Honesty

I'm feeling unsettled today...this was not a good weekend. My week was pretty nerve wracking too. I found out that two dialysis clinics close to my house were looking for a social worker. I love what I do but my daily commute is 68 miles more days, 84 at least one day....I am spending hours in my car per week and ruining my vehicles. I am tired of the commute. There are also a million reasons why this change would be good for me...but I was afraid to tell my boss I applied for a transfer, and afraid I won't get it so I spent the end of the week a mess. When I finally told me boss, she was really supportive...and I am hopeful to get this opportunity to change. What pushed me over the edge today is my little black kitten. She turned one on Thursday. I'm really thankful she made it to one. When we were trying to get her fixed, she failed her pre-op blood work and EKG. She has a liver and heart issue...and there's no clue about what her life expectancy is...it broke my heart...I was hoping for many years of lively cats but apparently I am supposed to love this broken baby. She displays no signed of being special...except today. She was sitting outside on my lap and she started panting. She stopped immediately once I brought her inside but I don't know what caused it...which made me think of her heart issue. I always become a hot mess when it comes to my cats...but of course, once I'm out of sorts, I move onto other things. I think about holidays with my super elderly grandmother and I'm afraid of her...because she choked and was in the hospital...I wish I could embrace this time with her but it makes me unsettled. Then I think about having a baby and how frustrating it is not getting pregnant. I started using a fertility monitor and it hasn't said I've ovulated...I'm feeling hopeless. I had bloodwork done but I'm afraid to call the doctor about it. I just get so down...and hopeless...and so strung out and I don't know what to do to fix it. I'm plenty busy but I always find time to marinate in ugliness...I will end this on a bright note...I had my first official WW weight in...down 2.4. Of course I was dissapointed it wasn't over 5 pounds...but I know that's not the right attitude...I'm looking forward to Saturday!