The Journey to a New Me

Hello?

2012-01-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Hey!! Where'd everyone go....I thought I had a fairly decent readership...and now, nothing...I'm actually starting to get back into this and I feel kind of alone....Please come back!! I hope I didn't offend anyone!!

Lazy Body!

2012-01-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

Weighed in week one - down 6 pounds...hopped on the scale tonight....definately no love....I have such unreasonable expectations for this....I know I'm doing great but I feel like I should be losing 5 pounds per week. I just want to hit some goal....and not struggle and keep gaining and losing....I want this to work!

Feelin' it!

2012-01-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

I feel great today!! I know most days won't feel this way, but I need to relish in the good moments. I got up today and went to work early...worked all day and got to eat real food...did great calorie wise...went and got my allergy shot and then met Jon....had a slamming workout even though it was arms and my arms are weak....then I coached for 2.5 hours....great practice....stopped at the grocery store after that and picked up friendly foods and came home and cooked dinner....I waited too long to eat but I'm working on remedying that....each day the scale starts creaping lower...I am on my way!

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T14:27:00.001-08:00

Welcome to 2012....as I say this, I'm gearing up for the most difficult self imposed challenge ever. I have devised a plan to eradicate myself of this fat suit. Of course it doesn't help that I've been watching Biggest Loser pretty obsessively. Remember Jon - he trained me in 2009 for my bike ride and we did mostly crossfit. The difference between then and now is that jon trained me for fun before, this time I'm paying him. He's also ding my diet. For the next 2 weeks I'm doing a detox diet. The only thing I'm allowed to eat for the next 2 weeks is a six shakes made from kale, apples and frozen berries. Oh yeah, I can have water too. I threw up today during my workout and my workout was more of a fitness test than a work up. I am in sad shape. But I am going to change my life....I need to....so here's to 2012 so that I can reach my goals....I want this and I need to keep telling myself I want this! Good luck to everyone else who's embarking in a new year's resolution and a life change!

2011-12-22T17:55:00.001-08:00

I wish I was dead...

Pissed

2011-12-12T08:44:00.001-08:00

I'm angry today....and I need it to be ok that I'm voicing this. I was pretty good all wekk, wearing the fitbit, working out 4 days and tracking everything I ate, including the not so good stuff...and I had a pretty good week....and today the scale gifted me with a 3 pound gain. I didn't eat nearly enough extra to merit that....and I'm frustrated because it seems like I'm treading water or standing still. I know the fact that I ate salty stuff yesterday impacted that and I know that my missing periods affect that....but something's got to give~~!

Sad realities

2011-12-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

My 30 year old brain and my 50 year old body appear to at odds with each other. I used to think that people who were so heavy that a short walk was an immense undertaking were embarrassing and so beyond me and the truth is, I am one of those people. I've been trying to run and increase the intensity to my workouts, because mentally, I feel like I can do it. But the first time I tried to d the c25k, my ankles hurt so bad I thought I'd die. When did I become like this? This past week was a good week, I made it to the gym twice and I went for walk/runs outside twice. I ate good mst of the week and tracked everything with my fitbit and lose it. But I Wei myself daily and my numbers all over the place....and not decreasing...what gives? This is what makes this journey so hard. And each time I'm re-losing the weight, it frustrates me more

Lazier than I thought

2011-12-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

So...I finally bought a Fitbit - you can check them out here www.fitbit.com - it's this little clip thing that works as a pedometer, calorie counter, stair climbing counter and sleep monitor. For the longest time I've had the sneaking suspicion that I don't burn nearly as many calories as I think I do or as the weight loss programs I use guestimate so I decided to buy this little critter to really see. I wore it to bed last night for the first time and it was neat to see that I fell asleep within seven minutes and woke up 6 times - nearly every hour on the hour...but when I wore it today, it only claculated 4759 steps....only half of the 10,000 everyone should get...and I thought I was pretty mobile today...tomorrow I'm stuck in a meeting for a lot of the day but I'm planning on going to the gym so it will be interested to see what this thing says. It also figures out periods of activity and tells me if it's moderate or intense- there's 4 levels...wearing this thing is pushing me to move more...makes me want to hit goals...there are badges....I'm so competitve...I just don't want to be this girl anymore!

Not worth it

2011-11-30T19:01:00.001-08:00

I keep feeling like I'm so not worth this effort...I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale - down to 251...over two pounds in 2 days....and I know it's water weight and I'm just so frustrated that I keep losing the same weight over and over again...how counter productive am I....If I added up all the weight I've lost to one mass weight loss....I'd weight 150 and be gorgeous...I did great all day...ate small meals...and then instead of going to the gym, I went to the chiropracter to help with my sciatica....and grocery shopping and to the buffet and ate tons of pretzels I made with a friend...probably 1200 calories....maybe not over for the day, but definately not smart choices....tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will tell myself I'm worth it...tomorrow I have a lunch buffet...I will blow it...I am powerless to change my life yet I'm in control of my choices...life is a struggle!

Disappointment

2011-11-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

Today was my first real day back in the drivers seat....I planned most of my meals, drank lots of water, planned my activities...weighed in 253.4. I've gained over 10 pounds since I started taking better care of myself. But I was on the right track. I had a particularly stressful day....I have something to do tomorrow that I can't talk about but totally can change my life and not in a good way. I ate well today though! And on the way home, I kept thinking about stopping at McDonald's to soothe myself with french fries....and I thought to myself "food isn't happiness, food is fuel" and kept thinking that those fries wouldn't help me shed anything and I'd continue to be unhappy in this body...I was proud of myself for making it home without stopping. I cooked some turkey sausage, rice and pumpkin and had that for dinner, accounting for everything...I had lots of calories to spare...and then I ate 10 Townhouse crackers, one large piece of cake minus the frosting and an entire small package of Sour Patch Kids....so I wasted Day 1....that's the story of my life...I can count today as a loss or I can count this whole effort as a loss and never try again. I'll weigh in again tomorrow and the day after and face each day as it comes!~

Welcome to 30!

2011-11-26T15:08:00.001-08:00

I just celebrated my 30th birthday... it's weird to think that's I've been alive that long! I realize now that I wasted my 20's on being fat.....I didn't let it hold me back because I'm not like that....but I spent a lot of time hating myself and wasting time and money on things....my husband threw me a surprise birthday party and I almost missed out on it because I felt uncomfortable in my body....I feel like there are fewer things that I want to do because I feel uncomfortable...I hate pictures, I hate social events...there's so much more that I want....and it's time to suck it up and do it....so here's what I want in my 30th year:
- to lose 50 lbs
- to stop wasting time adjusting clothing that doesn't fit
- to participate in life and not stop doing things because of my size or appearance
- get pregnant
- shock Karen by how much I've changed since she saw me
- shock everyone by my different body
- get laser hair removal
- wear a bathing suit and impress someone
- get compliments
- spend time on my appearance
- help my husband be healthy
- finish this house
- LOVE myself!!

I'll be blogging more - I need to! I need to be ok with failures but never give up on effort...I need to follow my allergy free lifestyle and go to the gym....I need to be a priority...for once.

Long time no see

2011-11-11T05:39:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I've been absent....I should be writing this blog for me, but I find greater success in knowing that someone else out there is reading it, and nodding and connecting to what I'm saying....that being said...is there anyone reading? A lot has happened....as with life, it always does....I stopped losing weight in the beginning of September...I also stopped following my allergen free diet....lots of eating out...I've felt lousy but I have no one to blame but myself. I keep saying that I'm going to go back to the right way for me to eat....I haven't been able to get back into it yet...but it's my plan. We lost our Tigger back at the end of August - it was a crushing blow but thankfully our kitten has filled the void. We got another kitten last night...it's an itty bitty kitty convention!! I'll try to be more present....please say hi!

Nothing fits

2011-08-11T18:44:00.001-07:00

I never in a million years thought I'd be suddenly successful at losing weight. All of my previous attempts ended in 10 pound loses and ultimate failures....add in food allergies and I'm 20 pounds down. All of my clothes before the weight loss were starting to get tight, or were just right...I'd spent the last year or so beefing up my waredrobe for my current size....I figured that losing weight would make my clothes look and fit better....they don't. Everything is all stretched out or hits me wrong now. The saddest part now is that when I look at myself, instead of seeing all the good, I see how much more I have to go...I am planning on going to AZ in January to visit a friend and I'm hoping to really surprise her with my changes...she knew me when I was skinny and while I'm not aiming to be skinny again, I'm not longer headed for 300lbs....I hope I can keep this up!

Not Dead!

2011-07-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well, the good new is I'm not dead...but that's also the bad news. I've been missing for awhile...obviously....somewhere in May I decided to join the gym, started changing my eating habits and decided to go back to Sensa....didn't make much progress, suffered and incomplete pregnancy and welcomed myself to the wonderful world of depression...while I was down in the depths, I had a conversation with a "friend" that was so painful that I decided to cut off contact with most...but I pulled myself together and my husband and I got a ton of work done on the house so we could host a 4th of July party - which went great!! I just got back from vacation - went to Kentucky for a Nascar race...but discovered on the day I left that I have significant food allergies...as in everything!! My diet has changed DRAMATICALLY~~ And as a result, I've lost 6.6 pounds in a week. I've been using Loseit which is an Ipod app for tracking calories and exercise....and it's been posting my results on facebook...not cool...but I've gotten lots of support and it's weird to see it that way...I rode my bike for 17 miles today which is apparently good for 1000 calories....so I'm hanging in there and if nothing else, these allergies will help me to be healthy again!

Weigh in

2011-05-24T03:57:00.000-07:00

I lost two pounds this week - wooohooo!! But have you ever had one of those weeks where you felt like you lost more? A few days ago I weighed less than I did today. I've also noticed that when I work out like crazy and I'm sore, my weight goes up. I will just have to hope as the soreness fades, the scales reflect the true effort I've been making!! I feel like I've got it!!

The Current plan!

2011-05-18T17:05:00.001-07:00

So on Tuesday I started the Sensa 10 day kick start and my official 6 month quest into the wonderful world of Sensa. I have to say that the meals have been delicious!!! I have been really surprised! And I'm not hungry...except when I come home...I've been snacking...and rationalizing it by saying that I'm only eating 1500 calories a day which is not enough...or I say I went to the gym today....either way, I feel in control and in charge of this...I'm going to the gym 4 days this week and doing yard work this weekend if it stops raining. I'm conscientiously trying to make the right decisions. I want this...I need this!

