For the record

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone....but I feel I need to talk something out....I've been trying to be very introspective lately...and it's come to my attention that I don't have as much personal support as I'd like....but I was talking about this with some people and they were telling me that it's because I don't talk about my feelings much or try to reach out....so I've been trying to do that on here....but maybe I'm expressing too much....or using really deep words....
I know that when I'm talking about my dad or my cat I talk about deep grief and I guess that makes people feel uncomfortable or like I'm on the edge. But for those that do not know, I am a social worker....so that language, that way of expressing myself is normal. I am depressed, I am grief-stricken, I am anxious....but I am also in control. I will be the first person to recommend therapy to someone, as I am a therapist myself by training, but I don't feel I need it...I am progressing through the stages of grief and trying to move forward. I've also had a bad experience as a youth with therapy and just can't jump back into that. But I appreciate everyone's concern and comments about therapy. And I know this sounds defensive...I'm working on that...but I just want people to understand why I use such strong words and that I'm going to be ok...this is a process and with my dad, it's only been 4 months...and with my cat....I just want to make sure he's having the best life possible and I'm not keeping him alive for me....that's he happy and as healthy as he can be. Thanks!! Please leave comments if you still love me!

Who's Right

I have a weird debate - thought of it last night after looking at my picture online. So here it is - when I look in the mirror every morning I think I look OK. Yes, there are days when I look crappy....but for the most part, I feel well covered and that I look decent. But then I see pictures of myself, online, just from my camera and think that I look horrendous. The first picture in my last post, I look like I'm wearing a life vest under my shirt...But then people tell me I look like I'm losing weight or that I look good and that I'm too harsh on myself. So which image is right? I don't know....I'm feeling like I look better so I think I'm ust going to go with that!

The Man!

Had another training session today - #4.....he is kicking my butt!! But I love it!! And I can't wait to see how good I'm going to look! The first picture is before I started working out....I look awful....the second picture is after. It took a few moments to take the picture and I was dripping...he was so grossed out!

Over the top and struggling to normalize

I'm having a hard time....as usual....with my cat. I love my cat, more than anything, and probably a little bit unhealthily....but I am a true animal lover....but every day, I'm afraid to come home, to check his blood sugar, to see if he went to the bathroom. I am obsessed with his every move...And it's killing me. It leaves me so uneasy. He just went to the bathroom and got a bit on him so I wiped it off....there was a tiny bit of blood, prolly because the food I gave him for the last two days had too much fiber in it....shouldn't be a big deal, but I immediately got nauseous. I come home and randomly check his blood sugar, twice last week it was low...and I couldn't eat....I was never like this before, but since my dad, I've become fixated on my cat....and I don't know how to fix it....he's not fine and he'll never be fine and he doesn't seem to mind all of my attention but I'm tired of how it makes me feel....and I'm tired of anticipating losing him....I wish I could say it's helping me not to eat, but it's not, anymore....when I hit my low weight, it was because I was throwing up non-stop and going to the bathroom from nerves....I just feel like this year has been a non-stop nightmare....and I want it to settle down....I'm sorry that this blog is so scattered....I hope one day I'll be able to look back at it as it's serving as a journal and see some hope, some positives, but most days, I'm not there!

Training Session 3

I am surviving my personal training...and it is kicking my butt....I sweat so much I need to wear 3 shirts, I use my inhaler faithfully and I still stink at the end...but you know what? I feel good! I finally burned off all the lactic acid and dead muscle tissue so my weight is going down....and I feel like my body is changing....I feel good. Jon is letting me take a picture together on Thursday so I'll post it then!! Hope everyone had a great memorial day!~

Personal Trainer

I had my first personal training session yesterday. I was so proud of myself...I got there on time, used my inhaler beforehand, brought water....I was ready!! And then the workout started....my trainer is insane!!! He's training me to do crossfit...there's a website www.crossfit.com. It's a combo of weight lifting, gymnastics, martial arts, you name it.....and I hurt something fierce! Here's the link to donate to my bike ride....I forgot to add it. https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

