Self-reflection

I hate myself.

I know those are really harsh words and if I hate myself, no one else will like me, but it's truly how I feel.

There are several things lately that have sparked this realization. The first being my cat. I know, I know, enough about the cat...but I can't. I am so totally in love with my cat and am now trying to work through the grieving process. Today is a bad day for him, for us...he hadn't had a seizure since Sunday morning...I knew it was bound to happen....I was brushing him, boom...seizure....I think he was ok at night....I went to bed at 8, stayed up until midnight and then finally conked out....This morning though, he kept coming to lay with me, stand up and have a seizure, walk to the end of the bed, sit for a minute, come back, repeat....he's fallen a few times today too....He just stands up, then tips....but he doesn't seem in pain, he's still eating and drinking and purring when he's not caught in the midst of something else...I just don't know what to do....and I am not one for regrets so I need to be 100% on my decision. I hate myself for letting this rule my life, for being so emotional. And I hate that I really have no support. My birthday was Tuesday and thanks to the modern world of facebook, lots of people knew it was my birthday....about 40-50 people wished me happy birthday...but really only 5 or so were my true friends and 5 were family...sad that when I take stock of the people in my life, there aren't many. I have felt so alone this year...At my dad's funeral, hardly anyone came for me and still nearly a year later, no one asks about me, they always ask about my mom....I hate myself for not having a good network.

Lately, everyone's been sharing their opinion of me....and it hasn't been nice. I am loud, bossy, pushy, over the line...I'm just not a very good person I guess....but I feel that very few people invest the minutes it takes to really see through me....To see that I really hate myself, have zero self esteem, that I'm lonely and unsure of myself....that my exterior really doesn't match my interior...I am loyal, and passionate, and altruistic, I'm sweet and super sensitive....no one cares. Every day, someone tells me they don't like how I was during a meeting, that when asked about something I feel I have a good handle on, I'm a know-it-all....people asked me to help with insurance stuff, my boss tells me I shouldn't, even though she invited a colleauge of mine to help others....no one ever says thanks, or wow, you really know your stuff...or I couldn't have done it without you....I need validation...and not of all of the wonderful things I'm not...believe me, I'm my own worst critic....I know where I fall short....

And finally, on Tuesday, I had a sort of heart to heart with my trainer....he's a no-nonsense kinds of guy...he just lobs it out there....I really appreciate it but still it hurt....I hate myself so much that I put myself last, or not at all. I hate the way I look, I hate that I'm obese, that my face is round, that I have bad skin, that suddenly I have more zits than a 13 year old boy....I hate that I have a muffin top...and that all of my clothes make me look pregnant. I hate that my husband thinks I'm ugly and he's no longer attracted to me...so my trainer pointed out that I've been miserable at my job, miserable because of my cat, miserable with my life....but I still feel powerless to do anything...a huge part of me just wants to pack up and run...really, I'd love to move back to Philly and start fresh there...something about Philly is soothing to me...maybe because I really grew up there, I don't know...a part of me feels like once my cat is gone it will be like an albatross has been removed and I can start over... I just don't know what to do...

I wish I could speak less
I wish I could eat less
I wish I could motivate myself to take care of me
I wish my husband would love me
I wish I could love me
I wish anyone else would love me


I am sorry.

I snapped today...it was bound to happen. We had a meeting very early this morning with one of the docs I work with that I find really challenging. The meeting didn't start off well because the md was being difficult and I was struggling. Kitty has been having seizures and falling down...I am struggling with what to do....he is so happy, purring non-stop....eating, drinking, going to the bathroom. He walks fine too. But suddenly, he stands up and starts twitching, and then sometimes falls over...I know his time is fast approaching, but I don't feel he's there yet. And I feel like such a fool for being so attached.....but this cat and I have bonded in an indescribable way and I know that no matter how many cats I will have in my life, he will always be my favorite pet. My first cat will always have a place in my heart as well, but her personality just didn't suit what I'd imagined as a little girl. And of course, I love my other cat...but my pumpkin is just special! My husband's about to lose his job. The building that houses his business was foreclosed and is being auctioned in 10 days. We already have bills that far exceed our income. This hit, during the holidays, is not welcome. My mother in law put down one of her cats yesterday, it hit really close to home. So any way, at work, I cover 3 clinics and it's wearing me down. I have two bosses, one for my primary clinic and one for the other two I cover. My primary boss is out on maternity leave and my other boss hates me...in fact I think everyone does....so much negative feedback, about all different things...and yes, I realize that if that many people are saying something about me, I probably have a problem...but a lot of this is personality....I am who I am...so the boss that hates me calls me out about the meeting this morning...I was cold and abrubt.....I wish I just never spoke, it's hard to withdraw when you're normally so open...yet no one really knows me...and I lost it...about covering 3 clinics, about the cat, my husband, my year, how my company took away my paid time off because they thought I cheated the system but gave it back and I still don't really have any time off....so I was supposed to work sunday since we're closed Thursday and she told me I couldn't go to work...she was banning me...but I want to go to work...and she's taking away the third clinic because the social worker I share it with had a shift in her other case load. I feel like all I do now is cry and wait for my cat to die....I think I hate me...

Hanging in here...cat is still hanging in too...though the past few days have been bad. Today was just a bad day and I'm finishing it out with a headache...I'm about to go to bed and it's not even 8:30....I've been cooking dinner every night, except the weekend and I've been bringing lunch and dinner. I've been seeing my personal trainer at least 1x per week. Because of my work schedule, I won't have a day off until thanksgiving and since I'm hosting it, it's not much of a day off...my birthday is next week and I've got to be honest - I'm not even interested...I just want to finish this year...

The last 6 months in review

This is my new bathroom - the one that took me over a month to complete. It used to be blue, like the color of the save button below. And the walls were never prepped before, so they were full of holes and pock marks. I used an entire jar of spackle just to fix. I had put up a rubber duckie border...it looked really cute...but I started re-caulking the tub because the caulk was moldy...and there the project began. The cabinet above the toilet is new, there's a picture and towel rack around the corner next to the sink and the leaf theme is new. I love it!!

My latest Suzie-Homemaker endeavor. A friend had two boys and everyone I know is pregnant....so now I figured out how to make diaper cakes to go along with my regular cakes.

My two precious boys....

My newest ink....I know Serenity is spelled wrong...I went back, it's been fixed...The banner on the angel has my dad's name and on the bottom, it says '43 and '09....his birth and his death. I know it's missing some of the punctuation but I have to go back anyway to have the i in serenity re-colored....It's an homage to my father and yes, I know the serenity prayer is from AA.

My baby....all smashed up....no pictures of the new car yet....

Me, two Michigan girls, and Lisa, our pharmacy rep...that's Lake Michigan in the back! It was beautiful...I miss Steph and Brandi and Lisa...and wish I could do nothing but ride a bike...

Me and Erika, the first day...hence the smiles.....she's a great friend, but also my lead social worker and my tentmate!~~

Our trip to Mystic Aquarium - my treat to myself for passing my licensing test and a nice summer day.

And the last two - from 2007 and my wedding....I came in to look at my dress, all spread out and there was my baby, just hanging out on the train....I wish I could go back to that day. And lastly, my tomatoes, from my gargen, that I turned into sauce!