2011-05-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Joined the gym today - Planet Fitness. For $20 a month, I can use any PF in the country, unlimited tanning (I know, bad), unlimited massage chair, I can bring a friend to my "home center" and 1/2 off the drinks....I have tons of friends all over the state who have memberships and people who want to go with me...I am on board!! I have a 10 day Sensa starter kit, 6 months of Sensa and a desire to change my life....I just need to get through 6 more days of prednisone and start....I hate my life...and I am in control of my life...here's to me!!

Return of the MOJO~

2011-04-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm finally getting my groove on!!! I went to PT at 6AM 3 days this week - and it was good!! I woke up early every day and didn't feel any more exhausted than normal. I forced myself to go to bed early. I spent a lot of time this week helping a friend edit her thesis...I'm proud of her - she did a great job!! Despite today being Easter ( Happy Easter), we made it to Lowes and bought a rake and I spent 2 hours outside raking...cleaned out my tulips and one bed of bushes and cleaned up the back of the house...what a mess!! I even found two men's sneakers and one little girl's shoe...then I moved into the house and emptied 3 boxes which meant reorganizing every cabinet....I am so exhausted...but then I made and ate dinner, made lunch for my husband and I and put away some laundry.....the husband has done some stuff on the house too...we're finally both working on it! I bought some more Sensa stuff....a carrying container, some chews and a 10 day jump start...May 1st - here I come!!! The lawn mower and the bike both made it to the shop for their tune ups so I should be mowing and riding soon...and gyming it....here's hoping this mojo continues!!

Lost MOJO

2011-04-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way, in all of my planning and preparing, I had a failure to launch moment....as in I never did anything. I've lacked motivation on all fronts. Today I"ve been somewhat productive. I got up and made breakfast and lunch, took a shower, made it to Target for some storage bins and went through some boxes. There's now a pile of things that need to go up in the attic for storage and a very long list of very short projects that I'd love my spouse to get done! Things like hang my bulletin and cork boards, put up the curtains, finish painting the dining room....and we should be getting a dumpster soon with the neighbor so that will erradicate so much clutter in our house and yard. I've been trying to bag up garbage so there's less stuff but it also feels like I've been buying a lot of stuff and I still haven't unpacked most of my belongings. I'm hoping to finish organizing the office and closet so there's nothing in the office but the original 3 peices of furniture....if I get that done, my dresser can temporarily make it in here and I can unpack more of my clothes....I also bought totes to start organizing my health a beauty products....I just want this mess done! Starting tomorrow, I'm going to PT at 6am because I'm tired of racing to make it there after work and not getting home until 7 or 8. I've also layed low with the social obligations. I'm feeling rather burned out for the same reason. If I can sustain getting up that early, I'd like to try going to the gym early too. May, I've decided is Sensa month so hopefully between going to the gym in the AM and the Sensa, I can get back on track. No gains but definately no losses!!

2011-03-30T16:36:00.001-07:00

Things have been a bit different since starting the fruit and vegetable challenge at work. And in a good a way...My goal is to try and eat 9 servings of fruits and veggies so I'm eating so much more than usual....which makes me feel like a fat ass until I really think about the calorie content..here's what I ate today - does this sound crazy or actually healthy? Breakfast: 2 clementines 1-6oz fat free strawberry yogurt 1 pkg of instant oatmeal with fiber Lunch: 3 cups salad with peppers, cukes, onion, celery, carrots, ff feta, ff croutons, 1 piece deli ham, craisins and low fat raspberry dressing 2 mini bagels with 2 tbsp whipped cream cheese 1-100 calorie pkg of almonds Dinner: 1 cup onions and pepper strips 1 cup brown rice 2 breaded chicken strips - cooked in stir fry Snack: 1 cup potato chips I know the potato chips are bad...but it was the last of the bag. I don't know. The thing that's sticking with me from my current diet book reading is getting rid of High Fructose Corn Syrup. By no means a novel idea and it's something that lots of diets recommend but suddenly it's become important to me. Obviously the easiest way to get rid of HFCS is by eating more fresh stuff which is what this challenge is pushing me to do...I'm hoping in the process I'll lose weight too...

2011-03-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Today is one of my great friend's Tracy's birthday so I made her dinner. Almost everything is healthy except the potatoes and crescent rolls....the salad is a capri salad - lettuce, carrots, celery, peppers, cucumber, onion, fat free feta, fat free croutons and light raspberry vinegrette. There's also about 3 oz of bonesless skinless chicken breast and sauteed green beans. There's no comment on the crescent rolls but I made the potatoes with 1% milk and low fat butter. And I got in more than 9 servings of fruits and vegetables for my contest. Weight was at 255...what a surprise!

2011-03-28T13:26:00.001-07:00

I didn't get selected for Win, Lose or Blog....booo.....but I fully intend to support those who did and will definately apply next time....

T-24 hours

2011-03-27T06:47:00.001-07:00

Starting tomorrow, I start another attempt at changing my life, at putting me first, and doing something to keep me alive. I still don't know if I'm picked for Win, Lose or Blog - but I continue to hold out hope. My Colorful Choices challenge starts tomorrow - for those who don't know what it is - my work is sponsoring a challenge where you eat and log as many fruits and veggies as possible for about 6 weeks...I'm using that as a motivator to swap out carbs...I also decided that I'm going to challenge myself to something else. As anyone who's chronically dieted, I have amassed a huge collection of diet books. I secretly think each one is going to teach me something new or be the cure...the same thing I've done with each new diet product. So I'm challenging myself to finally read these books - write a review and maybe even try the techniques the following month. The first book I'm starting with is "The Eat this, not that NO diet diet". I also have 6 months of Sensa which I did well with when I tried it for 2 weeks...I think after this month, I'll go back and really commit to the 6 months....I don't know why I've allowed myself to continue to live like this, especially because it makes me miserable. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Amping myself up

2011-03-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Signing up for Colorful Choice contest at work: check
Lining up trainer to assist with exercise: check
Making plans with a walking buddy: Check
Hearing back from Win, Lose or Blog: still waiting

My current plan is to jump into the weight loss thing 100% on March 28th...one more week...I am maintaining a weight of 255 right now...and I'm ok with that...but I'd love to lose at least 50 lbs by the time I do my bike ride - That's 6 months from now and while I realize it's a stretch, it's still do-able and even if I fall short and only lose 30lbs...I'd be satisfied....I'm watching all these people around me have success and it's time I do the same...

Life is not a spectator sport!

And I need to make physical changes....especially since I have lots of other plans that involve my size....so here's to hoping I get selected for Win, Lose, Or Blog and I can rock and roll this spring/summer!

2011-03-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

We went and did our taxes today - what a bummer! We thought buying the house would help us out when we did our taxes because we've had to pay most years and pay alot...we still do...so I'm bummed. And yesterdays weigh in wasn't sparkling...today was an ok eating day but I'm still awake and I'll prolly dig into my girl scout cookies...did you know those are tax deductible and are considered a charitable donation? I applied for Win, Lose or Blog...and I'm really hoping that I get selected...I've already thought of good stuff I'd write and how I'm going to lose the weight and I'm trying to get my CrossFit buddy to train me for this...I'm hanging in there though...just waiting for the next round of motivation to hit~

Being the Example

2011-03-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

I don't generally think of myself as someone anyone would aspire to be like or think that anyone would think of me as a role model...but the reality is - I am...and I haven't been setting a good example. I coach gymnastics - I work with about 25 girls - most of whom like me and look up to me. And lately I've been looking back at old pictures from when I started working with them and more recent pictures and realize I look like crap. I coach in a sport where body image is everything...and I'm giving off the wrong image. I want the girls to be proud of their coach, not embarrased by how big their coach...so I am motivated, for my girls....

Welcome Back

2011-03-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

To the real world that is - went to the doctor on Monday for my 6 week follow-up. He is happy with the way things have progressed and I'm cleared to return to work - with the sling, for four more weeks...but I can go slingless at home and when I drive and NO MORE WEDGE. But...I can't drive my car because it's stick...so I've had to trade cars with people - I miss my car =(. Yesterday I went to work...it's been exhausting...too much social interaction...I know - I'm a social worker...but to go from nothing to 100 people in one day...phew - I'm pooped. But I've made real efforts to look nice and bring food...I weighed in today 255 on the nose...I've been teeter tottering back and forth with this weight for a few weeks...but I feel a breakthrough. I did a ton of grocery shopping so I have great food in the house and my period is coming more and more regularly...so I think once that passes (showed up for my first day back at work) I will have a true loss. I just want to hit the 240's...it's been almost 2 years...I don't care how long it takes, or how many pounds come and go as long as they keep going and I keep being focused...

Re-energized!

2011-02-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Weight looks like it's coming back down...and I am getting amped to get some of my freedom back starting on Monday!! I am plann ing on setting fitness goals like walking so many miles or riding so many miles on the bike...just to get some kind of daily activity in sounds heavenly right now!! And I want to be able to be a bit more productive with the house. I've already been putting away tons of stuff and selling things on ebay...it feels good to throw things out or find homes for things....I just hate living out of boxes! And cooking continues to bring me joy and it's been nice to be able to do some of that...I'm still slowly finding boxes that contain the contents of my kitchen...but it's nice to be unpacking things! Hopefully our bedroom will be done in the next month of so...it would be lovely to have all of upstairs done! I still need to go through all of my clothes - and start storing the winter stuff and pulling out the spring stuff...and selling the stuff that doesn't fit...it's all about downsizing! Even though we bought a house that had more room, I'm finding it far more satisfying to use things up and get rid of junk! So I'm looking forward to next week, when I am more able to come and go as I please and finally settle into a routine with my husband since we also finally live under the same roof!

2011-02-17T12:03:00.001-08:00

Up two pounds this week - again not surprised....part of my desire to drop this weight is so that I am healthy enough to get pregnant....I have PCOS and I am trying to figure out how I work...so I think TOM is approaching...I know TMI...I am starting to get a bit stir crazy at home...I'm running out of projects to do...days that I have obligations, I wish I had no plans and days I have no plans, I want someone to come rescue me. Once I am cleared to drive, I am returning to the gym even if I do nothing more than walk or play on the stationary bike....I am ready to resume normal life, life living with my husband...and I'm ready to fill my life with healthy happy activities for me...HELLO ROUTINE!

