I am in agony. Yesterday was absolutely awful....and now I feel like I did the wrong thing....he still wasn't right yesterday morning, still wouldn't eat, but he took a drink. I brought him outside and offered him some grass, he tried to eat it....did I do the right thing? The whole ride over, he sat on my front seat just looking at me...I know I did the right thing...he's been sick for four years - twice daily insulin injections, blood glucose testing, scratched cornea twice which required him to wear a cone, 3 oral surgeries - including one where his chin exploded and one where all his teeth were removed, neuropathy which made walking difficult, vomiting, diarrhea - when I looked at it this way, he's been through so much...and never with a complaint....but he was so unique. I will never have a cat like him again...and it makes me so sad to think that I might have 50 or 60 years left here without him. He "talked" to me, slept between my husband and I, followed me everywhere, tried to hop in the bath tub with me and laid waiting on the bathmat, followed me into the office and sat next to me, pawing my leg so I could pick him up and he could lay on my desk with me, would lay in my lap.....I have never met a more interactive cat.....and now I don't know what I'm going to do without him...We buried him last night, I've never had to do that....I sat in the rain, covered in mud digging my hole....I spent a few minutes with him, then put him down in his box....they gave me a nice cardboard casket....I wrote him a letter on the top of it....I don't know what I believe in....I think I believe in God, though not organized religion....but I've been praying and now he's gone...is it because that was better for him? I like to think that when we die, our spirits go somewhere and we get the opportunity to exsist in our best times - my Dad would be able to breath and walk and do all the things he loved, my cat would have teeth and no diabetes....and I'd like to think at some point, I will be able to join them there....to have all my family back, all my cats.....that's my only consolation...today is tough...I thought it would be easier - it's not. I'm hanging in there though, what else can I do?

After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has come...it's been a rough month for our cats....my precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is lethargic...it breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....

Sad

Today I'm sad, and anxious...an uneasy....things had been going relatively well with our new house and our lives...I certainly wasn't complaining...but yesterday it all fell apart with my husband's sweet cat becoming terrifyingly ill...$800 later, and I've spent our appliance money...the cat has a newly diagnosed cardiac condition, asthma, allergies and maybe a parasite....of course none of this is official....x-ray and labs came back clear but he's been breathing really fast and has an irregular heart beat. My cat hasn't been feeling well either. Between the two of them, there's been a lot of vomit and mellow cats...it's breaking my heart...and making me nervous....to top it off, my husband is having his wisdom teeth out, which isn't a big deal, except when things feel fragile and this could really mess things up more...the only bright moment has been this evening when my husband finally finished laying the subfloor upstairs and I finished spackling one room completely and have moved on...we are getting there ever so slowly! I have jury duty Friday too...isn't life grand....pity party had..I'm moving on now!
"I'm willing to do anything To calm the storm in my heart I've never been the praying kind But lately I've been down upon my knees Not looking for a miracle Just a reason to believe"

Big Fat Failure

Hi all...I've been in hiding....not really hiding, but working on our "new" house. And it's made me a mess!!! I hate it....I hate myself, I hate my husband....I hate floors, and walls and grass...and if one more person says "welcome to homeownership, where your work is never done and you'll always want to change something" I might kill them! We bought a fix-me-upper....we knew there'd be work...we just didn't realize how much! Last night we removed the last of the hard wood floors upstairs - we're replacing them with laminate flooring as the hardwoods were wicked old and buckling. We've also removed all of the outlet covers and trim from upstairs. Once all the plywood has been layed, I can finish spackling all of upstairs...and we can paint. Once the painting is done, trim is replaced, new outlet covers put on and new lights installed, we can start moving our upstairs furniture. Except I'm not keeping any of my office furniture because it doesn't fit or match and our bedroom furniture is huge....but when we finally finish this house, it will pretty much be brand new minus two floors and most of the walls....we are not changing anything, ever....please tell me I'm crazy if I write that I'm taking on another project. My eating has been shit....I was doing so good, using Sensa....but I'm exhausted. Every day I get up and I go to work - at least a 45 minute commute each way too...and then I go to some random MD appt and then to the house. I have been stopping and eating junk on the way to the new house because I know we won't eat dinner until at least 9. And then dinner is usually carby and fatty too. I keep justifying it by reminding myself how hard I'm working, how sweaty and dirty I am at the end of the day....but I should be using this as an opportunity to eat nothing but veggies and sweat off all these fat cells. I've lost nothing this month...and now I'm sitting here, avoiding hopping in the shower, waiting for my husband to come home from working his second job so that we can get ready to go to a wedding reception in half an hour, that's half an hour away....leave pretty quickly and go to the new house to hopefully get the last of the wood layed....I'm beat!

We bought our first house today!

Round 2

Round 2 - and so begins a second month along this lifelong journey to be the size of everyone else. I weighed in at 256.2, a total loss of 4.6. I have mixed feelings about this - I always do....I knew on Thursday or last week, after the previous disasterous weekend, that I was not going to hit my goal of ten pounds....so I did what I always do....whatever I felt like. My weekend eating wasn't all that great and I wasn't physically active, other than 4 hours of practice. So on Monday, I faced the music...I was up. But the smarter part of me is embracing the 4.6 that is gone. That's 4.6 that hopefully will not return. And 5 pounds in a month is a reasonable and sustainable loss. This morning, I was down another pound, still a bit above my recent lowest weight. I have been much more vigilant and resumed drinking water and using my Sensa...already feeling a difference. I am seeing my trainer for the first time in many months and hoping to squeeze in some cycling tomorrow....I'm back on track and looking to lose another 10 pounds this month....if I always shoot for ten and come up with 5, I will still get there!!! There's no timeframe....~!

Under the category of TMI - I got my period yesterday. I've been crampy for the past few days but thought nothing of it and then yesterday, here it is!! I am almost exstatic about this!!! ;) When I get my period, weight loss seems to happen easier. The scale has been kind to me the last 2 days, so much so that I often need to check my weight and sadly, the second weight is always the same 254....my goal was to be at 250 by Monday and that does not appear attainable....It's ok...whatever weight I'm at on Monday will be better than a year ago and I'm going to set another 10 pound goal for the month. My ultimate short term goal is to weigh 235 for Tour DaVita...though less would be nice...but that's about 10 pounds less than last year and like 25 from the first time I did it. I am bound and determined to be smaller...and reach for that goal in smaller increments. Please donate to my bike ride - it's tax deductible...Thanks!! https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1977/index.html