I've been working both jobs faithfully, working out faithfully and trying to deal with some family stuff. My grandma has been sick and my sister in law is quite pregnant. I've lost 13 pounds and am starting to change shape. I have got to constantly remind myself to not be disappointed with the results...I've only worked out six weeks. I am struggling eat right....zero willpower...and my goal is so different now. I want to be healthy and I want a baby....and both things seem so far out. And I feel so guilty spending time on myself, and my husband is giving me a hard time....and I know I could be so much more successful....I just need to keep my goals in sight...someone help me...l

Hello?

Hey!! Where'd everyone go....I thought I had a fairly decent readership...and now, nothing...I'm actually starting to get back into this and I feel kind of alone....Please come back!! I hope I didn't offend anyone!!

Lazy Body!

Weighed in week one - down 6 pounds...hopped on the scale tonight....definately no love....I have such unreasonable expectations for this....I know I'm doing great but I feel like I should be losing 5 pounds per week. I just want to hit some goal....and not struggle and keep gaining and losing....I want this to work!

Feelin' it!

I feel great today!! I know most days won't feel this way, but I need to relish in the good moments. I got up today and went to work early...worked all day and got to eat real food...did great calorie wise...went and got my allergy shot and then met Jon....had a slamming workout even though it was arms and my arms are weak....then I coached for 2.5 hours....great practice....stopped at the grocery store after that and picked up friendly foods and came home and cooked dinner....I waited too long to eat but I'm working on remedying that....each day the scale starts creaping lower...I am on my way!

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2012....as I say this, I'm gearing up for the most difficult self imposed challenge ever. I have devised a plan to eradicate myself of this fat suit. Of course it doesn't help that I've been watching Biggest Loser pretty obsessively. Remember Jon - he trained me in 2009 for my bike ride and we did mostly crossfit. The difference between then and now is that jon trained me for fun before, this time I'm paying him. He's also ding my diet. For the next 2 weeks I'm doing a detox diet. The only thing I'm allowed to eat for the next 2 weeks is a six shakes made from kale, apples and frozen berries. Oh yeah, I can have water too. I threw up today during my workout and my workout was more of a fitness test than a work up. I am in sad shape. But I am going to change my life....I need to....so here's to 2012 so that I can reach my goals....I want this and I need to keep telling myself I want this! Good luck to everyone else who's embarking in a new year's resolution and a life change!