Taking Stock

2011-02-11T15:27:00.001-08:00

All of this drama circling around me has me re-evaluating the things in my life...the things I do...the "friend" who started all the drama about my bike ride appears to be mad at me - that's what got me thinking...I don't work in a very nice place...I would like to change that...I realize that every workplace has it's drama...but I've never been as miserable. And I'm responsible for a lot of it...there are things at work that drive me crazy and usually when something bothers me...I go find someone to commiserate with me...which either starts people talking crap or gets me so fired up my day is shot...it's not worth it...my new plan is to go to work - be cordial, engaged...but closed...no more disclosing information about me, no more plans to hang out...but I also need to put myself first...a couple of people brought to my attention that signing up for the ride without asking/discussing was me going with my gut and putting me first and people were trying to make me feel bad= the truth - probably....but I tend to internalize everything, take everything personally, and apoligize....it's time to get over that....you don't like me, fine, you don't care about what happens to me, fine...but I'm not here to make it ok for you any more...so my new plan is to go to work, and leave and do things for me...like exercising...I always rush home to see my husband, to have dinner ready...what for? The spouse is not any happier to see me and I'm missing out on things that are good for me...I'm missing out on me..I just need to spend less time with others and more time with me..and finally...the issue of friends...yup...don't really have any...more like acquantances...so there are probably 5 people in my life I'm going to hang onto...the rest can carry on their lives without me....and I need to be ok with that...I don't need all that acceptance, I don't need the backstabbing...and if you really care about me, you'll make just as much effort to be a part of my life as I do...thank you very much!

2011-02-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better...writing all of that out was good for me...being home alone with my thoughts has been rather painful and cathartic...I don't really like myself all that much, and truthfully, no one really does. But I am committed to changing myself for the better. I am committed to losing this weight, I am committed to being more introspective. I am committed to doing the right thing. And I know there will be tough times and pitfalls...but I can get through them...and find people who like me for me...this week I am down to 254.2 - I only have 4.2 to go and 2.5 weeks - totally attainable....and since I've committed to this ride...I must commit to myself...let this be the last time I've said I'm going to do it...just do it!

I am an insensitive loser...

2011-02-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Life lately has been another exercise in lets all gang up and remind Megan of all of the ways she truly fails as a human being...I feel so lost and don't know where to go with all of this information. I wish I could start from scratch....be a different person....but I can't....lets start with the facts....
My husband doesn't really like me...he's referred to me as a child who always has to get her way, who yells too much, who bullies others...we're more like roommates than life partners. This is painful.
My employer/co-workers....they regularly share that I'm crude and loud and insensitive to others with my huge open mouth insert foot complex. I've also been told I need to dress better and look better.
According to my husband - my mother thinks I'm mean and yell too much too.
Gymnastics - I work with someone who is determined to discredit me and make me look bad at every opportunity...I feel useless there as well...
I feel defeated and beaten down. I feel like I need a fresh start.....but all of these people in my life already have an opinion and image in their heads about me...I'm riding uphill, in a snow storm, stuck in 10th gear....
Today just broke me completely....I was talking with someone from work...who told me that she and several other co-workers wanted to do Tour DaVita (I already signed up with some prodding from friends) but that the boss would not approve all of us to ride...now I feel awful for potentially taking the opportunity away from others. I never asked about doing it, I just signed up. I hate feeling like this...I hate being like this...
The ultimate me would be nearly 100lb lighter, would wear make-up, would dress fashionably, would be passionate yet reserved. I vow to do as much as I can to change my personality and appearance but I tihnk there's probably a bit of depression underneath that makes me want to hide, sleep all day and not shower for weeks, because it's too much effort. I want people to understand me...I didn't sign up for the bike ride to exclude people, I signed up because I feel passionate about it...it's really my thing...I spent $1000's of dollars on equipment, I like riding and the event is always special for me...but I feel selfish now...and that clashes completely with me...I am so lost right now, spinning circles..
I guess all I'm asking for is love, patience and exceptance...and a possible donation for this bike ride - please support me...
https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_2469/index.html

2011-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

And my weight today is 255.4...up .2 from last week. Ya know what though? I'm ok with that....I was a little surprised to see a 10 pound weight loss last week - thought it was a fluke, so this proves it was not. Last week I wasn't as good about my food choices as I could've been. I was excited because people were visiting me and taking me out for appointments so we ate out a bit and I did a lot of snacking....for the past 2 days I've been really good and I've been rewarded by slowly dropping weight....I have 5 pounds to lose is 4 weeks - I think I can do it!

Tour DaVita

2011-02-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

It's become an annual tradition for me to participate in Tour DaVita - every year has been wonderful and a real challenge. This year it's in Connecticut and I have so many mixed feelings about it. I want to do it because it's local, because I enjoy cycling, because I can use my own bike, because I want to complete it 100% this year but I'm hesitant because I don't know if I can ride, especially with my shoulder, because I am making a wedding cake for a co-worker and the wedding is the first day and because it somehow doesn't feel as special since it's here because everyone local will be doing it and that takes away from me being unique...I'm guessing that I'll end up doing it....but so many mind games...stay tuned for tomorrow's weigh in!

Anniversary

2011-01-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Today is the second anniversary of losing my Dad - he's missed out on 2 years of my life. Some days it feels easier - this isn't one of them. My grandma's in the hospital today too - not good timing at all. Everything seems too similar to my dad. The only good news for today is my weigh in - 10 lbs. I'm not sure how much of it is legitimate but the number this morning was somewhat lower than pre-surgery weights - I'm at least hoping to keep this up!

2011-01-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

Weighed in yesterday - scale said 265. Boooo =( I'm pretty sure that a lot of the weight is from the swelling in my shoulder and my apparatus. So I guess that means my weight will go down, in my favor too! I feel like all I've been doing is eating, but that's probably because I'm not doing much else. What I have been eating has been healthy - lots of fruits and veggies. Hopefully by next week, my weight will be going down!

2011-01-17T06:41:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day before surgery - I don't even have a surgery time yet. And, we're supposed to have pretty yucky weather tomorrow. I don't want my surgery delayed though - the recovery is already long and my leave from work is already set up...grrr....I got good news and bad news at the dr thursday - good news - only have my arm immobilized for 6 weeks; bad news - has to be at a 15 degree angle for those 6 weeks, 24 hours a day....so I'm going to look dumb...I know, I know...what else is new =). I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and try to post it...I'm aiming for 15 pounds in thos 6 weeks - I know it's a huge number but I tend to lose fast the first week or 2 and I don't eat much when it's too much work - Hopefully I'll be able to continue to blog....it may be a bit before I'm typing but I'll keep visiting everyone!! See you soon!

Sometimes looking forward means looking back too!

2011-01-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

I did one of these for 2009/2010 - I think it would be good to see what a difference a year makes!

1. Was 2010 good for you? It was a painful year emotionally, but a year I grew. And we bought a house so we're moving in the right direction!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Buying our first house
3. What was your worst moment of the year? The day I lost my beloved Pumpkin - July 13th =(
4. Where were you when 2010 began? At home watching movies with Tracy and Steve
5. Who were you with? Just me! My hubby came up to bed around 11:30
6. Where were you when 2010 ended? Passed out in bed!
7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2010? I did better this year than in years passed but gave up too quickly when other things happened.
8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2011? Take care of the things I've been neglecting, primarily myself, so I can move forward with my life.
9. Did you fall in love in 2010? Nope, I already have my love!
10. Did you make any new friends in 2010? I met some really neat new people but not necessarily became friends with them. I did get a bit closer to some people in my life so I guess you count those as new friends!
11. What was your favorite month of 2010? September.
12. Why this month? Tour DaVita!.
13. Did you travel outside of the US in 2010? No.
14. How many different places did you travel to in 2010? Washington, Maryland and Massachusetts.
15. Did you miss anybody in the past year? I miss my father every day.
16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2010? Love and other drugs.
17. What was your favorite song from 2010? Broken Wing.
18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2010? Two concerts.
19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2010? Aaron Lewis - saw him twice.
20. What was your favorite book in 2010? Dear John.
21. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets....
22. What was the biggest lie you told in 2010? I've had to change myself to be fake in a lot of situations - I'm not proud of that but it's definately important to take the high road sometimes. 23. Did you treat somebody badly in 2010? I should be kinder to my mother....
24. Did somebody treat you badly in 2010?Yes, but I don't want to talk about it.
25. What was your proudest moment of 2010? Riding more of Tour DaVita than I ever have!
26. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2010? I yelled out something to a friend in a store and I didn't think anyone else was around - I was wrong...
27. If you could go back to any moment of 2010 and change something, what would it be? I need to sharpen up my open mouth insert foot reflex - I tend to piss everyone off...and I always regret it ...
28. Where did you work in 2010? I work at DaVita.
29. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2010? The Secret Life of an American Teenager.
30. Favorite Band(s) of 2010? Shinedown, Nickelback
31. Favorite Food in 2010? We ate a lot of take out - it used to be my favorite!
32. Favorite Drink in 2010? Diet soda, which I know will kill me
33. Favorite Place in 2010? Washington State - it is so beautiful and so different from CT
34. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2010? Myself - and sometimes it's the hardest person to be around
35. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2010? Jon - my trainer....strange as it sounds, he reads me pretty easily and calls it like it is....no bullshit with him...and he pushes me to do for me and be a better person
36. Favorite trip in 2010? Washington
37. Favorite stores in 2010? Lane Bryant and the Kitchen Collection
38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2010? My cat and my house....
39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2010? Tour DaVita and buying a house
40. Funniest moment(s) in 2010? Hard to pick....

Motivation/Inspiration

2011-01-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

I have to say, that it's been very liberating to not have a New Years Resolution - I am proud to say that I'm not lumped in with the 100's of people who just joined the gym, or bulked up on veggies....good for everyone who did though, I admire your commitment. I've been reading lots of blogs this week - I need to some new blog friends - and I see lots of people who are committing to change this year. I am too - just 18 days into the year....and I'm finding reading everyone's stuff to just help me to build excitement for my own quest. I'm not setting crazy goals, I'm not setting more than one - as it stands now - I want to lose 15lbs between my surgery and March 1st. I will do an official weigh in on Jan. 17th. I want my blog to be entertaining, motivating, a window into my little life - I want it to be positive and supportive and I want people to enjoy it, enjoy me...I'm really looking forward to beginning a relationship with myself, for myself - Please join me!

