Sunday, March 22, 2009
My new plan is to work on my health....well, it's not exactly a new plan because obviously losing weight works on my health. But I had a bunch of labs drawn, and the results weren't good. My cholesterol came back high....only borderline, but still high. And I already have a bunch of risk factors for heart disease, I'm over-weight, my biological mother died of a heart attack in her early 30's, my cholesterol is high and side affects of PCOS put me at risk. So I went to the book store and bought a book all about cholesterol and what to do to lower it....no surprises....eat less, work out more....but I don't want to die....and after working in health care, I don't want my body modified any more than it already is....I like owning original equipment...so tomorrow, it's back to FitDay, back to the gym, back to meal prep....to continue to lose weight and hopefully neck time I have my cholestrol reading done, it will be good. My OB is probably going to put me on metformin so that should help with my blood sugar and weight loss, my dad lost about 70 pounds on that....and I have an appt with a primary in two weeks to look more into this....so hopefully I'm well on my way!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Another badge, 35 pounds gone, actually a little more than that. I wish I could say, "Oh yeah, I finally found sometihng that works and it's this...." but I've really just joined the stressed out, overly anxious, too depressed to eat diet...I was told today that my cat probably has a year to live, maybe less....another blow in too short a time. I wish I could say "time - out". For every one thing I have to look forward to, something over-shadows it. I was just laying in bed with the cats and my husband, it should've been comforting....it made me sad....I look at my cat and think I'm on borrowed time...thank you to anyone who still reads this pathetic blog...I know my numbers are dwindling.....one of these days I'll finish my blog roll....have a great rest of the week!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Brutal Honesty
I warn all who are thinking about reading this post, that it's going to be depressing, sad, upsetting....but I'm not in a good place, and I'm physically all alone right now and I need to share...
I feel empty right now, all the time, to the core. I always knew that I wouldn't have my dad nearly long enough. I knew it as a small child, because my parents were older than everyone else's, I knew it when my dad got diagnosed with COPD, and then got worse and I knew it 5 days before my dad died....But I thought I'd come to terms with it, as well as one could facing this inevitability. But it didn't happen the way I planned it. I walked into his room the day he died, broke down and just said enough...my mom and I looked at each other and within minutes, he was gone. My life has all but stopped. Support from those closest to me is all but stopped. Everyone asks how my mom is doing, no one asks about me. Probably because I'm too honest. No one really wants to know the truth. I feel nothing...but pain, and sorrow and despair. I have no desire to do anything, work, live, anything...my husband let it slide, but he thinks I should be over this by now - he doesn't know...he isn't a feeler and he hasn't been through this. The only time I feel something is when I'm doing something that my dad would've wanted me to do...like today, I picked up his car from my best friend who'd done a bunch of work on it...the car he bought 7 year ago, for me, because I wanted a civic, a 5 spd - my mother couldn't even drive it and when I lived with them, I never let my dad either. But now the car is mine and I can't bear to part with it, he taught me how to drive it, he's in it...I've felt my dad twice now....I know this sounds creepy....I was watching P.S. I love you, not a good movie for someone who's lost someone close to them, but I'd seen it before so I knew what was coming, and in a really sad part, I felt my dad's hands around my heart, squeezing, not painful, just an "I'm here" - I could feel his fingers, ones that we'd commented on how they didn't look like his as he was passing....and I felt him last week, when I had a doctors appointment at the hospital where he died. This time it was more gentle, he'd probably heard me tell my mom that he's scared me....I miss him and I don't have any idea how to fix myself. I think myself and everyone else thinks I know how to handle this because I'm a social worker and I have tried to be introspective and cope....but this is heart-breaking...
And when I think things can't get worse, they inevitably do. I have a 12 year old orange cat. He is on insulin as he is diabetic. But, he is the sweetest cat in the world. The whole time I was going through the stuff with my dad, he was with me. Anytime I needed to just reach out and touch something, he was there. When I was sad, he would meow, when I cried, he came and laid with me.....But I wasn't a good pet parent. I knew he had bad dental disease and I delayed having it taken care of. Two weeks after my dad passed, the cat had mouth surgery. He now has two teeth, the rest were too bad. I spend the first few days after his surgery terrified that I would lose him too....and when I thought we were in the clear, his eye started watering and weeping, he'd scratched his cornea, a week later, it wasn't better but worse. The poor cat was stuck wearing a cone for nearly two weeks. That was a week ago. He was doing great, no problems....on Sunday, he started bleeding from his ureter, he now has a UTI. Because he's diabetic, he probably has stones, which can block his bladder and kill him within hours if he can't pee. He seems fine, happy, purring, eating, drinking, peeing ( I've become obsessed, watching and listening to make sure it goes ok). He senses my unease because when I'm home, he's with me constantly....I realize that he too will not be with me long enough, all of his medical conditions will invariable shorten his life. But I am not ok with that...and I'm trying to be but I need him, he has been my rock, my quiet companion through this awful time in my life but he deserves a break, a chance to just be a normal cat...and I want a break...
