Not worth it

I keep feeling like I'm so not worth this effort...I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale - down to 251...over two pounds in 2 days....and I know it's water weight and I'm just so frustrated that I keep losing the same weight over and over again...how counter productive am I....If I added up all the weight I've lost to one mass weight loss....I'd weight 150 and be gorgeous...I did great all day...ate small meals...and then instead of going to the gym, I went to the chiropracter to help with my sciatica....and grocery shopping and to the buffet and ate tons of pretzels I made with a friend...probably 1200 calories....maybe not over for the day, but definately not smart choices....tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will tell myself I'm worth it...tomorrow I have a lunch buffet...I will blow it...I am powerless to change my life yet I'm in control of my choices...life is a struggle!

Disappointment

Today was my first real day back in the drivers seat....I planned most of my meals, drank lots of water, planned my activities...weighed in 253.4. I've gained over 10 pounds since I started taking better care of myself. But I was on the right track. I had a particularly stressful day....I have something to do tomorrow that I can't talk about but totally can change my life and not in a good way. I ate well today though! And on the way home, I kept thinking about stopping at McDonald's to soothe myself with french fries....and I thought to myself "food isn't happiness, food is fuel" and kept thinking that those fries wouldn't help me shed anything and I'd continue to be unhappy in this body...I was proud of myself for making it home without stopping. I cooked some turkey sausage, rice and pumpkin and had that for dinner, accounting for everything...I had lots of calories to spare...and then I ate 10 Townhouse crackers, one large piece of cake minus the frosting and an entire small package of Sour Patch Kids....so I wasted Day 1....that's the story of my life...I can count today as a loss or I can count this whole effort as a loss and never try again. I'll weigh in again tomorrow and the day after and face each day as it comes!~

Welcome to 30!

I just celebrated my 30th birthday... it's weird to think that's I've been alive that long! I realize now that I wasted my 20's on being fat.....I didn't let it hold me back because I'm not like that....but I spent a lot of time hating myself and wasting time and money on things....my husband threw me a surprise birthday party and I almost missed out on it because I felt uncomfortable in my body....I feel like there are fewer things that I want to do because I feel uncomfortable...I hate pictures, I hate social events...there's so much more that I want....and it's time to suck it up and do it....so here's what I want in my 30th year:
- to lose 50 lbs
- to stop wasting time adjusting clothing that doesn't fit
- to participate in life and not stop doing things because of my size or appearance
- get pregnant
- shock Karen by how much I've changed since she saw me
- shock everyone by my different body
- get laser hair removal
- wear a bathing suit and impress someone
- get compliments
- spend time on my appearance
- help my husband be healthy
- finish this house
- LOVE myself!!

I'll be blogging more - I need to! I need to be ok with failures but never give up on effort...I need to follow my allergy free lifestyle and go to the gym....I need to be a priority...for once.

Long time no see

I am so sorry I've been absent....I should be writing this blog for me, but I find greater success in knowing that someone else out there is reading it, and nodding and connecting to what I'm saying....that being said...is there anyone reading? A lot has happened....as with life, it always does....I stopped losing weight in the beginning of September...I also stopped following my allergen free diet....lots of eating out...I've felt lousy but I have no one to blame but myself. I keep saying that I'm going to go back to the right way for me to eat....I haven't been able to get back into it yet...but it's my plan. We lost our Tigger back at the end of August - it was a crushing blow but thankfully our kitten has filled the void. We got another kitten last night...it's an itty bitty kitty convention!! I'll try to be more present....please say hi!