New Years 2011

2011-01-01T05:44:00.000-08:00

I'm sure the world of blogging is gearing up for 2011 with promises to change.....I too, have made promises for this year, but unlike years past - mine don't start today. Obviously vowing to lose weight for the new year has not worked for me in the past, so I'd be rather foolish to think it would this year. 2011 looks very different for me...there are lots of things I want to accomplish and while 2010 wasn't the easiest year by far - I grew more in this past year than I had in many prior. I want to continue that...that one's easy. And I do want to lose weight for 2011...once and for all...but I'm not going to get swept up in the Resolutions. This year I have an impending surgery - January 18th to be exact. That is going to be the start for me. I'm calling this year the year of repair - time for me to get my shoulder fixed, to fix my weight - along with my weight comes my blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. I am using the next 17 days to plow through the home improvement and set up my life with my husband and really be ready to dedicate myself to well, myself =). I am hoping to be far more active with blogging than I have been in the past. We shall see - typing is going to be a challenge. Please leave comments if you stop by, it's been rather lonely here =) Happy New Year!

Liar

2010-11-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

I am a liar....not usually....just in refence to the last post I wrote...I'm not doing ok...in fact, it's prolly reaching critical. I hate my situation...not living with my husband is definately taking a toll...it's hard to have a relationship when I'm staying somewhere else....but I love my mom and my cat and I don't mind making the sacrifice....I'm more concerned with myself. I hate me again....I hate how I look, how I can't lose weight, how I've let this situation allow me to balloon, but it's hard to cook when all you've got is a grill and a microwave and so we eat out all the time...and I don't make good choices. I'm in the angry state I'm in...so I do the opposite of what would change things...I'm also tired of the constant barage of comments from the awful people in my life that I can't change. I'm tired of being told I'd be pretty if I lost weight...don't even get me started...I'm trying to care, but its so much easier to say screw it and eat like crap. I assure everyone, as soon as I have a functional kitchen, it's on...and if I have my shoulder surgery, I'm going to be my focus for awhile....I need to save myself. We had mandatory blood work for work and everything came back high - my cholesterol, my blood sugar, even my BP which is normally low...In a very dramatic sense, I feel like I'm dying....

2010-11-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

Holy shit - where'd the time go! I can't believe it's been two months since I've last blogged...it feels like an eternity...not much has changed...the house is still a work of art...and a work in progress....I'm still living at my mom's - one day I'll actually ive in the house that I've spent some much blood sweat and tears over. 2 weeks ago I dislocated my shoulder so I'm half out of commission...and not having a fully functioning kitchen has proved to be a challenge for me in terms of losing weight....by the time I live here tho, my kitchen will be gorgeous and I will be so totally sick of eating out that it's never going to happen again...hope everyone else out here is doing well - please say hello if you've stopped by!

2010-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Lost another blog I read, it's been made private....here's the address: http://seashorerose.blogspot.com/ .....if you're the owner, and don't mind letting me read, please let me back in!! I really enjoyed your story!

2010-08-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking on the blog front...but I have a good excuse....we finally moved into the new house - well sorta. All of our stuff is there...but the house is definately still in demolition mode. My husband is living there...with a toilet in the half bath, tub that only works for baths in the full bath, no kitchen, no floors upstairs and only 2 rooms painted...there's a lot to go...and it feels like this will never be finished...I know I know...welcome to home ownership....I had planned on hosting Thanksgiving so we'll see...that's my goal right now. I haven't lost any weight...definately been slacking on that. I've moved back home with my mother because our cat can't be in these conditions...he eats everything and he's not supposed to be scared so for now...we're bunking at my mom's. Eating has been kinda sketchy...I haven't really gained, but I haven't lost either. My bike ride is in a month...hopeing to be a bit more settled by then because I need to pack...all of our stuff is stuffed in the garage. I haven't been riding either...starting Tuesday, that's the plan...ride ride ride...hope anyone who still reads this is doing well - stop in and say hi!

2010-07-14T05:12:00.001-07:00

I am in agony. Yesterday was absolutely awful....and now I feel like I did the wrong thing....he still wasn't right yesterday morning, still wouldn't eat, but he took a drink. I brought him outside and offered him some grass, he tried to eat it....did I do the right thing? The whole ride over, he sat on my front seat just looking at me...I know I did the right thing...he's been sick for four years - twice daily insulin injections, blood glucose testing, scratched cornea twice which required him to wear a cone, 3 oral surgeries - including one where his chin exploded and one where all his teeth were removed, neuropathy which made walking difficult, vomiting, diarrhea - when I looked at it this way, he's been through so much...and never with a complaint....but he was so unique. I will never have a cat like him again...and it makes me so sad to think that I might have 50 or 60 years left here without him. He "talked" to me, slept between my husband and I, followed me everywhere, tried to hop in the bath tub with me and laid waiting on the bathmat, followed me into the office and sat next to me, pawing my leg so I could pick him up and he could lay on my desk with me, would lay in my lap.....I have never met a more interactive cat.....and now I don't know what I'm going to do without him...We buried him last night, I've never had to do that....I sat in the rain, covered in mud digging my hole....I spent a few minutes with him, then put him down in his box....they gave me a nice cardboard casket....I wrote him a letter on the top of it....I don't know what I believe in....I think I believe in God, though not organized religion....but I've been praying and now he's gone...is it because that was better for him? I like to think that when we die, our spirits go somewhere and we get the opportunity to exsist in our best times - my Dad would be able to breath and walk and do all the things he loved, my cat would have teeth and no diabetes....and I'd like to think at some point, I will be able to join them there....to have all my family back, all my cats.....that's my only consolation...today is tough...I thought it would be easier - it's not. I'm hanging in there though, what else can I do?

2010-07-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has come...it's been a rough month for our cats....my precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is lethargic...it breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....

Sad

2010-06-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today I'm sad, and anxious...an uneasy....things had been going relatively well with our new house and our lives...I certainly wasn't complaining...but yesterday it all fell apart with my husband's sweet cat becoming terrifyingly ill...$800 later, and I've spent our appliance money...the cat has a newly diagnosed cardiac condition, asthma, allergies and maybe a parasite....of course none of this is official....x-ray and labs came back clear but he's been breathing really fast and has an irregular heart beat. My cat hasn't been feeling well either. Between the two of them, there's been a lot of vomit and mellow cats...it's breaking my heart...and making me nervous....to top it off, my husband is having his wisdom teeth out, which isn't a big deal, except when things feel fragile and this could really mess things up more...the only bright moment has been this evening when my husband finally finished laying the subfloor upstairs and I finished spackling one room completely and have moved on...we are getting there ever so slowly! I have jury duty Friday too...isn't life grand....pity party had..I'm moving on now!
"I'm willing to do anything To calm the storm in my heart I've never been the praying kind But lately I've been down upon my knees Not looking for a miracle Just a reason to believe"

Big Fat Failure

2010-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hi all...I've been in hiding....not really hiding, but working on our "new" house. And it's made me a mess!!! I hate it....I hate myself, I hate my husband....I hate floors, and walls and grass...and if one more person says "welcome to homeownership, where your work is never done and you'll always want to change something" I might kill them! We bought a fix-me-upper....we knew there'd be work...we just didn't realize how much! Last night we removed the last of the hard wood floors upstairs - we're replacing them with laminate flooring as the hardwoods were wicked old and buckling. We've also removed all of the outlet covers and trim from upstairs. Once all the plywood has been layed, I can finish spackling all of upstairs...and we can paint. Once the painting is done, trim is replaced, new outlet covers put on and new lights installed, we can start moving our upstairs furniture. Except I'm not keeping any of my office furniture because it doesn't fit or match and our bedroom furniture is huge....but when we finally finish this house, it will pretty much be brand new minus two floors and most of the walls....we are not changing anything, ever....please tell me I'm crazy if I write that I'm taking on another project. My eating has been shit....I was doing so good, using Sensa....but I'm exhausted. Every day I get up and I go to work - at least a 45 minute commute each way too...and then I go to some random MD appt and then to the house. I have been stopping and eating junk on the way to the new house because I know we won't eat dinner until at least 9. And then dinner is usually carby and fatty too. I keep justifying it by reminding myself how hard I'm working, how sweaty and dirty I am at the end of the day....but I should be using this as an opportunity to eat nothing but veggies and sweat off all these fat cells. I've lost nothing this month...and now I'm sitting here, avoiding hopping in the shower, waiting for my husband to come home from working his second job so that we can get ready to go to a wedding reception in half an hour, that's half an hour away....leave pretty quickly and go to the new house to hopefully get the last of the wood layed....I'm beat!

2010-05-28T18:39:00.001-07:00

We bought our first house today!

Round 2

2010-05-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Round 2 - and so begins a second month along this lifelong journey to be the size of everyone else. I weighed in at 256.2, a total loss of 4.6. I have mixed feelings about this - I always do....I knew on Thursday or last week, after the previous disasterous weekend, that I was not going to hit my goal of ten pounds....so I did what I always do....whatever I felt like. My weekend eating wasn't all that great and I wasn't physically active, other than 4 hours of practice. So on Monday, I faced the music...I was up. But the smarter part of me is embracing the 4.6 that is gone. That's 4.6 that hopefully will not return. And 5 pounds in a month is a reasonable and sustainable loss. This morning, I was down another pound, still a bit above my recent lowest weight. I have been much more vigilant and resumed drinking water and using my Sensa...already feeling a difference. I am seeing my trainer for the first time in many months and hoping to squeeze in some cycling tomorrow....I'm back on track and looking to lose another 10 pounds this month....if I always shoot for ten and come up with 5, I will still get there!!! There's no timeframe....~!

2010-05-20T06:56:00.001-07:00

Under the category of TMI - I got my period yesterday. I've been crampy for the past few days but thought nothing of it and then yesterday, here it is!! I am almost exstatic about this!!! ;) When I get my period, weight loss seems to happen easier. The scale has been kind to me the last 2 days, so much so that I often need to check my weight and sadly, the second weight is always the same 254....my goal was to be at 250 by Monday and that does not appear attainable....It's ok...whatever weight I'm at on Monday will be better than a year ago and I'm going to set another 10 pound goal for the month. My ultimate short term goal is to weigh 235 for Tour DaVita...though less would be nice...but that's about 10 pounds less than last year and like 25 from the first time I did it. I am bound and determined to be smaller...and reach for that goal in smaller increments. Please donate to my bike ride - it's tax deductible...Thanks!! https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1977/index.html

2010-05-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

Sensa is great...loving it so far...by the end of last week, I was down 1.6. Went away this weekend for a 72 hour gymnastics meet where I knew the food would suck - it did....I didn't see a vegetable from lunch on Friday until yesterday. I'm still trying to get my eating back on track but it's getting there.....I came home and I was up 4 pounds...I didn't drink water either....today I was the same as last Monday so hopefully tomorrow I will be back around where I was...I'm exhausted....cat was ill last night....we're buying a house and closing hopefully this week...who knows! But I'm hanging in....if you're feeling brave...say hello...I'm feeling lonely!

