Re-energized!

Weight looks like it's coming back down...and I am getting amped to get some of my freedom back starting on Monday!! I am plann ing on setting fitness goals like walking so many miles or riding so many miles on the bike...just to get some kind of daily activity in sounds heavenly right now!! And I want to be able to be a bit more productive with the house. I've already been putting away tons of stuff and selling things on ebay...it feels good to throw things out or find homes for things....I just hate living out of boxes! And cooking continues to bring me joy and it's been nice to be able to do some of that...I'm still slowly finding boxes that contain the contents of my kitchen...but it's nice to be unpacking things! Hopefully our bedroom will be done in the next month of so...it would be lovely to have all of upstairs done! I still need to go through all of my clothes - and start storing the winter stuff and pulling out the spring stuff...and selling the stuff that doesn't fit...it's all about downsizing! Even though we bought a house that had more room, I'm finding it far more satisfying to use things up and get rid of junk! So I'm looking forward to next week, when I am more able to come and go as I please and finally settle into a routine with my husband since we also finally live under the same roof!

Up two pounds this week - again not surprised....part of my desire to drop this weight is so that I am healthy enough to get pregnant....I have PCOS and I am trying to figure out how I work...so I think TOM is approaching...I know TMI...I am starting to get a bit stir crazy at home...I'm running out of projects to do...days that I have obligations, I wish I had no plans and days I have no plans, I want someone to come rescue me. Once I am cleared to drive, I am returning to the gym even if I do nothing more than walk or play on the stationary bike....I am ready to resume normal life, life living with my husband...and I'm ready to fill my life with healthy happy activities for me...HELLO ROUTINE!

Taking Stock

All of this drama circling around me has me re-evaluating the things in my life...the things I do...the "friend" who started all the drama about my bike ride appears to be mad at me - that's what got me thinking...I don't work in a very nice place...I would like to change that...I realize that every workplace has it's drama...but I've never been as miserable. And I'm responsible for a lot of it...there are things at work that drive me crazy and usually when something bothers me...I go find someone to commiserate with me...which either starts people talking crap or gets me so fired up my day is shot...it's not worth it...my new plan is to go to work - be cordial, engaged...but closed...no more disclosing information about me, no more plans to hang out...but I also need to put myself first...a couple of people brought to my attention that signing up for the ride without asking/discussing was me going with my gut and putting me first and people were trying to make me feel bad= the truth - probably....but I tend to internalize everything, take everything personally, and apoligize....it's time to get over that....you don't like me, fine, you don't care about what happens to me, fine...but I'm not here to make it ok for you any more...so my new plan is to go to work, and leave and do things for me...like exercising...I always rush home to see my husband, to have dinner ready...what for? The spouse is not any happier to see me and I'm missing out on things that are good for me...I'm missing out on me..I just need to spend less time with others and more time with me..and finally...the issue of friends...yup...don't really have any...more like acquantances...so there are probably 5 people in my life I'm going to hang onto...the rest can carry on their lives without me....and I need to be ok with that...I don't need all that acceptance, I don't need the backstabbing...and if you really care about me, you'll make just as much effort to be a part of my life as I do...thank you very much!

I'm feeling better...writing all of that out was good for me...being home alone with my thoughts has been rather painful and cathartic...I don't really like myself all that much, and truthfully, no one really does. But I am committed to changing myself for the better. I am committed to losing this weight, I am committed to being more introspective. I am committed to doing the right thing. And I know there will be tough times and pitfalls...but I can get through them...and find people who like me for me...this week I am down to 254.2 - I only have 4.2 to go and 2.5 weeks - totally attainable....and since I've committed to this ride...I must commit to myself...let this be the last time I've said I'm going to do it...just do it!

I am an insensitive loser...

Life lately has been another exercise in lets all gang up and remind Megan of all of the ways she truly fails as a human being...I feel so lost and don't know where to go with all of this information. I wish I could start from scratch....be a different person....but I can't....lets start with the facts....
My husband doesn't really like me...he's referred to me as a child who always has to get her way, who yells too much, who bullies others...we're more like roommates than life partners. This is painful.
My employer/co-workers....they regularly share that I'm crude and loud and insensitive to others with my huge open mouth insert foot complex. I've also been told I need to dress better and look better.
According to my husband - my mother thinks I'm mean and yell too much too.
Gymnastics - I work with someone who is determined to discredit me and make me look bad at every opportunity...I feel useless there as well...
I feel defeated and beaten down. I feel like I need a fresh start.....but all of these people in my life already have an opinion and image in their heads about me...I'm riding uphill, in a snow storm, stuck in 10th gear....
Today just broke me completely....I was talking with someone from work...who told me that she and several other co-workers wanted to do Tour DaVita (I already signed up with some prodding from friends) but that the boss would not approve all of us to ride...now I feel awful for potentially taking the opportunity away from others. I never asked about doing it, I just signed up. I hate feeling like this...I hate being like this...
The ultimate me would be nearly 100lb lighter, would wear make-up, would dress fashionably, would be passionate yet reserved. I vow to do as much as I can to change my personality and appearance but I tihnk there's probably a bit of depression underneath that makes me want to hide, sleep all day and not shower for weeks, because it's too much effort. I want people to understand me...I didn't sign up for the bike ride to exclude people, I signed up because I feel passionate about it...it's really my thing...I spent $1000's of dollars on equipment, I like riding and the event is always special for me...but I feel selfish now...and that clashes completely with me...I am so lost right now, spinning circles..
I guess all I'm asking for is love, patience and exceptance...and a possible donation for this bike ride - please support me...
https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_2469/index.html

And my weight today is 255.4...up .2 from last week. Ya know what though? I'm ok with that....I was a little surprised to see a 10 pound weight loss last week - thought it was a fluke, so this proves it was not. Last week I wasn't as good about my food choices as I could've been. I was excited because people were visiting me and taking me out for appointments so we ate out a bit and I did a lot of snacking....for the past 2 days I've been really good and I've been rewarded by slowly dropping weight....I have 5 pounds to lose is 4 weeks - I think I can do it!

Tour DaVita

It's become an annual tradition for me to participate in Tour DaVita - every year has been wonderful and a real challenge. This year it's in Connecticut and I have so many mixed feelings about it. I want to do it because it's local, because I enjoy cycling, because I can use my own bike, because I want to complete it 100% this year but I'm hesitant because I don't know if I can ride, especially with my shoulder, because I am making a wedding cake for a co-worker and the wedding is the first day and because it somehow doesn't feel as special since it's here because everyone local will be doing it and that takes away from me being unique...I'm guessing that I'll end up doing it....but so many mind games...stay tuned for tomorrow's weigh in!