Doom and gloom

It's raining right now, and dark. I just turned on the heat, and we're half way through May. I'm not sure if I'm cold because it's cold in here (it's 68 degrees) or because I'm not in a good place. Things continue to be difficult. Most days are OK, today is not a good one. It's only been 3 and a half months since I lost my dad and I find that right now, each day becomes more difficult. I miss him more, not less and now all I see is the things I'm missing out on....like I don't get to celebrate Father's Day anymore...though I know I will always celebrate him. Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut. The last time I got my hair cut, it was three days before he died...and while I sat there, I knew that I was getting my hair done for my father's funeral. Things with the cat have also been a challenge. I know he's fine, in fact, he done better than most cats. He'll be 13 in August and he's been on insulin for almost 3 years now. But every day, I'm terrified to come home because I'm afraid he'll be dead or something else bad will have happened...I watch his every move, analyze everything...stupid things, not stupid things. The other day, our two cats were fighting while I was at work (my husband was home so he told me about it) and before bed I went to fill their food dish and there was blood all over it. I thought it was from my cat's mouth since he had all his teeth out....later on I discovered that my kitty's nose had been scratched and the blood was from him rubbing his nose trying to pick up food....but things like that make me a mess....I come home and force myself to go to bed early, sleep is the only reprieve I get. It's my defense mechanism.....I'm just tired of feeling crappy....and I know it takes time....but I am so sad and depressed and it's hard to be motivated for anything....so thanks for bearing with me....

Trying to get my groove

I did really good last week, had a so-so weekend. My husband took my car apart to fix it and realized it needed more parts so I have no car this week. I've been getting up at 5 to bring him to work and then dragging myself to work. It's really been bad for my weigh ins because I usually wait an hour before I weigh in. I only saw a .6 loss this week, even though it was more during the weekend. I am putting together all my stuff for Tour DaVita...I'm putting my flyer I made for my work on the bottom of this post. I'm starting my training with my trainer on Tuesday. We're doing something called cross fit and he's agreeable to training me up to 3 times per week. I went to the local bike shop, which is huge and awesome to start pricing some nice riding stuff....and sadly...I need personal donations in order to get the things I really need. I need about $200 to get my shoes and petals which is a must and I want to get them now to become used to them...

And the bike I found, $600....so I'm working on it!
Megan, the Social Worker, is doing Tour DaVita again this year!!!

This year’s ride is in Michigan. The ride is September 19th – September 23rd. The ride is 250 miles, starting in Greenville and ending in Grand Haven. All funds raised go towards the Kidney Trust. Please see Megan if you want more information or if you have any questions!
I look forward to representing my clinics and CT!

My first blog award

I have received my first award - from Weight by the SeaShore. I am honored. Here I was thinking that my blog wasn't read by anyone, and I got this lovely surprise. I am continueing to do well. I emailed my trainer so hopefully in the next few days I will have a training schedule with him. I am in the process of trying to purchase a nice cycling bike so I can do my cycling training. I am also out to buy shoes. The website for my ride is awesome this year. www.tourdavita.org. If you want to sponsor me, it says sponsor a rider. I'm under G. I made all three meals every day this week, except today because I was at a meeting. It feels good to do that. I bought the premium version of Fitday so now I can sync my online account with my desktop account. So all is well and I'm feeling pumped!

Here are my five Super Bloggers:
Mary Fran
Heather
Felicia
Dottie
and
Angie

The Super Blog rules:
~ Tape it up on your blog somewhere.
~ Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!
~ When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Changing

I am changing my blog today - so welcome to the new layout - which isn't impressive, but I feel I need to change it. I'm also going to be changing my blog list. Too many people don't update their blog anymore and I need some new reading material. I'm also going to try to be better about leaving comments. I need to drum up some more readers.....I feel lonely...but I still love to write about my journal. It keeps me accountable and keeps me motivated. Speaking of motivated, a friend/colleague of mine works with me as a personal trainer and since I'm doing this race and I need all the help I can get, he's agreed to help me pro-bono....so I'm hoping to be a hottie again, sooner rather than later. I'll be posting more about my bike ride, with pictures from last year, some current stats and a picture and hopefully some progress between now and then. I've been doing good on the food front, already down a pound this week and it's only Wednesday...well I'm off to make dinner - steak, red potatoes and asparagus - all on the grill since the sun is shining today!

Motivated

I am feeling motivated....that's one for the records. Today has been a busy day. I went to work today with all of my food planned. I am back to using FitDay which I really like. After dinner, I'm under 2000 calories which is a milestone for me, considering I was eating around 3-4000 calories a day normally. I think I have a buddy but I'm open to more. I signed up today for Tour DaVita - a 250 mile bike ride across Michigan in September, raising funds for the Kidney Trust. I wasn't going to do the ride, with my year being the way it has, but I can't think of a better way to honor my father. So I'm going to ride in his memory. I just tried on last years jersey and it barely fit....I look like a sausage....yuck.....so I want to lose the 15 pounds by August 1st and if I can gain more in the following two months, I'd love it!! I need to do this...so it's on!!!