2010-05-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

HELP ME.....I want to eat everything under the sun!!!! Sensa is great...it really curbs my appetite and cravings but I forgot to sprinkle it on lunch and I've been hungry ever since....I've lost 1.6 this week so far and hopefully some more will come off in the next 3 days. I will be away this weekend so don't miss me!

2010-05-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Great eating day today...only 47 grams of fat total....that's way less than normal...calories still high- around 2000. I showed a loss today. Only .2 but it's reassuring that I'm doing the right things. I started a trial of Sensa today and I like it....it makes me less hungry and fuller quicker...unless that's my brain telling me that because those are the desired results. Either way it's a win for me....I...I don't know...I'm feeling it again this week...maybe in preparation for this weekend's disaster...here's to another pound gone by next Monday...I have 2 weeks to my goal and still 5 lbs to go...even if I don't make it there, I'm heading in the right direction!

Scared

2010-05-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

I'm scared...it's really hard to put my finger on why....but it's directly related to my weight loss....I'm scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared that I'm going to be in this constant state of fear and self-loathing and self-destruction....I'm scared that I'm not scared when I should be...this week will definately show a gain...and not because I was eating excessively, but because I was eating poorly...but I've made some great changes like getting rid of full fat cheese and making sure to bring most meals to work, drinking water and limiting myself to one glass of diet soda, finally trying spinning and loving it!! But I'm still clouded by fear, fear that was re-inforced when I spent a day at an eating disorders conference, fear that that's me...I have an eating disorder...not the standard bulemia, definately not anorexia though I jokingly say I wish it were like mono-get it for a bit, let it work it's magic and away it goes, and I don't even have binge eating disorder...I fall into the EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified...the terrifying part is that there's not one good treatment or medication....I just have to find what works....but what works never works long enough for me. My biological mother died at age 34 from obesity related cardiac issues...I am going to be 29....I look at my life in terms of how many years until I'm the same age as my mother, will I live to be that same age, will I ever look good again - I'm afraid to look good...this fat blanket sheilds me...no one cares about me, I'm barely glanced at any more and for me, who's so outspoken, that's a good place...but what if my weight is holding me back from job opportunities, from making new friends, from truly feeling well, and from starting a family....why can't I be afraid of all these things when the ice cream calls my name, when a menu has salad and french fries on it and the french fries inevitably win...Today, I don't know...but I will keep hoping that tomorrow I will know...

2010-05-03T18:34:00.001-07:00

So lately everything all over Yahoo Health that deals with weight loss has said if you're fat when you get pregnant, you're going to seriously screw yourself up and that new baby...I have started to get the itch to start for a family....as it stands now, I am too heavy to get a period...I am about 5-10 pounds til I should start getting it...and I'm starting to get back into the work-out jive...went for a walk on Saturday and gardened all day Sunday....eating wasn't even out of control...weight loss this week was 1lb...which was there I was aiming...I'm shooting for another down this week too....putting me at 6 gone...4 more til my mini-goal of 250....

2010-04-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

Had ice cream twice today....pretty sure that's a diet no-no. Breakfast was a piece of whole wheat toast, a banana, some egg whites and veggies....lunch was a veggie platter, grapes and some Trader's penne ala vodka....had a toasted almond ice cream bar and then went to this fantastic ice cream place down the street....bad!! Dinner was a salad from subway...prolly not the worst eating, definately not the best, but I'm hoping to pull out at least a 1lb loss....getting there!!!!

Slacking already....

2010-04-27T14:46:00.001-07:00

I promised to post daily....and I've failed...but I'm still here...today is a good day...yesterday - not so much...official weigh in was 257, putting me down 3.8. I weighed today and got 3 different numbers so I'm not counting today...last night I ate like crap...I loved me some McDonalds....went to work in the AM, sad day, called out from my second job to accompany my husband to his friend's house because the friend's mom just had surgery....we brought her a balloon. This was all after my husband rescued our neighbor who's car died....and on the way home, his clutch died...expensive repair, on top of just buying a house.....so we got towed after standing in the rain and now my husband has been riding his motorcycle and it's been cold and rainy...I ate well today though...bought a microwave omlet maker so I made an egg white omlet with veggies and had a yogurt. For lunch I had a lean pocket and some potatoes and broccoli smart ones dish (hello sodium!!) and for snack had some blackberries and sweet potato chips (not at the same time) and I just had dinner - veggie fried rice and mandarin chicken from Trader Joe's (I know - more sodium). I've had about 64 oz of water but I have gymnastics practice so I'm hoping to drink at least 20 more....hopefully by Thursday I will have flushed all this salt out....how are you?

Eating out=no good

2010-04-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've come to the realization that eating out is totally no good for me! I know, duh~ I went to 99 with my husband Friday night and we shared the steak and cheese spring rolls....I knew those were no good for me but whoa!!! So I figured I was being good by getting the chicken fajitas - I don't really like sour cream or all the salsa stuff so it was basically chicken, peppers, onions, lettuce, cheese and a shell...I made 2 and brought the rest home...holy 1400 calories!!! Yesterday, the only thing I ate was food from Olive Garden.....yikes....4 bread sticks, one salad and the 5 cheese ziti al forno is 2000 calories!!! I did have an NSV though, I drank like 100 oz of water since I knew I was going to be high on sodium and I'm down to one coffee and one diet soda a day....I was in the gym for 4 hours yesterday too so I got a little workout. My husband brought me home dinner and I didn't eat it until now. He got me a salad, bread and spaghetti from our favorite italian joint....I just had the piece of bread, salad and a small bowl of spaghetti....I'm sure high in calories....but I only ate a little bit and I'm full - I think my tummy is shrinking....I'm also taking my metformin which my dad always said killed his appetite...and I'm down 4 pounds this week....I know I need to be more strict with my food...especially during the weekend...but it feels good to be invested in myself!

2010-04-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Down another .4 today woot woot!!!! I did so good today, wasn't hungry and barely ate....breakfast was an oatmeal packet and an applesauce, no snack, lunch was a garden salad from panera and a half sandwhich totalling on 440 calories and 19 g of fat - oh and a tiny apple! and then in the afternoon I had some crackers and a kaughing cow cheese...I've been home a half hour and already demolished a big piece of bread with butter and a small piece of that desert I made - it's not calling my name...hubby should be home soon and we were planning on going out to eat....yuck...my mouth needs to lock at 6pm....

Update - I just inputted all my food into Fitday....hated to but I'm only at 1300 calories and 45 grams of fat....which leave me enough to enjoy dinner!!

2010-04-22T18:45:00.000-07:00

I went to the buffet tonight, and survived....wasn't all that good, but I don't think I've affected my loss....hoping to survive the weekend - that's what always kills me...but I need to keep doing this, to make a difference in my appearance, and my life!

2010-04-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

The daily post....3 days in a row!! A record for me....Had an awesome day yesterday, then decided I wanted some popcorn, the whole bag, with added butter...shoot me now....I need my mouth to have a door that shuts on it's own!! Thought I was doing great today...somewhere crashed and burned...started the day with a banana and cream of wheat, lunch was rice chips, a ham sandwhich with 3 pieces of ham, one piece of cheese and a tsp of light mayo and a cup of strawberries....for afternoon snack I had some animal crackers, dinner was a grilled chicken breast, 1.5 cups broccoli and 15 tater tots and a few small pieces of bread with butter....but I made this yummy smores desert and had a large piece of that....putting me over 2000 calories...weighed myself today, down to 258.4....small win for me....I've been drinking water, taking my pills and vitamins and I'm hoping that todays 4 hours of house cleaning helped burn off dinner...slowly but surely I'm getting back into my groove!

Re-committed

2010-04-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Part of re-commiting to this journey is going to be blogging daily...I've let that slip to...I've let go of everything, except food which has been flying freely into my mouth! Today when I got home from work, I wanted to binge so bad....just plow through anything on the counter....but I was good today...for breakfast I had 1c cheerios with 4 oz of 1% milk and a banana, for snack I had the last of some chex mix so that temptation is gone, for lunch I had a nice salad and two small whole wheat dinner rolls, for snack I had a small piece of angel food cake and a 100 calorie Special K bar (my two afternoon snacks were spread out a bit) and instead of binging, I popped a serving of peanuts while I made dinner - I had turkey keilbasa with grilled onions and peppers with some sweet potato mashed potatoes...I made a seperate less healthy meal for my spouse because he won't eat sweet potatoes or peppers. I've done two loads of laundry and taken a shower and because I only cooked for myself, I have food left over for another day. I've drunk about 50-60 oz of water today and I'm going to gymnastics practice so I will drink more then and I am hoping to go to bed early tomorrow so I can be productive at home. I've decided to weigh myself daily for the first little bit because I need either encouragement or a kick in the rear....I can not celebrate small successes because I allow myself to cheat...but today was a good day, the second day or the rest of my life and I was already down 2lbs...just water and tomorrow I could be up, but for now, I'm looking forward to going to practice for 2 hours and coming home to some fruit and sleep....here's to looking forward!

Disgusted

2010-04-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am so disguested with myself...I have let myself get back to square one...well minus 15 pounds but that's nothing to write home about. I went to buy a bathing suit on Saturday because I was having a swim practice with my gymnastics team and didn't feel like digging mine out...and nothing fit...I was just about ready to check out maternity....my stomach has gotten so huge...I agree to do my bike ride again and this is not how I want to look. So today, I gave up food again...hopefully for good! And I'm getting back into my gym groove....I just feel lousy and my hubby and I just bought our first house so now seems as good a time as any to embark on a new journey....I spend all of my energy trying to improve the lives of others but no energy on trying to improve myself...I physically feel sick, emotionally feel sick and just look lousy...so please, read my blog, leave comments, suggestions....keep me going!

