Disgusted

I am so disguested with myself...I have let myself get back to square one...well minus 15 pounds but that's nothing to write home about. I went to buy a bathing suit on Saturday because I was having a swim practice with my gymnastics team and didn't feel like digging mine out...and nothing fit...I was just about ready to check out maternity....my stomach has gotten so huge...I agree to do my bike ride again and this is not how I want to look. So today, I gave up food again...hopefully for good! And I'm getting back into my gym groove....I just feel lousy and my hubby and I just bought our first house so now seems as good a time as any to embark on a new journey....I spend all of my energy trying to improve the lives of others but no energy on trying to improve myself...I physically feel sick, emotionally feel sick and just look lousy...so please, read my blog, leave comments, suggestions....keep me going!

Nearly another month has gone by....and I've been lousy at posting. The weather here has been wet and gloomy which sort of mimics my mood. The house buying is going well.....we're just waiting on getting our mortgage finalized and the closing but I have so much to do...I need to lock myself in the house for a week, but I don't have much time 0ff so it's been a crunch. My eating has been attrocious but the numbers haven't changed much. I feel like I'm powerless to make good choices when my life is so chaotic but I know that's a big cop out. Right now, I'm just waiting to get into my new house with my brand new kitchen and start fresh....that's what this move feels like - a fresh start! Hope everyone else out there is doing well!

OMG....

Lots of great stuff going on over here...this year has such a different vibe! My husband and I are in the midst of buying our first house....nothing is a done deal yet but we've made an offer and had it accepted and we're waiting to schedule our inspection and contractor meeting because the house is foreclosed and has somethings that need to be addressed first...the kitchen needs to be re-done, the bathroom...walls painted and repaired...but I am so in love with this house. My family is doing well. My kitty is still alive and doing well after two months of seizures...he hasn't had one since X-mas, knock on wood!! I still have a job...I am in a good place...weight wise, no change. I've been dieting like a good girl and no luck with losing anything...but I'm still trying and not giving up. Once we buy the house, I won't be able to afford food so that will be my next diet!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Clearly I've been slacking

I've been meaning to write this post for several days...but I just haven't been in the mood to string together several coherant thoughts. Today I weighed myself, and I'm down a pound since last week and that's something to celebrate. It only took 6 weeks for my body to recognize that I was depriving it....but I'd like to point out some NSV's that have going on over here! I have been drinking coffee every morning now for the past 6 weeks. I know most people think this is either no big deal or not a good idea but there are several reasons why this rocks for me!! 1. It's a habit, and it's stuck and it's given me a good routine 2. I drink it with ff half and half and 2 sugars so it's less than a 100 calories but I'm willing to put it in my daily calorie budget (The same coffee from DD is 170 calories!) 3. I read a recent report that said drinking coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning can actually improve your metabolism and is a good way to start your day - so this coffee thinkg is working out for me. My second NSV is vitamins....I'm not always compliant when it comes to medications....I'm supposed to be a few - I take none....one is my asthma medication that I haven't been taking for about 6 months...I just can't afford it and it hasn't affected me in the slightest and I've been working out without it and I'm fine, one is a trial medication, none of them are life threatening...I've never been good about vitamins or supplements though....Steve was better about it but we've discovered that he's allergic to the fillers (we think) or maybe something in the multi-vitamin formula so I've been playing around with that stuff....so now every night I've been mixing this Vitamin C powder into some orange juice and we take acidophilus, fish oil, a Vitamin D/calcium chew and a metamucil heart health pill...this habit has stuck as well. The final NSV has been to use a program call LoseIt with my ipod touch...it's free and it tracks food, exercise and weight! I love it!! So I'm down 2.6 total since Jan. 1st...not that great but the losses have really only been coming these past few weeks and my period has returned! I feel good!

It's been a year since I lost my dad...it's out of the way, over....I really thought losing him would help me get my butt in gear, and it did at least in terms of training for my bike ride. And 2010 is going to be my year...but I can't seem to lose any weight. I have made some major changes and haven't lost an ounce...but the truth is, that I haven't been all that faithful. A few good days, a few bad...and bad isn't even bad by before's standards...so it's frustrating...I'm not ready to eat 1000 calories and go to the gym twice a day....I wish I were that girl, but I'm not...and I'm crazy busy with gymnastics...which feels like a waste, it's killing my self esteem, because I let it, because I take things personally, because I hold myself responsible....I need....something and I'm still trying to find it. Slowly the house is getting clean and organized. Soon I'll be selling off all my old stuff, soon we'll be switching the office and the bedroom, soon I'll feel motivated....I feel like my life and really living is just on the horizon...I'm not there yet but I'm heading in the right direction!

525,600 minutes

That's how many minutes there are in a year. That's how many minutes I've been without my father. It's been a long and painful year for me. On New Years Day, I felt a relief that 2009 was out the door, today, I feel relief that I've made it to 1 year. I would do anything to have my father back, anything...and this day doesn't feel special, it feels empty....a year ago, it was one of the worst...a day similar to today - the sun was shining...I'd like to think my dad was floating up to where ever he was headed....he didn't get there for a few days....I felt him get there...Daddy....I miss you, more than anything and I love you, even though you're not here to receive that love!! 7/31/1943-1/26/2009.