Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I am in agony. Yesterday was absolutely awful....and now I feel like I did the wrong thing....he still wasn't right yesterday morning, still wouldn't eat, but he took a drink. I brought him outside and offered him some grass, he tried to eat it....did I do the right thing? The whole ride over, he sat on my front seat just looking at me...I know I did the right thing...he's been sick for four years - twice daily insulin injections, blood glucose testing, scratched cornea twice which required him to wear a cone, 3 oral surgeries - including one where his chin exploded and one where all his teeth were removed, neuropathy which made walking difficult, vomiting, diarrhea - when I looked at it this way, he's been through so much...and never with a complaint....but he was so unique. I will never have a cat like him again...and it makes me so sad to think that I might have 50 or 60 years left here without him. He "talked" to me, slept between my husband and I, followed me everywhere, tried to hop in the bath tub with me and laid waiting on the bathmat, followed me into the office and sat next to me, pawing my leg so I could pick him up and he could lay on my desk with me, would lay in my lap.....I have never met a more interactive cat.....and now I don't know what I'm going to do without him...We buried him last night, I've never had to do that....I sat in the rain, covered in mud digging my hole....I spent a few minutes with him, then put him down in his box....they gave me a nice cardboard casket....I wrote him a letter on the top of it....I don't know what I believe in....I think I believe in God, though not organized religion....but I've been praying and now he's gone...is it because that was better for him? I like to think that when we die, our spirits go somewhere and we get the opportunity to exsist in our best times - my Dad would be able to breath and walk and do all the things he loved, my cat would have teeth and no diabetes....and I'd like to think at some point, I will be able to join them there....to have all my family back, all my cats.....that's my only consolation...today is tough...I thought it would be easier - it's not. I'm hanging in there though, what else can I do?
Monday, July 12, 2010
After 4 years of fearing this day, this day has come...it's been a rough month for our cats....my precious Pumpkin is going to be put down tomorrow....he has had diarrhea for the past 3 days, couldn't walk some of last week and now, won't eat, won't drink and is lethargic...it breaks my heart to watch him like this but I can not continue to be selfish and ask him to hang on any longer...I feel he's hung on for me as long as he can....he has this resigned look on his face, like he's ready to go, almost like he feels bad for me...I've been laying with him for the last 2 hours, tears pouring out...tomorrrow is going to be an awful day. Our other cat is also quite ill....he knows something is going on...he is not a single cat, he's always had siblings...I worry that he might die of a broken heart...I've felt for the past 2 years, that I do not deserve to be happy, to enjoy things, to have a good day....I feel like I'm punished every time I do by something related to the cats going wrong, to something happening to a family member, to something happening to me...I believe in kharma....that every bad thought, or joke or statement will somehow be reflected in something bad happening to my cats, my family....I am not a bad person...I don't know how to stop this....and I'm not ready to lose my baby. He will always have such a special place in my heart....he is my soul....