It's been a year since I lost my dad...it's out of the way, over....I really thought losing him would help me get my butt in gear, and it did at least in terms of training for my bike ride. And 2010 is going to be my year...but I can't seem to lose any weight. I have made some major changes and haven't lost an ounce...but the truth is, that I haven't been all that faithful. A few good days, a few bad...and bad isn't even bad by before's standards...so it's frustrating...I'm not ready to eat 1000 calories and go to the gym twice a day....I wish I were that girl, but I'm not...and I'm crazy busy with gymnastics...which feels like a waste, it's killing my self esteem, because I let it, because I take things personally, because I hold myself responsible....I need....something and I'm still trying to find it. Slowly the house is getting clean and organized. Soon I'll be selling off all my old stuff, soon we'll be switching the office and the bedroom, soon I'll feel motivated....I feel like my life and really living is just on the horizon...I'm not there yet but I'm heading in the right direction!

525,600 minutes

That's how many minutes there are in a year. That's how many minutes I've been without my father. It's been a long and painful year for me. On New Years Day, I felt a relief that 2009 was out the door, today, I feel relief that I've made it to 1 year. I would do anything to have my father back, anything...and this day doesn't feel special, it feels empty....a year ago, it was one of the worst...a day similar to today - the sun was shining...I'd like to think my dad was floating up to where ever he was headed....he didn't get there for a few days....I felt him get there...Daddy....I miss you, more than anything and I love you, even though you're not here to receive that love!! 7/31/1943-1/26/2009.

Gems and Beads Catalog - who wants it?

I don't know how I got on the mailing list, but I got this fabulous 1275 pg catalog called Fire Mountain Gems and Beads and it appears to have everything in it....I know someone out there is really into making jewelry and would totally benefit from this, so I'd like to pass it along...any takers?

I want it

There are some mornings, once I'm awake, that I think about this weight loss journey and I want the weight loss so bad I can taste it. Because I was thin until I graduated H.S., I have had a taste of what I'd look like. I think I'd probably even look better now than I did then...and I want that...but then a day like yesterday happens, where I eat like crap and I'm discouraged. Losing weight is so just so damn hard. One bad day can ruin your weigh in, not enough water can ruin your weigh in, missing a day at the gym ruins your weigh in....and when you're already disappointed in yourself, it doesn't take much to give up. So this post is to remind me that I want it....and even when I mess up, that desire to be thin still rages on and if I listen to it, I will het there someday...no hurry!!

I made it to week two. No loss this week. I read an interesting article that suggested that you weigh yourself frequently as it boosts accountability...so I weighed myself yesterday, was down a pound, ate well all day, had a great workout and today, when it counts, I got nothing. But I modified the Special K challenge to include more real foods and it appears to be working. I've done a bit of journalling, have been reading my positive thoughts book and today got a sexy new hair do....unfortunately, my house would benefit from the same amount of attention I'm giving myself.

And in the TMI category - I just got my period again so I'm assuming that my personal neglect was the culprit and now that I'm taking better care of myself, my body is happy!

First week

Yesterday I was reading some of my old posts....and I determined that 2008 was my weight loss year. It's when I got really active on here and I lost, a lot rather fast....and I used FitDay - which has pretty much been the only thing to work for me. I am reporting a loss this week, only .6. But I am getting my bearings in this journey yet again. I went to the gym twice this week so that's a start. And unfortunately, when I start working out with Jon, the training is so hard that I do significant damage to my muscles and it takes quite awhile to even out - it's hard to flush that waste....but I will be seeing significant changes in my body. I'm still enjoying Special K and awaiting the ability to plan the next two weeks...I still have another week before I get two more weeks. I have had some dietary indescretions but I am skating that fine line between not caring and allowing myself to live. I can do this!
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders"

Doing well here - loving the Special K challenge...supplementing with some additional food because, sadly, the bigger you are, the more calories you need and right now, 1200 calories or so isn't cutting it. Went back to the gym yesterday, two more training sessions this week. Major mood improvements because IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY!!!