2010-03-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Nearly another month has gone by....and I've been lousy at posting. The weather here has been wet and gloomy which sort of mimics my mood. The house buying is going well.....we're just waiting on getting our mortgage finalized and the closing but I have so much to do...I need to lock myself in the house for a week, but I don't have much time 0ff so it's been a crunch. My eating has been attrocious but the numbers haven't changed much. I feel like I'm powerless to make good choices when my life is so chaotic but I know that's a big cop out. Right now, I'm just waiting to get into my new house with my brand new kitchen and start fresh....that's what this move feels like - a fresh start! Hope everyone else out there is doing well!

OMG....

2010-03-11T14:38:00.000-08:00

Lots of great stuff going on over here...this year has such a different vibe! My husband and I are in the midst of buying our first house....nothing is a done deal yet but we've made an offer and had it accepted and we're waiting to schedule our inspection and contractor meeting because the house is foreclosed and has somethings that need to be addressed first...the kitchen needs to be re-done, the bathroom...walls painted and repaired...but I am so in love with this house. My family is doing well. My kitty is still alive and doing well after two months of seizures...he hasn't had one since X-mas, knock on wood!! I still have a job...I am in a good place...weight wise, no change. I've been dieting like a good girl and no luck with losing anything...but I'm still trying and not giving up. Once we buy the house, I won't be able to afford food so that will be my next diet!

2010-02-14T09:55:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Clearly I've been slacking

2010-02-10T12:48:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write this post for several days...but I just haven't been in the mood to string together several coherant thoughts. Today I weighed myself, and I'm down a pound since last week and that's something to celebrate. It only took 6 weeks for my body to recognize that I was depriving it....but I'd like to point out some NSV's that have going on over here! I have been drinking coffee every morning now for the past 6 weeks. I know most people think this is either no big deal or not a good idea but there are several reasons why this rocks for me!! 1. It's a habit, and it's stuck and it's given me a good routine 2. I drink it with ff half and half and 2 sugars so it's less than a 100 calories but I'm willing to put it in my daily calorie budget (The same coffee from DD is 170 calories!) 3. I read a recent report that said drinking coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning can actually improve your metabolism and is a good way to start your day - so this coffee thinkg is working out for me. My second NSV is vitamins....I'm not always compliant when it comes to medications....I'm supposed to be a few - I take none....one is my asthma medication that I haven't been taking for about 6 months...I just can't afford it and it hasn't affected me in the slightest and I've been working out without it and I'm fine, one is a trial medication, none of them are life threatening...I've never been good about vitamins or supplements though....Steve was better about it but we've discovered that he's allergic to the fillers (we think) or maybe something in the multi-vitamin formula so I've been playing around with that stuff....so now every night I've been mixing this Vitamin C powder into some orange juice and we take acidophilus, fish oil, a Vitamin D/calcium chew and a metamucil heart health pill...this habit has stuck as well. The final NSV has been to use a program call LoseIt with my ipod touch...it's free and it tracks food, exercise and weight! I love it!! So I'm down 2.6 total since Jan. 1st...not that great but the losses have really only been coming these past few weeks and my period has returned! I feel good!

2010-01-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since I lost my dad...it's out of the way, over....I really thought losing him would help me get my butt in gear, and it did at least in terms of training for my bike ride. And 2010 is going to be my year...but I can't seem to lose any weight. I have made some major changes and haven't lost an ounce...but the truth is, that I haven't been all that faithful. A few good days, a few bad...and bad isn't even bad by before's standards...so it's frustrating...I'm not ready to eat 1000 calories and go to the gym twice a day....I wish I were that girl, but I'm not...and I'm crazy busy with gymnastics...which feels like a waste, it's killing my self esteem, because I let it, because I take things personally, because I hold myself responsible....I need....something and I'm still trying to find it. Slowly the house is getting clean and organized. Soon I'll be selling off all my old stuff, soon we'll be switching the office and the bedroom, soon I'll feel motivated....I feel like my life and really living is just on the horizon...I'm not there yet but I'm heading in the right direction!

525,600 minutes

2010-01-26T08:07:00.001-08:00

That's how many minutes there are in a year. That's how many minutes I've been without my father. It's been a long and painful year for me. On New Years Day, I felt a relief that 2009 was out the door, today, I feel relief that I've made it to 1 year. I would do anything to have my father back, anything...and this day doesn't feel special, it feels empty....a year ago, it was one of the worst...a day similar to today - the sun was shining...I'd like to think my dad was floating up to where ever he was headed....he didn't get there for a few days....I felt him get there...Daddy....I miss you, more than anything and I love you, even though you're not here to receive that love!! 7/31/1943-1/26/2009.

Gems and Beads Catalog - who wants it?

2010-01-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I got on the mailing list, but I got this fabulous 1275 pg catalog called Fire Mountain Gems and Beads and it appears to have everything in it....I know someone out there is really into making jewelry and would totally benefit from this, so I'd like to pass it along...any takers?

I want it

2010-01-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

There are some mornings, once I'm awake, that I think about this weight loss journey and I want the weight loss so bad I can taste it. Because I was thin until I graduated H.S., I have had a taste of what I'd look like. I think I'd probably even look better now than I did then...and I want that...but then a day like yesterday happens, where I eat like crap and I'm discouraged. Losing weight is so just so damn hard. One bad day can ruin your weigh in, not enough water can ruin your weigh in, missing a day at the gym ruins your weigh in....and when you're already disappointed in yourself, it doesn't take much to give up. So this post is to remind me that I want it....and even when I mess up, that desire to be thin still rages on and if I listen to it, I will het there someday...no hurry!!

2010-01-15T15:52:00.001-08:00

I made it to week two. No loss this week. I read an interesting article that suggested that you weigh yourself frequently as it boosts accountability...so I weighed myself yesterday, was down a pound, ate well all day, had a great workout and today, when it counts, I got nothing. But I modified the Special K challenge to include more real foods and it appears to be working. I've done a bit of journalling, have been reading my positive thoughts book and today got a sexy new hair do....unfortunately, my house would benefit from the same amount of attention I'm giving myself.

And in the TMI category - I just got my period again so I'm assuming that my personal neglect was the culprit and now that I'm taking better care of myself, my body is happy!

First week

2010-01-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was reading some of my old posts....and I determined that 2008 was my weight loss year. It's when I got really active on here and I lost, a lot rather fast....and I used FitDay - which has pretty much been the only thing to work for me. I am reporting a loss this week, only .6. But I am getting my bearings in this journey yet again. I went to the gym twice this week so that's a start. And unfortunately, when I start working out with Jon, the training is so hard that I do significant damage to my muscles and it takes quite awhile to even out - it's hard to flush that waste....but I will be seeing significant changes in my body. I'm still enjoying Special K and awaiting the ability to plan the next two weeks...I still have another week before I get two more weeks. I have had some dietary indescretions but I am skating that fine line between not caring and allowing myself to live. I can do this!
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders"

2010-01-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

Doing well here - loving the Special K challenge...supplementing with some additional food because, sadly, the bigger you are, the more calories you need and right now, 1200 calories or so isn't cutting it. Went back to the gym yesterday, two more training sessions this week. Major mood improvements because IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY!!!

To close out 2009

2010-01-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

1. Was 2009 good for you? Not in the slightest and I am thankful that it is over!!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Sitting on Presque Isle, in Erie, PA where my Dad grew up, with my husband watching the sun set and feeling very connected to him.
3. What was your worst moment of the year? The day we stopped life support for my father.
4. Where were you when 2009 began? Upstairs doing shots with the neighbors.
5. Who were you with? Justin, Vicki, Paul and my husband.
6. Where were you when 2009 ended? At home with Tracy and Steve watching movies and drinking wine.
7. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? Not at all.
8. Do you have a new years resolution for 2010? See previous post.
9. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, I already have my love!
10. Did you make any new friends in 2009? I met some really neat new people but not necessarily became friends with them. I did get a bit closer to some people in my life so I guess you count those as new friends!
11. What was your favorite month of 2009? December.
12. Why this month? Because the year ended.
13. Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? No.
14. How many different places did you travel to in 2009? Michigan, Virginia and Pennsylvania. 15. Did you miss anybody in the past year? I miss my father every day.
16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? P.S. I love you.
17. What was your favorite song from 2009? The one I posed lyrics to in my previous post.
18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009? Two circus demonstrations, one community theater presentation, and two concerts.
19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? REO Speedwagon, Styx and .38 Special.
20. What was your favorite book in 2009? My Sister's Keeper.
21. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets....
22. What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? That I was OK - I'm still not ok.
23. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? I should be kinder to my mother....
24. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? No more so than usual.
25. What was your proudest moment of 2009? Finishing the last day of Tour DaVita - in honor of my father!
26. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? I don't embarrass easily...
27. f you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? I would have spent more time with my father in January, but I didn't know I was going to lose him...
28. Where did you work in 2009? I work at DaVita.
29. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009? ER.
30. Favorite Band(s) of 2009? Shinedown, Nickelback
31. Favorite Food in 2009? I need to stop liking food all together
32. Favorite Drink in 2009? Diet soda, which I know will kill me
33. Favorite Place in 2009? my bed
34. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2009? My husband
35. Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2009? Jon - my trainer....strange as it sounds, he reads me pretty easily and calls it like it is....no bullshit with him...and he pushes me to do for me and be a better person
36. Favorite trip in 2009? Erie
37. Favorite stores in 2009? Lane Bryant and the Kitchen Collection
38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2009? Aside from my father, my cat....
39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2009? New Years Eve
40, Funniest moment(s) in 2009? Not nearly as many laughs as there should've been but I finished the year out with a friend of mine pouring vinegar down some guys jacket...and he didn't even know it!