I do not feel I am any more worthy than anyone else of a break, but I am breaking...I've been talking to my dad, to God and I don't even believe in organized religion, but I want someone to know I'm agonizing, and that I'm doing my best to continue...I'll end with a quote from my favorite movie A Walk to Rememer " I do not need a reason to be angry with God". I feel that sums up where I am. Thank you to anyone who read through this...
I feel empty right now, all the time, to the core. I always knew that I wouldn't have my dad nearly long enough. I knew it as a small child, because my parents were older than everyone else's, I knew it when my dad got diagnosed with COPD, and then got worse and I knew it 5 days before my dad died....But I thought I'd come to terms with it, as well as one could facing this inevitability. But it didn't happen the way I planned it. I walked into his room the day he died, broke down and just said enough...my mom and I looked at each other and within minutes, he was gone. My life has all but stopped. Support from those closest to me is all but stopped. Everyone asks how my mom is doing, no one asks about me. Probably because I'm too honest. No one really wants to know the truth. I feel nothing...but pain, and sorrow and despair. I have no desire to do anything, work, live, anything...my husband let it slide, but he thinks I should be over this by now - he doesn't know...he isn't a feeler and he hasn't been through this. The only time I feel something is when I'm doing something that my dad would've wanted me to do...like today, I picked up his car from my best friend who'd done a bunch of work on it...the car he bought 7 year ago, for me, because I wanted a civic, a 5 spd - my mother couldn't even drive it and when I lived with them, I never let my dad either. But now the car is mine and I can't bear to part with it, he taught me how to drive it, he's in it...I've felt my dad twice now....I know this sounds creepy....I was watching P.S. I love you, not a good movie for someone who's lost someone close to them, but I'd seen it before so I knew what was coming, and in a really sad part, I felt my dad's hands around my heart, squeezing, not painful, just an "I'm here" - I could feel his fingers, ones that we'd commented on how they didn't look like his as he was passing....and I felt him last week, when I had a doctors appointment at the hospital where he died. This time it was more gentle, he'd probably heard me tell my mom that he's scared me....I miss him and I don't have any idea how to fix myself. I think myself and everyone else thinks I know how to handle this because I'm a social worker and I have tried to be introspective and cope....but this is heart-breaking...
And when I think things can't get worse, they inevitably do. I have a 12 year old orange cat. He is on insulin as he is diabetic. But, he is the sweetest cat in the world. The whole time I was going through the stuff with my dad, he was with me. Anytime I needed to just reach out and touch something, he was there. When I was sad, he would meow, when I cried, he came and laid with me.....But I wasn't a good pet parent. I knew he had bad dental disease and I delayed having it taken care of. Two weeks after my dad passed, the cat had mouth surgery. He now has two teeth, the rest were too bad. I spend the first few days after his surgery terrified that I would lose him too....and when I thought we were in the clear, his eye started watering and weeping, he'd scratched his cornea, a week later, it wasn't better but worse. The poor cat was stuck wearing a cone for nearly two weeks. That was a week ago. He was doing great, no problems....on Sunday, he started bleeding from his ureter, he now has a UTI. Because he's diabetic, he probably has stones, which can block his bladder and kill him within hours if he can't pee. He seems fine, happy, purring, eating, drinking, peeing ( I've become obsessed, watching and listening to make sure it goes ok). He senses my unease because when I'm home, he's with me constantly....I realize that he too will not be with me long enough, all of his medical conditions will invariable shorten his life. But I am not ok with that...and I'm trying to be but I need him, he has been my rock, my quiet companion through this awful time in my life but he deserves a break, a chance to just be a normal cat...and I want a break...
I do not feel I am any more worthy than anyone else of a break, but I am breaking...I've been talking to my dad, to God and I don't even believe in organized religion, but I want someone to know I'm agonizing, and that I'm doing my best to continue...I'll end with a quote from my favorite movie A Walk to Rememer " I do not need a reason to be angry with God". I feel that sums up where I am. Thank you to anyone who read through this...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Munchies
Help me!!! I've been attacked by the munchies!!! I have been insatiable....and I hate feeling hungry. I think it's related to a medication and I'm seeing the doctor on Friday but this is ridiculous. I just googled munchies and everything is related to marijuana....I am not smoking it....I just wish I could get rid of the hunger cravings. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to beat the munchies, other than locking myself away?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)