Friday, May 28, 2010

We bought our first house today!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Round 2

Round 2 - and so begins a second month along this lifelong journey to be the size of everyone else. I weighed in at 256.2, a total loss of 4.6. I have mixed feelings about this - I always do....I knew on Thursday or last week, after the previous disasterous weekend, that I was not going to hit my goal of ten I did what I always do....whatever I felt like. My weekend eating wasn't all that great and I wasn't physically active, other than 4 hours of practice. So on Monday, I faced the music...I was up. But the smarter part of me is embracing the 4.6 that is gone. That's 4.6 that hopefully will not return. And 5 pounds in a month is a reasonable and sustainable loss. This morning, I was down another pound, still a bit above my recent lowest weight. I have been much more vigilant and resumed drinking water and using my Sensa...already feeling a difference. I am seeing my trainer for the first time in many months and hoping to squeeze in some cycling tomorrow....I'm back on track and looking to lose another 10 pounds this month....if I always shoot for ten and come up with 5, I will still get there!!! There's no timeframe....~!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Under the category of TMI - I got my period yesterday. I've been crampy for the past few days but thought nothing of it and then yesterday, here it is!! I am almost exstatic about this!!! ;) When I get my period, weight loss seems to happen easier. The scale has been kind to me the last 2 days, so much so that I often need to check my weight and sadly, the second weight is always the same goal was to be at 250 by Monday and that does not appear attainable....It's ok...whatever weight I'm at on Monday will be better than a year ago and I'm going to set another 10 pound goal for the month. My ultimate short term goal is to weigh 235 for Tour DaVita...though less would be nice...but that's about 10 pounds less than last year and like 25 from the first time I did it. I am bound and determined to be smaller...and reach for that goal in smaller increments. Please donate to my bike ride - it's tax deductible...Thanks!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sensa is great...loving it so the end of last week, I was down 1.6. Went away this weekend for a 72 hour gymnastics meet where I knew the food would suck - it did....I didn't see a vegetable from lunch on Friday until yesterday. I'm still trying to get my eating back on track but it's getting there.....I came home and I was up 4 pounds...I didn't drink water I was the same as last Monday so hopefully tomorrow I will be back around where I was...I'm was ill last night....we're buying a house and closing hopefully this week...who knows! But I'm hanging in....if you're feeling brave...say hello...I'm feeling lonely!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

HELP ME.....I want to eat everything under the sun!!!! Sensa is really curbs my appetite and cravings but I forgot to sprinkle it on lunch and I've been hungry ever since....I've lost 1.6 this week so far and hopefully some more will come off in the next 3 days. I will be away this weekend so don't miss me!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Great eating day today...only 47 grams of fat total....that's way less than normal...calories still high- around 2000. I showed a loss today. Only .2 but it's reassuring that I'm doing the right things. I started a trial of Sensa today and I like makes me less hungry and fuller quicker...unless that's my brain telling me that because those are the desired results. Either way it's a win for me....I...I don't know...I'm feeling it again this week...maybe in preparation for this weekend's's to another pound gone by next Monday...I have 2 weeks to my goal and still 5 lbs to go...even if I don't make it there, I'm heading in the right direction!

Friday, May 7, 2010


I'm's really hard to put my finger on why....but it's directly related to my weight loss....I'm scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared that I'm going to be in this constant state of fear and self-loathing and self-destruction....I'm scared that I'm not scared when I should be...this week will definately show a gain...and not because I was eating excessively, but because I was eating poorly...but I've made some great changes like getting rid of full fat cheese and making sure to bring most meals to work, drinking water and limiting myself to one glass of diet soda, finally trying spinning and loving it!! But I'm still clouded by fear, fear that was re-inforced when I spent a day at an eating disorders conference, fear that that's me...I have an eating disorder...not the standard bulemia, definately not anorexia though I jokingly say I wish it were like mono-get it for a bit, let it work it's magic and away it goes, and I don't even have binge eating disorder...I fall into the EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified...the terrifying part is that there's not one good treatment or medication....I just have to find what works....but what works never works long enough for me. My biological mother died at age 34 from obesity related cardiac issues...I am going to be 29....I look at my life in terms of how many years until I'm the same age as my mother, will I live to be that same age, will I ever look good again - I'm afraid to look good...this fat blanket sheilds one cares about me, I'm barely glanced at any more and for me, who's so outspoken, that's a good place...but what if my weight is holding me back from job opportunities, from making new friends, from truly feeling well, and from starting a family....why can't I be afraid of all these things when the ice cream calls my name, when a menu has salad and french fries on it and the french fries inevitably win...Today, I don't know...but I will keep hoping that tomorrow I will know...

Monday, May 3, 2010

So lately everything all over Yahoo Health that deals with weight loss has said if you're fat when you get pregnant, you're going to seriously screw yourself up and that new baby...I have started to get the itch to start for a it stands now, I am too heavy to get a period...I am about 5-10 pounds til I should start getting it...and I'm starting to get back into the work-out jive...went for a walk on Saturday and gardened all day Sunday....eating wasn't even out of control...weight loss this week was 1lb...which was there I was aiming...I'm shooting for another down this week too....putting me at 6 gone...4 more til my mini-goal of 250....