My wish for 2010

2010-01-02T19:43:00.000-08:00

Every year I make the same New Years Resolution - to lose 100 lbs by the end of the month...or some other weight loss resolution....I never made one for 2009. But 2009 turned out to be the worst year of my life...and yes, I do realize, I will have another year down the road that turns out to be just as awful...but losing a parent, getting into an accident bad enough to total your car, your 91 year old grandmother flipping her car and a terminally ill cat can throw you into a tailspin. So I spent the month of December eating my way into oblivion and doing some soul searching. It didn't help that the entire month, 5 or 6 people decided to chew me to shreds....my self-esteem is shattered. Pretty much everyone hates me. I hate me....when I wrote that post about hating myself, I hadn't even had some of those devasting conversations yet. So...I decided that 2010 is going to be about me...because for once, I think I'm worthy. And this year I've made a few resolutions:

1. To put me before anyone else
2. To read several self help books and really work on myself so that other find me more bearable.
3. To lose the weight, and not always come up with excuses to fall off the wagon
4. To spend at least 15 minutes a day on my personal appearance
5. To become a gym bunny

My plan is to start with losing 16 pounds this month - the first month is always the easiest. I am doing the Special K challenge...or at least trying to....I'm not off to a good start, but I'm definately minding my intake and hope to post at least a small loss this week. I'm only going to weigh myself once a week, anything more than that and I beat myself up for .5. I am planning on going to the gym at least once a day, most days....I will be meeting with my trainer 3x week and I'm at the gym at least 2 other days for work....even if it's something little. I bought two self help books "Helping me help myself" and "Too nice for your own good". I'm going to start there. I've been trying to be a bit more introvert, speak less, work harder but quieter....this will be a tough one. And finally, to spend more time on myself. I don't dress well and I don't fuss with my appearance much. I used to be quite a pretty girl, and parts of me are still asthetically pleasing...but it takes much more to look good now. So, I'm going to use lotion, make-up, blow dry my hair, use products, take bubble baths....I also want to get back into blogging...I've missed it. I'm cleaning up my blog list today and slowly, I think I'd like to build it back up again. I'm also journaling. I used to journal like it was going out of style. Again, making excuses. But it's easy to carry my journal and jot things down while I'm feeling them and analyze them later. bottom line is, If I don't love me, no one will...so here's to 2010 being a year of transition!

2009-12-24T11:30:00.001-08:00

Happy 91st Birthday Grandma!!!

It's just not the same without you....

My theme song

2009-12-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

I caught a chill,
and it's still frozen on my skin.
I think about why I'm alone,
by myself No one else to explain how far do I go?
No one knows.
If the end is so much better, why don't we just live forever?
Don't tell me I'm the last one in line.
Don't tell me I'm too late this time
[Chorus]I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
Out here, nothings clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited
Disappear into the fear
You know there ain't no comin' back when you're still carrying the past
You can't erase, separate
Cigarette in my hand, Hope you all understand
I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine
[Chorus]I don't want to live To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
I won't be the last one in line,
I finally figured out what's mine
[Chorus]I don't want to live To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
'Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
And I feel like I'm breaking,
I feel like i'm breaking inside

This is how I've been feeling...

Self-reflection

2009-11-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

I hate myself.

I know those are really harsh words and if I hate myself, no one else will like me, but it's truly how I feel.

There are several things lately that have sparked this realization. The first being my cat. I know, I know, enough about the cat...but I can't. I am so totally in love with my cat and am now trying to work through the grieving process. Today is a bad day for him, for us...he hadn't had a seizure since Sunday morning...I knew it was bound to happen....I was brushing him, boom...seizure....I think he was ok at night....I went to bed at 8, stayed up until midnight and then finally conked out....This morning though, he kept coming to lay with me, stand up and have a seizure, walk to the end of the bed, sit for a minute, come back, repeat....he's fallen a few times today too....He just stands up, then tips....but he doesn't seem in pain, he's still eating and drinking and purring when he's not caught in the midst of something else...I just don't know what to do....and I am not one for regrets so I need to be 100% on my decision. I hate myself for letting this rule my life, for being so emotional. And I hate that I really have no support. My birthday was Tuesday and thanks to the modern world of facebook, lots of people knew it was my birthday....about 40-50 people wished me happy birthday...but really only 5 or so were my true friends and 5 were family...sad that when I take stock of the people in my life, there aren't many. I have felt so alone this year...At my dad's funeral, hardly anyone came for me and still nearly a year later, no one asks about me, they always ask about my mom....I hate myself for not having a good network.

Lately, everyone's been sharing their opinion of me....and it hasn't been nice. I am loud, bossy, pushy, over the line...I'm just not a very good person I guess....but I feel that very few people invest the minutes it takes to really see through me....To see that I really hate myself, have zero self esteem, that I'm lonely and unsure of myself....that my exterior really doesn't match my interior...I am loyal, and passionate, and altruistic, I'm sweet and super sensitive....no one cares. Every day, someone tells me they don't like how I was during a meeting, that when asked about something I feel I have a good handle on, I'm a know-it-all....people asked me to help with insurance stuff, my boss tells me I shouldn't, even though she invited a colleauge of mine to help others....no one ever says thanks, or wow, you really know your stuff...or I couldn't have done it without you....I need validation...and not of all of the wonderful things I'm not...believe me, I'm my own worst critic....I know where I fall short....

And finally, on Tuesday, I had a sort of heart to heart with my trainer....he's a no-nonsense kinds of guy...he just lobs it out there....I really appreciate it but still it hurt....I hate myself so much that I put myself last, or not at all. I hate the way I look, I hate that I'm obese, that my face is round, that I have bad skin, that suddenly I have more zits than a 13 year old boy....I hate that I have a muffin top...and that all of my clothes make me look pregnant. I hate that my husband thinks I'm ugly and he's no longer attracted to me...so my trainer pointed out that I've been miserable at my job, miserable because of my cat, miserable with my life....but I still feel powerless to do anything...a huge part of me just wants to pack up and run...really, I'd love to move back to Philly and start fresh there...something about Philly is soothing to me...maybe because I really grew up there, I don't know...a part of me feels like once my cat is gone it will be like an albatross has been removed and I can start over... I just don't know what to do...

I wish I could speak less
I wish I could eat less
I wish I could motivate myself to take care of me
I wish my husband would love me
I wish I could love me
I wish anyone else would love me

I am sorry.

2009-11-20T19:03:00.000-08:00

I snapped today...it was bound to happen. We had a meeting very early this morning with one of the docs I work with that I find really challenging. The meeting didn't start off well because the md was being difficult and I was struggling. Kitty has been having seizures and falling down...I am struggling with what to do....he is so happy, purring non-stop....eating, drinking, going to the bathroom. He walks fine too. But suddenly, he stands up and starts twitching, and then sometimes falls over...I know his time is fast approaching, but I don't feel he's there yet. And I feel like such a fool for being so attached.....but this cat and I have bonded in an indescribable way and I know that no matter how many cats I will have in my life, he will always be my favorite pet. My first cat will always have a place in my heart as well, but her personality just didn't suit what I'd imagined as a little girl. And of course, I love my other cat...but my pumpkin is just special! My husband's about to lose his job. The building that houses his business was foreclosed and is being auctioned in 10 days. We already have bills that far exceed our income. This hit, during the holidays, is not welcome. My mother in law put down one of her cats yesterday, it hit really close to home. So any way, at work, I cover 3 clinics and it's wearing me down. I have two bosses, one for my primary clinic and one for the other two I cover. My primary boss is out on maternity leave and my other boss hates me...in fact I think everyone does....so much negative feedback, about all different things...and yes, I realize that if that many people are saying something about me, I probably have a problem...but a lot of this is personality....I am who I am...so the boss that hates me calls me out about the meeting this morning...I was cold and abrubt.....I wish I just never spoke, it's hard to withdraw when you're normally so open...yet no one really knows me...and I lost it...about covering 3 clinics, about the cat, my husband, my year, how my company took away my paid time off because they thought I cheated the system but gave it back and I still don't really have any time off....so I was supposed to work sunday since we're closed Thursday and she told me I couldn't go to work...she was banning me...but I want to go to work...and she's taking away the third clinic because the social worker I share it with had a shift in her other case load. I feel like all I do now is cry and wait for my cat to die....I think I hate me...

2009-11-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hanging in here...cat is still hanging in too...though the past few days have been bad. Today was just a bad day and I'm finishing it out with a headache...I'm about to go to bed and it's not even 8:30....I've been cooking dinner every night, except the weekend and I've been bringing lunch and dinner. I've been seeing my personal trainer at least 1x per week. Because of my work schedule, I won't have a day off until thanksgiving and since I'm hosting it, it's not much of a day off...my birthday is next week and I've got to be honest - I'm not even interested...I just want to finish this year...

The last 6 months in review

2009-11-02T18:21:00.001-08:00

This is my new bathroom - the one that took me over a month to complete. It used to be blue, like the color of the save button below. And the walls were never prepped before, so they were full of holes and pock marks. I used an entire jar of spackle just to fix. I had put up a rubber duckie border...it looked really cute...but I started re-caulking the tub because the caulk was moldy...and there the project began. The cabinet above the toilet is new, there's a picture and towel rack around the corner next to the sink and the leaf theme is new. I love it!!

My latest Suzie-Homemaker endeavor. A friend had two boys and everyone I know is pregnant....so now I figured out how to make diaper cakes to go along with my regular cakes.

My two precious boys....

My newest ink....I know Serenity is spelled wrong...I went back, it's been fixed...The banner on the angel has my dad's name and on the bottom, it says '43 and '09....his birth and his death. I know it's missing some of the punctuation but I have to go back anyway to have the i in serenity re-colored....It's an homage to my father and yes, I know the serenity prayer is from AA.

My baby....all smashed up....no pictures of the new car yet....

Me, two Michigan girls, and Lisa, our pharmacy rep...that's Lake Michigan in the back! It was beautiful...I miss Steph and Brandi and Lisa...and wish I could do nothing but ride a bike...

Me and Erika, the first day...hence the smiles.....she's a great friend, but also my lead social worker and my tentmate!~~

Our trip to Mystic Aquarium - my treat to myself for passing my licensing test and a nice summer day.

And the last two - from 2007 and my wedding....I came in to look at my dress, all spread out and there was my baby, just hanging out on the train....I wish I could go back to that day. And lastly, my tomatoes, from my gargen, that I turned into sauce!

2009-10-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I've lost all my readership...what little I had....I'm barely holding it together here....I keep saying that I'm going to get my act together and really kick this thing in the butt. It hasn't happened yet. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around it....and nothing annoys me more than my lack of commitment....but I don't want to keep writing posts about failing...I came home my bike ride, tried to commit and instead decided to re-do our bathroom. A month later and it's still not painted...the goal this weekend is to finish it. Last week, a classmate of mine committed suicide. He was well liked and a police officer with lots of community ties. I went to his wake, it was like a high school reunion, only no one recognized me...and not because I was suddenly more beautiful than I was in high school, but because I was 100 pounds heavier....I went grocery shopping so the house is stocked with good food and I went back to the gym Tuesday.....I've been busy beyond belief, and I have tons more stuff to do....one of these days I need to commit to myself...I'm not there yet.....but I'm working on it!

I've been slacking...