To close out 2009

1. Was 2009 good for you? Not in the slightest and I am thankful that it is over!!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Sitting on Presque Isle, in Erie, PA where my Dad grew up, with my husband watching the sun set and feeling very connected to him.
3. What was your worst moment of the year? The day we stopped life support for my father.
4. Where were you when 2009 began? Upstairs doing shots with the neighbors.
5. Who were you with? Justin, Vicki, Paul and my husband.
6. Where were you when 2009 ended? At home with Tracy and Steve watching movies and drinking wine.
7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? Not at all.
8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2010? See previous post.
9. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, I already have my love!
10. Did you make any new friends in 2009? I met some really neat new people but not necessarily became friends with them. I did get a bit closer to some people in my life so I guess you count those as new friends!
11. What was your favorite month of 2009? December.
12. Why this month? Because the year ended.
13. Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? No.
14. How many different places did you travel to in 2009? Michigan, Virginia and Pennsylvania. 15. Did you miss anybody in the past year? I miss my father every day.
16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? P.S. I love you.
17. What was your favorite song from 2009? The one I posed lyrics to in my previous post.
18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009? Two circus demonstrations, one community theater presentation, and two concerts.
19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? REO Speedwagon, Styx and .38 Special.
20. What was your favorite book in 2009? My Sister's Keeper.
21. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets....
22. What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? That I was OK - I'm still not ok.
23. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? I should be kinder to my mother....
24. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? No more so than usual.
25. What was your proudest moment of 2009? Finishing the last day of Tour DaVita - in honor of my father!
26. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? I don't embarrass easily...
27. f you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? I would have spent more time with my father in January, but I didn't know I was going to lose him...
28. Where did you work in 2009? I work at DaVita.
29. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009? ER.
30. Favorite Band(s) of 2009? Shinedown, Nickelback
31. Favorite Food in 2009? I need to stop liking food all together
32. Favorite Drink in 2009? Diet soda, which I know will kill me
33. Favorite Place in 2009? my bed
34. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2009? My husband
35. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2009? Jon - my trainer....strange as it sounds, he reads me pretty easily and calls it like it is....no bullshit with him...and he pushes me to do for me and be a better person
36. Favorite trip in 2009? Erie
37. Favorite stores in 2009? Lane Bryant and the Kitchen Collection
38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2009? Aside from my father, my cat....
39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2009? New Years Eve
40, Funniest moment(s) in 2009? Not nearly as many laughs as there should've been but I finished the year out with a friend of mine pouring vinegar down some guys jacket...and he didn't even know it!

My wish for 2010

Every year I make the same New Years Resolution - to lose 100 lbs by the end of the month...or some other weight loss resolution....I never made one for 2009. But 2009 turned out to be the worst year of my life...and yes, I do realize, I will have another year down the road that turns out to be just as awful...but losing a parent, getting into an accident bad enough to total your car, your 91 year old grandmother flipping her car and a terminally ill cat can throw you into a tailspin. So I spent the month of December eating my way into oblivion and doing some soul searching. It didn't help that the entire month, 5 or 6 people decided to chew me to shreds....my self-esteem is shattered. Pretty much everyone hates me. I hate me....when I wrote that post about hating myself, I hadn't even had some of those devasting conversations yet. So...I decided that 2010 is going to be about me...because for once, I think I'm worthy. And this year I've made a few resolutions:

1. To put me before anyone else
2. To read several self help books and really work on myself so that other find me more bearable.
3. To lose the weight, and not always come up with excuses to fall off the wagon
4. To spend at least 15 minutes a day on my personal appearance
5. To become a gym bunny

My plan is to start with losing 16 pounds this month - the first month is always the easiest. I am doing the Special K challenge...or at least trying to....I'm not off to a good start, but I'm definately minding my intake and hope to post at least a small loss this week. I'm only going to weigh myself once a week, anything more than that and I beat myself up for .5. I am planning on going to the gym at least once a day, most days....I will be meeting with my trainer 3x week and I'm at the gym at least 2 other days for work....even if it's something little. I bought two self help books "Helping me help myself" and "Too nice for your own good". I'm going to start there. I've been trying to be a bit more introvert, speak less, work harder but quieter....this will be a tough one. And finally, to spend more time on myself. I don't dress well and I don't fuss with my appearance much. I used to be quite a pretty girl, and parts of me are still asthetically pleasing...but it takes much more to look good now. So, I'm going to use lotion, make-up, blow dry my hair, use products, take bubble baths....I also want to get back into blogging...I've missed it. I'm cleaning up my blog list today and slowly, I think I'd like to build it back up again. I'm also journaling. I used to journal like it was going out of style. Again, making excuses. But it's easy to carry my journal and jot things down while I'm feeling them and analyze them later. bottom line is, If I don't love me, no one will...so here's to 2010 being a year of transition!