Liar

I am a liar....not usually....just in refence to the last post I wrote...I'm not doing ok...in fact, it's prolly reaching critical. I hate my situation...not living with my husband is definately taking a toll...it's hard to have a relationship when I'm staying somewhere else....but I love my mom and my cat and I don't mind making the sacrifice....I'm more concerned with myself. I hate me again....I hate how I look, how I can't lose weight, how I've let this situation allow me to balloon, but it's hard to cook when all you've got is a grill and a microwave and so we eat out all the time...and I don't make good choices. I'm in the angry state I'm in...so I do the opposite of what would change things...I'm also tired of the constant barage of comments from the awful people in my life that I can't change. I'm tired of being told I'd be pretty if I lost weight...don't even get me started...I'm trying to care, but its so much easier to say screw it and eat like crap. I assure everyone, as soon as I have a functional kitchen, it's on...and if I have my shoulder surgery, I'm going to be my focus for awhile....I need to save myself. We had mandatory blood work for work and everything came back high - my cholesterol, my blood sugar, even my BP which is normally low...In a very dramatic sense, I feel like I'm dying....

Holy shit - where'd the time go! I can't believe it's been two months since I've last blogged...it feels like an eternity...not much has changed...the house is still a work of art...and a work in progress....I'm still living at my mom's - one day I'll actually ive in the house that I've spent some much blood sweat and tears over. 2 weeks ago I dislocated my shoulder so I'm half out of commission...and not having a fully functioning kitchen has proved to be a challenge for me in terms of losing weight....by the time I live here tho, my kitchen will be gorgeous and I will be so totally sick of eating out that it's never going to happen again...hope everyone else out here is doing well - please say hello if you've stopped by!

Lost another blog I read, it's been made private....here's the address: http://seashorerose.blogspot.com/ .....if you're the owner, and don't mind letting me read, please let me back in!! I really enjoyed your story!

I've been slacking on the blog front...but I have a good excuse....we finally moved into the new house - well sorta. All of our stuff is there...but the house is definately still in demolition mode. My husband is living there...with a toilet in the half bath, tub that only works for baths in the full bath, no kitchen, no floors upstairs and only 2 rooms painted...there's a lot to go...and it feels like this will never be finished...I know I know...welcome to home ownership....I had planned on hosting Thanksgiving so we'll see...that's my goal right now. I haven't lost any weight...definately been slacking on that. I've moved back home with my mother because our cat can't be in these conditions...he eats everything and he's not supposed to be scared so for now...we're bunking at my mom's. Eating has been kinda sketchy...I haven't really gained, but I haven't lost either. My bike ride is in a month...hopeing to be a bit more settled by then because I need to pack...all of our stuff is stuffed in the garage. I haven't been riding either...starting Tuesday, that's the plan...ride ride ride...hope anyone who still reads this is doing well - stop in and say hi!

I am in agony. Yesterday was absolutely awful....and now I feel like I did the wrong thing....he still wasn't right yesterday morning, still wouldn't eat, but he took a drink. I brought him outside and offered him some grass, he tried to eat it....did I do the right thing? The whole ride over, he sat on my front seat just looking at me...I know I did the right thing...he's been sick for four years - twice daily insulin injections, blood glucose testing, scratched cornea twice which required him to wear a cone, 3 oral surgeries - including one where his chin exploded and one where all his teeth were removed, neuropathy which made walking difficult, vomiting, diarrhea - when I looked at it this way, he's been through so much...and never with a complaint....but he was so unique. I will never have a cat like him again...and it makes me so sad to think that I might have 50 or 60 years left here without him. He "talked" to me, slept between my husband and I, followed me everywhere, tried to hop in the bath tub with me and laid waiting on the bathmat, followed me into the office and sat next to me, pawing my leg so I could pick him up and he could lay on my desk with me, would lay in my lap.....I have never met a more interactive cat.....and now I don't know what I'm going to do without him...We buried him last night, I've never had to do that....I sat in the rain, covered in mud digging my hole....I spent a few minutes with him, then put him down in his box....they gave me a nice cardboard casket....I wrote him a letter on the top of it....I don't know what I believe in....I think I believe in God, though not organized religion....but I've been praying and now he's gone...is it because that was better for him? I like to think that when we die, our spirits go somewhere and we get the opportunity to exsist in our best times - my Dad would be able to breath and walk and do all the things he loved, my cat would have teeth and no diabetes....and I'd like to think at some point, I will be able to join them there....to have all my family back, all my cats.....that's my only consolation...today is tough...I thought it would be easier - it's not. I'm hanging in there though, what else can I do?

After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has come...it's been a rough month for our cats....my precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is lethargic...it breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....

Sad

Today I'm sad, and anxious...an uneasy....things had been going relatively well with our new house and our lives...I certainly wasn't complaining...but yesterday it all fell apart with my husband's sweet cat becoming terrifyingly ill...$800 later, and I've spent our appliance money...the cat has a newly diagnosed cardiac condition, asthma, allergies and maybe a parasite....of course none of this is official....x-ray and labs came back clear but he's been breathing really fast and has an irregular heart beat. My cat hasn't been feeling well either. Between the two of them, there's been a lot of vomit and mellow cats...it's breaking my heart...and making me nervous....to top it off, my husband is having his wisdom teeth out, which isn't a big deal, except when things feel fragile and this could really mess things up more...the only bright moment has been this evening when my husband finally finished laying the subfloor upstairs and I finished spackling one room completely and have moved on...we are getting there ever so slowly! I have jury duty Friday too...isn't life grand....pity party had..I'm moving on now!
"I'm willing to do anything To calm the storm in my heart I've never been the praying kind But lately I've been down upon my knees Not looking for a miracle Just a reason to believe"