2009-10-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my bike ride. I had an awesome time, rode 155 miles in 3 days, including riding all the miles the final day- about 65, but I think it was more. I made some new friends, caught up with Tour DaVita friends and came home thoroughly exhausted. Bought a car the next day - I have a black 2001 Civic. I love it! I've spent the last 2 weeks working on it, it's getting a make-over but after next weekend, it'll be hott!! I got a huge tattoo too!! It covers all my back above my bra line. It's the serenity prayer with an angel and butterfly. The angel has my dad's name and dates too. And the serenity prayer was for him too, it was what was on his prayer card and a homage to a time in our lives where we really connected. I really miss my dad and wish he were still here.....with the holiday approaching...it's been hard. My cat was really sick last weekend and I thought I'd have to put him down but he appears better. I've been stocking the fridge with really healthy stuff...bought several diet books. I'm getting my butt in gear. I'm going back to the trainer 3x week starting this week - I needed last week off. And I'm thinking about going to spinning in the mornings....I'm tired of saying I want to lose weight, I'm tired of reading others in the same place....if anyone wants to join me....I'm looking for a buddy and MaryFran, I'm going to get back to you...I have no more planned trips and no vacations so it's smooth sailing until Thanksgiving - which I do the cooking and we eat low-fat so no worries!! I'll post pictures soon - I haven't uploaded them yet! How is everyone else doing?

2009-09-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

Weigh in for the first week put me down a little over 2 pounds. I'm ok with that...this week I got some lower numbers but I haven't eaten all that good this weekend at all!! I'm just not feeling it. Car was totalled on Friday...still now wheels...hopefully this week. Awaiting word on a loan so I can afford said wheels. I leave Saturday morning for my bike ride...I'm starting to get excited...I didn't ride as much as I'd hoped though yet somehow I feel more prepared....just trying to survive...

2009-09-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

Was doing good, writing daily posts....got into a car accident on Friday...car is totalled...I'm ok...wishing I'd died, but OK. The car was bought by my dad for me when I moved home to go to undergrad. It's a Civic...but it was fairly new and a 5 spd. He taught me how to drive stick...and when he died, my mom and I traded cars since she couldn't drive it...I felt like a piece of him was always with me....I want to fix it...but they're going to want to scrap it....my husband wants me to buy it back from the insurance...which I will....but I'm hoping I can take it to a shop and get it fixed, instead of looking for a new car. My kitty hasn't been doing well either and I think he's not going to be with us much longer...so all in all...things are looking pretty grim here....I've done nothing but mope and sleep all weekend...I'm feeling pretty blue...hope everyone else is having a good Labor Day weekend.

The jist...

2009-09-03T17:58:00.001-07:00

So here's the abbreviated version of yesterday's post....Tuesday - I ate like crap and commented on how it wasn't the greatest start to losing weight....thought I did bad yesterday but when I typed it all out, not too bad....stepped on the scale this morning...down 3 pounds....feeling overwhelmed by all of the things I want to do in anticipation of fall such as weed my gardens, turn some of my less than stellar soil and dump my potting mix into it and ebay/amazon/goodwill all of the clothing and other stuff laying around the house. We're looking to buy a house sometime in the next few months and I really want to have less stuff....today my eating was so-so....we had a lunch in-service and I just had Boston Market for dinner...I haven't worked out this week...the rest has been nice. I'll be in the gym nearly every day starting next week so I'm really hoping to end the year a bit less....how's it going?

This is harder than I remember it being

2009-09-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

Damn....I just typed a whole post here...a good one too and I had an error...grr....

Starting Anew

2009-09-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

The damage - 249.2...up about 10 pounds from my lowest this year. I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to maintain my loss and possibly add to that, but it is what it is and I need to move forward.
The plan - use Fitday to at least track my daily eating. I am doing my bike ride in less than 3 weeks so I'll be training hard for that. I'm going to start seeing my trainer 3x per week and I burn about 500-1000 calories with him...and I'm back to gymnastics full time starting next week so that's more activity.
I'm hoping that all of this will translate into some weight loss!!

I passed!!!

2009-08-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

My months of studying have finally ended in the result I was hoping for - I passed. I am now officially a Licensed Clinical Social Worker!! Tomorrow is day 1 of my challenge to lose 20lbs by New Years....I lost a bit this year and I'm hoping to lose a bit more...of course I choose a day in a week where everyone wants to celebrate...tomorrow we're having a party for one of my co-workers who's a first time grandma and I'm going out to dinner to celebrate...who knows what else this week brings but I'm really hoping to kick this in the butt!!! My bike ride is in 20 days too!! It's not too late if you want to be my email buddy (MaryFran...I'm going to get back to you one of these days!!) Thanks!

Help me x2

2009-08-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone...I'm back from vacation...it was good, I'll post pics soon!! I need help though....today was supposed to be the day that we had to have our fundraising money in by....I'm short by $100....please, if anyone could donate $5, it means everything to me...I'm riding in honor of my dad..who dealt with kidney disease and who I miss terribly...who I'm sure if proud of me for doing this again, so please help, pass this on to anyone you know who'd help!! Here's the link to donate!! https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

The second thing I need help with is I need a diet buddy...I am serious about kicking off another weight loss effort...but I'm looking for a blog buddy, an email buddy, a facebook buddy and AIM buddy...anyone who's willing to talk to me nearly daily to discuss my day....I have an ulterior motive (not a bad one!) that I'll share with the lucky one...but I'm looking to shed some serious weight between now and next spring...thanks!!

2009-07-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

For every good day I've had, it seems a few bad have followed...Lately it feels like everyone's feeling the need to be super critical of me...I can't seem to do anything right...and I'm ok with criticism..it makes me a better person...but the constant barage of it is wearing me down. Training is going well...I finally bought a bike and I love it!!! My weight is up and down but I feel like I'm looking different. My dad's birthday would've been Friday - he would've been 66. I really miss him.... My hubby's best friend is getting married on Sunday and we're going away on vacation Monday...can't wait! How is everyone else doing?

Jealous

2009-07-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am jealous of everyone who has summers off.
I am jealous of everyone who still has their parents.
I am jealous of everyone who makes more money than me, has less debt than me.
I am jealous of everyone getting married now, despite the fact that I'm married and love my husband.
I am jealous of all the first time home buyers while we're still trying to get our affairs in order.
I am jealous of everyone who's household has two full time wage earners.
I am jealous of everyone who's passed the LCSW test.
I am jealous of all my fellow riders who have new bikes when all I have is a busted mountain bike....
I am jealous of a lot of things....and am struggling to move forward when it feels like everything is pushing me back!

Thank you and HELP ME

2009-07-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

First I want to thank the 7 people who still read my blog...and thank you to the handful of lurkers as well. It is nice to feel heard and share a common struggle...speaking of struggle...I am eating everything in sight! I have been training with my trainer now for a month and a half and I feel so totally different but I haven't lost any weight...and part of my problem is that I'm eating too much. I just went shopping tonight and the house has food but my life has been crazy....went to a concert, had a picnic, went to a team party, working two jobs, going to the gym and getting home late...the excuses are innumerable...this week I have a training session tomorrow and work before and after, Wednesday I have work then going to a chiropractor, Thursday is work and a training session and Friday is a white water rafting party for one of my gymnasts...Saturday I have off for once and hope to spend with hubby and Sunday I'm going to the circus....somewhere in there I need to study. Finally...just reaching out there...I still need more donations for my bike ride....for the actual group and for myself....I'm trying to buy a nice bike since this is something I really enjoy and I need to pay for my airfare...so if anyone is willing to donate, here's my link: https://www.tourdavita.org/donate/Megan_Gervais_1407/index.html

2009-06-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

Just wondering....is anyone out there still reading my blog...I feel lonely =(

Dandy....

2009-06-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

Things are going well here. I've been studying my brains out....the cats seem to think my study materials are for them to lay on....but they move with some encouragement. I had a great weekend with my husband and a productive one. We went for like a 5 mile walk and I picked wild flowers and I spent hours yesterday cleaning and cooking. I even went through my clothes that don't fit because they were too small and have some "new" pants. I completed one month of my personal training and my trainer had me do the same exercise I did the very first time...he timed it the first time - I took 10:30 off....I'm feeling good...life is moving forward....I'll be posting pics soon!

Stood up

2009-06-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

So today I went to the gym for my Thursday training session....I expected it to be pretty intense today since all I did on Tuesday was run. Jon said I needed to burn off my weekend celebration...and that today's workout would be tough. I did my warm up, stetched and waited....went downstairs...Jon left to go to a fundraiser....but I'm proud of myself. Normally, I would've said, Well I worked out a little bit, got a sweat, might as well leave...but instead I stayed and rode the bike for 6 miles, and a great time and then sat in the sauna for 10 minutes, took a shower, picked up dinner, which I didn't eat, went to my mom's and here I am...I'm proud of myself...
I also won Cammy's give-away so I'm wicked excited! Yoga here I come!

Happy Anniversary

2009-06-01T16:12:00.001-07:00

Today is my second wedding anniversary with my husband...and nine years since we started dating. We spent the whole weekend together, taking day trips and I feel refreshed. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but time to get back into the swing of things. I'll be posting pictures from visiting the mansions in Newport, RI later....until then - have a nice evening!

For the record

2009-05-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone....but I feel I need to talk something out....I've been trying to be very introspective lately...and it's come to my attention that I don't have as much personal support as I'd like....but I was talking about this with some people and they were telling me that it's because I don't talk about my feelings much or try to reach out....so I've been trying to do that on here....but maybe I'm expressing too much....or using really deep words....
I know that when I'm talking about my dad or my cat I talk about deep grief and I guess that makes people feel uncomfortable or like I'm on the edge. But for those that do not know, I am a social worker....so that language, that way of expressing myself is normal. I am depressed, I am grief-stricken, I am anxious....but I am also in control. I will be the first person to recommend therapy to someone, as I am a therapist myself by training, but I don't feel I need it...I am progressing through the stages of grief and trying to move forward. I've also had a bad experience as a youth with therapy and just can't jump back into that. But I appreciate everyone's concern and comments about therapy. And I know this sounds defensive...I'm working on that...but I just want people to understand why I use such strong words and that I'm going to be ok...this is a process and with my dad, it's only been 4 months...and with my cat....I just want to make sure he's having the best life possible and I'm not keeping him alive for me....that's he happy and as healthy as he can be. Thanks!! Please leave comments if you still love me!